AIBU to think that maybe it would be nice for us to have DSD this Christmas

[Smileybutstressed]

This will be the 3rd Christmas we will have to spend without her.
She has just turned 5 and lives 50 miles away (a 100 mile round trip as DP does all of the travelling).

We haven't had her for the last 3 Christmases due to her mother demanding that she spend christmas with her. She became particularly more hostile about it after our first DD together was born last year.

She's happy to let us have her when she's going out etc for example this weekend and all the way up to Christmas Eve then back again on Boxing Day.

I find this really unfair in DSDs behalf as she is missing out on opening presents with her DS and also being passed from pillar to post

AIBU?

[Hurr1cane]

Maybe you could negotiate a weekend without DSD every 2 months? Or monthly? Then get family to mind your DD one of those nights? It would have to be done officially though. I certainly never minded when DSs dad wanted a weekend away with his GF when he was with her (even though she was a horrible, jealous human who wouldn't allow DSs dad to even step foot inside my house in case we suddenly got the urge to shag in front of my DS after 9 years happily apart and only 1 together when we were very young)

I hope he meets someone nice who I can get on with like DSs dad gets on with my DP. I think it would be lovely if everyone involved in a childs life could get on like that.

[Nanny0gg]

As is usual, the issue here is your DP.

He needs to go to court and get the arrangements formalised. Then the Ex can be as awkward as she likes - he has a court order.

And then the poor little thing might know where she stands better. It won't depend on her mother's darts playing or social life.

[Happypogostick]

Your DP and your DSD's mum have joint responsibility for a child. It's not like co-ownership of a yacht that each should mutually benefit from. The child's needs are the primary concern, she doesn't exist for the benefit of her parents.

With this in mind, I don't think it matters that DSD's mum will be lonely without her- your DSD should have equal time, alternating if this is best with both families until she's old enough to decide what she wants.

I'd try and reach an agreement for next year's CD onwards with DSD's mum- and indeed for ongoing contact arrangements- and maybe avail of a family mediation service to help work things through if it's difficult?

[Smileybutstressed]

Well its true!! We could all go out drinking and palm out kids off on whoever but we don't do we??

[Marmiteandjamislush]

Please stop digging Smilley, all the righteous !!!'s in the world won't make me agree with you. Also you are forgetting, we only have your side of things. As I say, your DSD's mum, may not be perfect, but there will be times in your life as a parent when you won't be either. Believe me. All you can do is hope that people won't try to prove how great they are by knocking you down as you have done to her here.

[Charley50]

I don't know why some people are being hostile OP. Taking what you say at face value, it is wrong that you have DSD every weekend, and that alone suggests to me that DSDs mum is not putting her own DD first.
Fwiw my DS spends alternate Xmas's with myself and his dad. That's fair. His dad has remarried, DS has a step sister, why shouldn't he spend some Xmas's with them?
I agree with some pp that it should be formalised through mediation or court.

[Charley50]

So no yanbu and I think some posters are far too precious about mums having to spend Xmas day with their children.

[duckwalk]

marmite I don't think the op is trying to win you over or make you side with her. She's simply using this forum for its intended use......voicing her concerns and asking for advice. It seems she feels she has to justify herself to you (which she doesn't). She's come on here for a bit of support, and while it's not realistic that everyone will be of the same opinion, I think we all need to remember that this is a person with a problem, worries and frustrations. Of course we're not going to hear the BMs side of the story....but then that's just standard for any thread started on this forum... We hear the OPs concerns and we need to use that to offer advice/suggestions etc etc. Not sure why you seem so hostile? You aren't DSDs mum are you??

[furcoatbigknickers]

Does dsd not go to bed in the evening? You dp can have time together then?

[Marmiteandjamislush]

No I'm not. But I do think it's a bit rich of her to ask for support on a parenting issue, whilst ripping into another parent, who is not able to give her side or defend herself, to shreds. As I have said, I can hear undertones in her posts of reprehensible behaviour concerning the child on all sides! I have heard the Op and given an opinion, which is what she asked for. It may not be the one she wanted, or that of the majority but that is what I have done. She doesn't need to justify herself to me. I agree, but perhaps she is recognizing she's not coming across as she meant to and is trying to rectify. Not meaning that in a bad way by the way, just that maybe she wants to clarify a few things in response to my posts.

[LIZS]

I'm with blackeyed . Focus on what is in your power to change . That is not his ex, however annoying or abusive you find her attitude, but your oh's willingness to put some sort of structure on the visits and the timings. His unwillingness is not her fault or dsds. You say you find it unfair that dsd spends every Christmas Day with her mum , that dp does all the travelling to and fro, that she takes advantage in order to facilitate her own social life etc It can't bother him to any real degree otherwise surely he would take steps to change it . How long were they together after dsd was born ? It sounds as if she has been shuttled around for several years and that must be unsettling.

[Morloth]

Your DH has options to sort this out properly.

The fact that he won't is on him.

Poor little girl.