To think it is impossible to heal a relationship with parents who walk away or feign illness upon confrontation?

[SaucySorceress]

Just that really...my parents are both pretty disrespectful and treat my DH and me like children, even though we are in our early 40s. Over the years
I have just let things go, with some challenge especially when our dc have been involved, or when my DM's compulsive lying has gone beyond the joke. We have massive fallouts, then it is all swept under the carpet. So much is unresolved and it is eating me up. I would like to sit down and thrash it out, but each time I have tried to in the past, they either walk away (actually left my house several times) or suddenly had heart/stroke pains. My DH has given up and says there is no hope for us to ever sort things out. Any ideas for how I might heal the relationship, or do I give up and plod on with pent up anger and bitterness? Thank you!

Sorry that things are so tough, that sounds really difficult, I'd suggest having a think about what you want to happen and what parts of this are within your power to change. If it's important for you to say some of these things to your parents then maybe writing them a letter would prove cathartic. Sadly to heal a relationship there has to be the will to change on both sides and you can't make your parents change however much you hope they will. The part of this situation you can control is your own behaviour and boundaries so perhaps concentrating on the good things in your relationship with them or any common ground that exists would help. At the same time maybe working on how you can buffer yourself against some of their difficult behaviours might help you.

Perhaps write them a letter explaining how you feel?

Would it work if you put your feelings in writing? It's less confrontational, but more easily misconstrued.

You can't change people. But you can change how you react to it and how much of it you put up with. If the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself and cut them out, I'd do that.

But I wouldn't ask for how to repair a relationship. A relationship is a two way street, and unless they are willing to put in the effort it won't be repaired. You can't do it on your own.

Thank you. Yes, I have thought about writing, but in the past they have twisted things I have written, and suddenly become gravely ill after receiving the letter. Amazingly they bounce back quickly enough once I back down! You are right about it being a two way street...I just cannot understand why they wouldn't want to heal a relationship with their child. I would hate to think of us falling out with our dcs in a similar way. My brother tows the line, and doesn't see anything wrong with their behaviour (I suspect he has undiagnosed Aspergers, so his own issues there). He still has them on a pedestal and just goes along with everything. They treat him like a small child too, but he just takes it. I can't consider cutting them out, I just wouldn't be able to do it.

I'd love to type a message of hope here but I have a similar-ish ongoing issue with my DM and her dreadful boyfriend. I think that some people get so wedded to their lifestyles (or backed into a corner by them?) that they'll fight tooth and nail to maintain even the most ridiculous charade rather than deal with a problem (at the very very least 50% of their own making).
It can't hurt to write a letter - it might well help you to put your thoughts and feelings into some order - but please do prepare yourself at least a little for the eventuality it might not work. My DM's written replies to me after my letters to her are some of the weirdest, nonsensical rubbish but their power to wound was astounding. To see her self-justifications in black and white really cut me up though I'd half expected them. This is just my personal experience and I hope it's very different for you but this is a 'just in case'.
Big hugs, it's a very hard situation to be living in x

I have come to the conclusion your better off concentrating on the family you created.

I walked away from mine, very similar sort. You can't change people, and you'll be lucky if they acknowledge what you say, as it will mean they will have to admit to their shortcomings.

I've reached the conclusion that life is too short to clutter it up with anyone like that, family included. Life is much simpler now, and a hell of a lot more pleasant.

So much is unresolved and it is eating me up. I would like to sit down and thrash it out
Oh dear. You want them to behave like reasonable people who have a misunderstanding with other reasonable people. I believe this is known as a triumph of hope over experience.

I just cannot understand why they wouldn't want to heal a relationship with their child.
They are happy with the relationship. It works really well for them.

I would hate to think of us falling out with our dcs in a similar way.
I cut out my DM only after I had DC, precisely because I saw how very beyond redemption it is to not give a fuck about your child's wellbeing.

It took me a while to realise that I had to grieve for the mother I desperately wanted but never had and never would have. My mental health was poisoned for years by the fact that I had in my life a person who should have been a proper mother, who pretended to everyone else that she was a proper mother, but who was actually a toxic witch.

It was having children that made me realise just how bad my childhood had been, until then I'd just assumed it was normal. :(

Thing is OP, your parents think everything is fine; any problems in your relationship will be attributed to you, not them.

I progressed to a place where they actually started to realise they were horrible to me. The problem is they keep overstepping boundaries they just don't get it and are too set in their ways to change. They think accepting they did wrong means it goes back to before and in my case I will parent them again and be there to meet their needs. They don't want to put in hard work its fear of death lonelyNess and old age that made them partly accept responsibility. They won't change unless they have years of therapy.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear. You drew the short straw when it came to parents op.

You might benefit from reading the Stately Homes threads on the Relationships board. There are other posters who've been where you are now, who could help you.