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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that maybe it would be nice for us to have DSD this Christmas

87 replies

Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 08:30

This will be the 3rd Christmas we will have to spend without her.
She has just turned 5 and lives 50 miles away (a 100 mile round trip as DP does all of the travelling).

We haven't had her for the last 3 Christmases due to her mother demanding that she spend christmas with her. She became particularly more hostile about it after our first DD together was born last year.

She's happy to let us have her when she's going out etc for example this weekend and all the way up to Christmas Eve then back again on Boxing Day.

I find this really unfair in DSDs behalf as she is missing out on opening presents with her DS and also being passed from pillar to post

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 14:13

I must admit an earlier travelling time is preferable but DSDs DM play darts on a Friday nights so DP goes to collect DSD at 4:30pm on a Friday afternoon. She falls asleep on the way home and by the time she's back an has properly woken up shes is a complete state. It's not just attention seeking crying its genuine sobs and upset which is pretty heart wrenching to listento

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 14:16

phaedrals what myself an my DPARTNER want is what's best for DSD.

EOW contact an EOW in the holidays. As for what happens at her DMs house, we can control that. We can make sure that when she comes here she is happy, well fed and looked after and reassured which is what we do

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 14:19

Poor little mite. I agree with Andrew though, put your foot down for next year, have it alternate Christmas. It's only fair, when she's older she can decide.

needaholidaynow · 21/12/2014 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 14:42

She defends herself by dying tht she was drunk when she sent those texts and conveniently can't remember sending them at all!

OP posts:
FaithLoveandGrace · 21/12/2014 15:08

Hi smiley. It sounds like an awful situation to be in for all of you. As hard as it is, especially when DSD is getting upset, I think you need to try to distance yourself from her mum's behaviour. You cannot control it, you cannot change it, but what you can do is focus on your time with DSD. Believe me, I know it's hard but you'll only make things worse for yourself by allowing the resentment to build up. I really do think your DP needs to try mediation or something. It's too late for this Christmas but I'd definitely try to sort something out for next year and for general contact arrangements too.

We have DSS every other Christmas either for the first half of the school holidays until Christmas Day about 4pm or from early Boxing Day morning to the end of the hols (though flexible depending on when Christmas falls). I agree with what others say about finding your own traditions on a separate day. When we have DSS Boxing Day (like this year), we just do presents then. DP tells him Father Christmas has delivered presents here too which he can open when he gets here. 2 years ago we did the whole presents and Christmas lunch on Boxing Day and I'm sure we'll do something similar this year. At the end of the day, the actual day doesn't particularly matter though I do understand your frustrations.

needaholidaynow · 21/12/2014 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suefla62 · 21/12/2014 15:34

You say your husband does the transportation? Can he just refuse to drive her back on Christmas Eve. If the Mum really wants her she can come and pick up.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 16:23

sue he could refuse but he won't. He tiptoes around her as though he's on egg shells. He's so worried that she's going to turn around and say you can't see DSD.

She knows that DP is soft and thinks the world of DSD - he would move mountains to make sure he saw her.

She knows this an therefore uses DSD as a bargaining tool - after all, by her own admission, she tried trapping him by conceiving DSD so she's just used her and used her to get what she wants

OP posts:
MassaAttack · 21/12/2014 17:13

We never get any time alone as adults

You are responsible for two very young children. Whilst ideally parents get time together alone, for most it's a rare occurrence.

I never get any one on one time with my own DD
Whilst ideally parents get time alone with each child....etc etc

You're in a difficult position, op. But some of your laments are only provoking the tiniest of violins. Welcome to parenthood.

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/12/2014 17:20

what myself an my DPARTNER want is what's best for DSD
You're not her mother. What you want you is largely irrelevant.

As "for never getting time on our own" you and billions of other parents.

I'd love to hear the other side of this.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 17:20

Surely my DD is entitled to one on one with her own mother?? I work all week as many others do. I was trying to state why I thought EOW contact was a good idea - these were two of the reasons.

If, as adults we don't get any grown up time together how is the relationship forced to last or even b a strong one? It is important that we actually hav a relationship. Jut as important for the kids as it is for us

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 21/12/2014 17:22

Oh and "tried to trap him by conceiveng"

He didn't know how babies were made?

FaithLoveandGrace · 21/12/2014 17:23

smiley you have a child so how would you get one to one time with your DP anyway? Welcome to the world of parenthood...

As for one on one time with your own child, can't DP take DSD somewhere alone? 1 to 1 time for her is just as important.

Whilst I agree the situation is sucky and DSD should have time with her mum as well, unfortunately that's not going to be the case unless your DP goes via mediation / court and even then you can't force DM to spend any quality time with her :(

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 17:28

Tell me about it. There are so many people on here who jump down your throat on so called support forums and try to catch you out over anything

OP posts:
BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 21/12/2014 17:50

you can't change dsd's mum but you can change what happens at your house. honestly if she is coming every weekend then booking a babysitter would not be unreasonable every couple of months or so. does she see any of dp's family that she could stay with? I presume you have to find the child care for her in the holidays?

does dp pay the going rate considering he has so many nights per year? or extra? [nosy]

can you pick a trdition from another country which has them opening presents on christmas eve? or other family traditions that take account of the situation. (not that you should have to every year)

how are you going to manage the dsd gets presents from two parents and dd form only one set of parents andpossibly half the number of presents... I would find that tricky to navigate fairly... a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

hope you kept the texts suggesting abortion somewhere. also hoping you keep a reacord of how much you have dsd. courts would be loathed to change the status quo if she starts playing silly buggers ...

MassaAttack · 21/12/2014 17:52

Patting your arm and a series of "aww huns" wouldn't be helpful.

Becoming a parent is amassive adjustment. Time alone, with yourself or with your partner, will be in short supply.

Any parent of more than one child (which is what you are) will say the same re spending time alone with a particular dc.

Please try to separated this from the issues you have with your step daughter's mother.

MassaAttack · 21/12/2014 17:56

Well that post went tits up. Iblame smartphones and port

Marmiteandjamislush · 21/12/2014 18:06

YABU OP and I have to say that you and DSD's mum sound just as bad as each other, only in different ways. You are both using her as a pawn to make a statement to or about your partner. You seem to want to 'have' he interesting choice of word by the way, she is not a toy so that you can prove what a perfect Mum, family, you are in comparison to her mum. It's not as if you won't get to see her at all over the holiday, is it? So your DC will have time with her. So that's not the issue.

Her DM may have issues, or may not be the best mother or whatever, but why shouldn't she spend time with her daughter on Christmas Day if she wants? How would you feel if you were separated from your DC? I assume they both decided to separate so your partner should understand that that will mean they will miss out on/ have to compromise on some things due to distance. I have a DC who is only a little older than her and he would be heartbroken to be away from me on Christmas, so as others have said, maybe she wants her Mum?

If you are really concerned for the child, stop thinking of yourself and support her and your DH to clarify the situation with her Mum.

bronya · 21/12/2014 18:07

1:1 adult time - get a babysitter and go out. You would have to arrange that for your DD anyway.

1:1 time with your DD - get DP to take DSD somewhere or you go out and he stays home with her.

Agree with others that a formal agreement would be best.

PuffinsAreFictitious · 21/12/2014 18:21

Smiley, this sounds like a really difficult situation.

Could you perhaps (as your DD is very small) do the Christmas thing a day early? So DSD gets to have a lovely proper Christmas with you when she's not tired or still suffering from the effects of the long journey? I know it's not ideal, but the 25th December is just a day really, you can do everything just as well on the 24th, and then on the 25th you can maybe have friends over or visit other people. Start this as your family's tradition and it will look normal to everyone.

DSD needs you and your DP to be the grown ups here, from what you've said, her DM can't or won't right now and DSD needs stability and to know that she's wanted and loved by warm and caring people. You just need to step away from whatever shenanigans are going on at DSD's other home and concentrate on what's happening in yours.

I agree that the arrangements need to be formalised. All texts, emails and letters and your replies need to be saved as well. Maybe get a spare mobile between you and DP just for her to contact?

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 18:35

Uggghhhhhh how am I using her as a pawn?? We were resident parents until she decided to move 50 miles away and decided to uproot DSD too!! Yet everything is still completely on her terms.

Yes I am a better mum than her. I don't prioritise drinking, nights out and holidays over my DD or her DD

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 21/12/2014 18:35

While I agree with the majority about the christmas situation I do think 1:1 adult time is very important.

I have my DS all week, and by this I don't mean I get to go to work and see other adult humans, I mean I stay up all night, take him to school and sleep for the 4 hours a day I get free.

My DS has numerous disabilities and health problems.

In the holidays I get no sleep.

DS goes to his dad's on a Friday night through Saturday and comes home Saturday night. This gives me time to establish my relationship with my DP (when he's not at work all weekend that is) but DSs dad also needs time out to be able to go on dates and eventually establish his own relationship, so he gets Saturday nights and all Sunday off. He works all week so can't really go out and date weeknights, although he probably gets more sleep than me still even if he did go out, I want his dad to be able to eventually establish a good and healthy relationship for my DSs sake.

If DSs dad wants a whole weekend off, I allow for that, if he wants to take DS away all weekend, he always can. We give months worth of notice though.

Because of this mutual respect, our relationship is a good one, I wouldn't want to go to the pub with him or anything but when DS is in hospital we can sleep in the same room together and me, DP and DSs dad can spend days in a hospital ward together chatting and getting on.

When DSs dad had a (nasty wretch) girlfriend who wouldn't give him any 1:1 time with DS we organised that he came and took DS out after school one night a week for proper quality dad and son time while she was at work.

You need time for 1:1 with your own child, your DP needs 1:1 time with both of his and you both need 1:1 time together.

This may not be every single week but you could work it monthly.

So if you've got both children all weekend every weekend one day could be both of you going off for 1:1 time with the children, your DP could have an activity on a weeknight with just your child, and maybe once a month you could book a babysitter on a weekend for you and DP to have some couple time.

Holidays like christmas need to be worked out so that all of you are happy. That may well mean compromises all round. Maybe you'll just have to write off christmas and make your own traditions the day after Boxing Day? Like a stocking each for the kids and visiting DPs family?

DSs dad has always had easter with DS, he does the egg hunts etc. I hate it, but it's only fair he gets one special occasion. Maybe you could negotiate that and make that special?

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 21/12/2014 18:38

Thank you hurr1cane. A night out every 6 months would suit me just fine!!

OP posts:
Marmiteandjamislush · 21/12/2014 18:47

Smiley the last line of your comment before Hurricane's just proved everything I thought about you from this thread. You are using her as a pawn just like her mother to prove a point and then you moan about seeing her at other times because you don't get 1:1 time as you'd like with your DD/ DH?But you want a high profile day like Christmas, so you can be Disney Mum.