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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that maybe it would be nice for us to have DSD this Christmas

87 replies

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 08:30

This will be the 3rd Christmas we will have to spend without her.
She has just turned 5 and lives 50 miles away (a 100 mile round trip as DP does all of the travelling).

We haven't had her for the last 3 Christmases due to her mother demanding that she spend christmas with her. She became particularly more hostile about it after our first DD together was born last year.

She's happy to let us have her when she's going out etc for example this weekend and all the way up to Christmas Eve then back again on Boxing Day.

I find this really unfair in DSDs behalf as she is missing out on opening presents with her DS and also being passed from pillar to post

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 09:29

Oh so now its our fault for having a child? Why does EVERYBODY think that it is their absolute right to criticise us for having another child?? We've had all of this from her DM. Text messages telling me to abort the baby. All sorts

OP posts:

maddy68 · 21/12/2014 09:32

When I was small, christmas days were spent with mum, Boxing Day with dad. I loved that arrangement, no one squabbled, but dad used to making boxing day another xmas day.(except we had beef lol) It was great. And somehow it was more special as I felt it was more 'for me'

LetticeKnollys · 21/12/2014 09:39

royaldavescity Yes, I am a mum and a SM and I am inclined to agree with you. I don't know about everyone else, but DSS7 always seems a little homesick when he is with us at Christmas, I hope he copes alright this year. My parents weren't separated but I would have been very upset as well to be away from my mum who looked after me most of the time. Obviously it's different for some families, just my experience.

It's impossible to tell if YABU OP because you are clearly upset and angry at this woman so it's difficult to tell what is emotion/exaggeration and what is fact when you say things like she 'insists' you take her DD whenever it's not a school day, Christmas or birthday because they are always going away on holidays during this time and she doesn't want her DD to come. Sorry but I sense that she would tell a different story here.

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 09:44

Like I've said, she wants her for all of the good bits but palms her off on whoever she can the rest of the time.

OP posts:

royaldavescity · 21/12/2014 09:49

Has anybody asked the child what they want? Christmas is all about DCs ultimately so perhaps it should be her decision. Would she rather do Xmas day with mum and Boxing Day with dad each year, or would she prefer to alternate each year.

Fwiw I agree with pp, I would have been upset as a child not to spend Xmas with my mum.

Ludways · 21/12/2014 09:57

We didn't have dsd for Christmas until she was 12 and bow we have her alternates. It's lovely when she's here for the day but then we make it special when she comes to us after Christmas those other years.

Ludways · 21/12/2014 09:58

Sorry posted too early. You'll just have to make the best of what you get tbh.

DustInTheWind · 21/12/2014 10:14

'Has anybody asked the child what they want?'

She's 5, so the answer will probably be to be with mummy and daddy and a unicorn and a puppy. It somethimes take s children years and years to let go of the fantasy that everything will be the way they want it to be, and that mum and dad will get back together.
No OP. it isn't your faukt in any way, but you have a distressed child on your hands who probably isn't feeling reasonable or willing to compromise or even behave in a friendly manner.
All I can wish you is endless patience and that you will put her needs over the wants of the adults.
How old is your baby? I miss frisking toddlers for tree ornaments.

LIZS · 21/12/2014 11:23

No of course it isn't your "fault" for having a child. If you fly off the handle so readily here, then I can see why the bm may respond aggressively and be demanding. The child has had a lot of change to deal with and may well feel she doesn't fit in either home - hence the outbursts and bad behaviour when she is moved around as she can't express herself and rationalise emotion. It might be better to have less frequent but longer access so she has more time to get her frustrations out of her system and then start to enjoy the time she can spend with either you or her bm. It seems it is currently a very disjointed lifestyle which is hard for a 5yo to cope with. She sees daddy happy , mummy happy but perhaps doesn't feel happy or settled herself.

Camolips · 21/12/2014 11:31

Poor child

Be realistic. You will probably never have her on the 25th. Make Christmas Day another day. Wake up to stockings, presents, Christmas dinner, the whole caboodle. We've often had Christmas Day on the 26th or 27th, but it's important to have the night before to have the excitement build up. Hope it works out for you.

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 11:42

My DD is 16MO. I can't help but think her behaviour is encouraged at DMs house. 'Mummy told me to piss you off' 'daddy needs to stick his hand in his pocket' mummy told me you are a fucking waste of space'.

OP posts:

DustInTheWind · 21/12/2014 11:44

''Mummy told me to piss you off' 'daddy needs to stick his hand in his pocket' mummy told me you are a fucking waste of space'.

Has she actually said these words to you, or are you imagining the dialogue?
Becayuse if it's the former, then the child is being used as a pawn in a very nasty power struggle which is incredibly damaging for her.

MassaAttack · 21/12/2014 11:47

Does he need to stick his hand in his pocket though? Is he paying his way? Was he paying his way before he decided to have a child with another woman?

Nobody is coming out of this smelling of roses, are they.

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 11:53

He pays £70 maintenance a week plus does all of the travelling to bring her here and take her back. She doesn't go without.

Yes she's been saying the like with more regularity recently. It's upsetting and we don't react to it. DP says he doesn't want to say anything to his ex as he doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that its upsetting us. But then what damage is it doing DD?

OP posts:

CelesteToTheDance · 21/12/2014 13:49

Why should she have to spend Christmas Day without her daughter? You have your own kid to keep you company.

Mothers are the ones who go through pregnancy, childbirth, do the majority of the work, there's no reason to share the good bits 50/50 when you're doing 80 plus percent of the work. I might be a bit sympathetic if your husband would be alone otherwise but he won't, he has you and another child. Demanding his elder child too at the expense of his ex is just plain greedy.

You have her every weekend ffs, do you not think her mother would like to spend some non working/school time with her child? She deserves it too.

RVPisnomore · 21/12/2014 13:53

Celeste have you even read the thread? I suggest you go back and read the OP's comments.

Also, just because the mother gave birth doesn't mean she automatically get's to demand Xmas day!

McFarts · 21/12/2014 13:59

The ex sounds bloody toxic! :(. Think i'd be pointing out that its the holidays! as she is happy for you to have her every other school holidays why should this one be any different?...Id also be making sure that you arnt available New years eve too!..because i bet she is more than happy for you to have her over then!

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 14:02

Well up until very recently we were doing the majority of the childcare whilst she went out drinking.

We would rather it was EOW too!! We never get any time alone as adults and I never get any one on one time with my own DD.

DSD mum has made it quite clear that she is not prepared to have her on weekends or the majority of holidays. She says jump and DP says how high

OP posts:

karinmaria · 21/12/2014 14:05

It sounds like you're struggling OP,as is your DP. I was on the fence with your first post but your subsequent posts make for sad reading.

So, as far as I can tell you have DSD all weekends and most holidays. When she is not with you but at her mum's she is often sent to her aunt or GPs even though it's a school night? Her mum moved away to be with her new DP and yet does no travelling at all. And your DP pays the requisite amount of maintenance.

Add all the above to the awful things your DSD is parroting to the two of you and I really feel for her. She is being used by her mother and it is no wonder she has massive separation anxiety when she leaves either parent.

Tbh I think Christmas is the least of your worries when it comes to your little DSD. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but wanted to suggest you post in the step parenting boards for advice on how to make life much better for your family in the future.

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 14:05

Oh yes we've had her for the lat 4 NYE's!! You're not wrong there Mcfarts this is what I mean. It's like DSD is an inconvenience unless its to spoil her with presents an drag her along to family gatherings to 'prove' what an amazing mother she is when in actual fact she can't really be bothered with her 'difficult behaviour' which disappears once she's shown a bit of affection or kept occupied.

She has been a nightmare

OP posts:

DustInTheWind · 21/12/2014 14:06

So perhaps you need to formalise the arangement and have a neutral arbitrator and a legal arrangement.
Do you mean that DSD would come to you every other weekend and then alternate weeks in the holidays?
How would you deal with DSD EOW if you both work?

LIZS · 21/12/2014 14:07

Sounds as if a formal agreement is required so that everyone , including dsd, knows the expectation. Despite your evident and perhaps justifiable anger towards his ex you need to keep it neutral for dsd.

addictedtosugar · 21/12/2014 14:08

Oh, Smiley it sounds really hard. I think its too late for this year, but I think you should start putting some ground rules in place for next year.

What would happen if DH said he would only travel for DSD on Fridays and Sundays? If her mother wants her mid week, she has to collect? He seems to be doing all the running to try and keep up his relationship with his daughter.

Also, your DD is still tiny. If you work on the assumption nothing is going to change, can you start putting in place some traditions that mean if you have DSD on x-mas eve, you still get some of the magic of christmas? What about a x-mas eve Hamper that seems so popular on MN??- and depending on when you will next see her, you can increase the contents, or save for X-mas day?

I'm assuming that DSD arrives quite late when she is switching house? Does that link to the too tired, and perhaps and earlier journey would let her settle before bed? I know its different, as its going to a strange place, but if we put the boys in the car, and then put them into a strange bed, we get a really bad night - coming home is OK tho.

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 14:08

She'd be better off with us but DP refuses to even mention some sort of court arrangement as he feels it will create animosity between himself and his ex which DSD will pick up on.
BUT from what I can gather DSD's DM is doing a pretty good job of filling the poor child's head full of crap about DP and myself anyway.

OP posts:

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/12/2014 14:10

This little girl does seem to be being passed from pillar to post. I'm not getting much of a feeling that you care much for what is best for her beyond what you and your husband want.

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