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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let ds's grandparents visit Christmas Day?

91 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 20/12/2014 17:58

Dp and I separated in October and all is well, very amicable for the children's sake. We have ds1 13 (mine from previous marriage) and ds2 5 together.

The plan was for ex to come over first thing Christmas morning to see kids with open their presents, all well and good as far as I was concerned.

Then ex phones earlier and says that his parents also want to come over on Christmas morning, lovely I thought, until he says that they want to come and give ds2 his presents themselves but don't have anything for ds1 (not their "proper grandson").

I am furious, we were together for 9 years and every year we were together both children got presents from them.

I am furious and have said that unless they bring something for both boys then they can't come over at all. Ex is furious with me because he thinks I'm trying to stop his parents seeing their grandson.

Am I really being unreasonable though, because I know ds1 will feel like shit if they turn up with something just for his brother.

OP posts:

Number11 · 20/12/2014 19:28

YANBU and in my world unwanted guests are unwanted for life, not just for Christmas.

You know your ex "is furious [with me] because he thinks I'm trying to stop his parents seeing their grandson."? Well, if I were in your shoes he'd have stopped thinking it long since. He'd KNOW it.

Then he'd be given two choices. Either he can change his outlook towards your children and stop being supportive of his parent's awful ideas or he can stay away too.

LuluJakey1 · 20/12/2014 19:32

Just shows how fragile the veneer of civility is in any break-up.

Wouldn't give them house room, or DP if he is going to defend their behaviour.

sykadelic · 20/12/2014 19:32

YANBU.

I would talk to your ExP again, now that you've had some time to calm down, and tell him that you're not trying to stop them seeing their grandson, you're trying to protect your son. He, emotionally, wouldn't understand why the people who have been his grandparents for 9 years suddenly want nothing to do with him. Having that shoved in his face, on Christmas Day, will just be too hard on him.

Prior to this, what were your ExP's plans for Christmas and the kid/s, just at yours? Is he planning on taking his son and leaving your son? I don't know your situation but he's essentially been this kids dad since he was 4. That's going to be hard on him and needs to be handled delicately by all concerned (and you're doing a great job).

SpidersInTheBox · 20/12/2014 19:32

They are nasty. YADNBU and they can fuck off.

SpidersInTheBox · 20/12/2014 19:33

You should forward this thread to your ex.

Original poster

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 20/12/2014 19:39

Thanks everyone, in answer to a pp no there wasn't anyone else involved in our break up, although tbh even if there were I don't see that as a reason to treat a child that way.

Also, no ds1 family doesn't buy anything for ds2 because they don't know him and ds1 goes to his dad's family so isn't given presents in front of his brother.

I just can't understand how people can do this, when ds1 goes to his dad on Boxing Day, I send presents (on ds1 behalf) for his dad, his wife and their baby daughter.

OP posts:

rumbleinthrjungle · 20/12/2014 19:41

Who could make a gesture that hurts a thirteen year old child?! Especially at Christmas.

YANBU at all. Very, very nasty. I think of my gorgeous step nephew who is the same age and can't imagine ever, under any circumstances, doing that to him no matter what happened between his mum and dad. He'd be devastated.

Altinkum · 20/12/2014 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

financialwizard · 20/12/2014 19:54

YANBU. Your poor dc1

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 19:59

I think Altinkum sometimes there is no explanation, it's blood isent it. Mabey they bought op ds1 presents before the separation out of politeness, now they have split they no longer feel the need too. As op said in her op, they are just bringing presents for their 'proper grandson', eg the one their ds is biologically related to.

WaitingForMe · 20/12/2014 20:17

That is twisted. Sadly a friend of mine is going through something similar with her ex's family. Stepdad was the only dad her eldest kids have known

Lindy2 · 20/12/2014 20:18

The fact that they have mentioned in advance that they only have one present means they know that is not really acceptable. Just say that if that is their choice that is fine but it means that they will not be seeing you on Christmas day as you are not going to have one of your children upset by them on such a special day. I'm not sure what I would do with regarding your youngest actually getting the present. Hopefully they will realise how mean they are being and get presents for both.

FishWithABicycle · 20/12/2014 20:27

If ds1 is going to his dad's family and getting gifts there then that can be the same arrangement for ds2. It's totally inappropriate to have the two DSs treated unequally, and totally inappropriate for one to get a gift and the other not.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 20:31

They can give presents to ds when ds2 next has contact with his dad, not in op home.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 20:37

Don't allow it on Boxing day when your ds1 is at his dad's as you will be supporting this inequality, and it would not feel right ds1 not being there, sneaky like.

Rafflesway · 20/12/2014 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreeSpirit89 · 20/12/2014 21:29

YANBU - can't give one without the other that's not fair on them. Stick to your guns

DeWee · 20/12/2014 21:46

I see Altinkum's point though. Maybe they've seethed in private for years that they felt obliged to give ds1 a present and his family don't give to ds2. They'll now be getting equal numbers of presents, which some would see as more fair.

I also, from seeing my dc, think it is easier to give a 5yo a token gift they're pleased with, then a 13yo who may well look at his present and his db's present and realise it's token in comparison.

For my dc they do have different Godparents who give in different ways.
Dd1: 1. gives every time always to dd1 and sometimes a token gift to the others, 2. Sometimes gives
Dd2: 1. Always gives to all of them. 2. Always gave to all until 3-4 years ago when they asked if I minded if they only gave to dd2 (which I didn't). Because they had 4 godchildren between them and giving to siblings meant an extra 14 presents.
Ds: 1. Always gives to ds, sometimes to the other two. 2. Never gives.

They all accept that they all have different relationships there, and that does come with different presents. I've never had a complaint from any, even when dd2's one stopped giving to all-dd1 asked if she had a present when she was writing thank you letters and I said "no, she's only giving to dd2, just like your godparents do" and her reply was along the lines of how kind she'd been in previous years, and it hasn't been mentioned again.

I do agree that it's not fair turning up, particularly if there's likely to be a fuss made of ds2 as well, which it sounds likely. I wouldn't ever not give a present to someone on Christmas day if I was going round to their house.
But equal would be to let them give a present to ds2 only, but not when ds1 is there, assuming you know that ds1 will get a present from his side and not ds2. That's the same for both, and I would expect them to be able to understand that. The only issue is if one is likely to only give a token present and the other a huge one.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 22:00

Dewee this should happen then when ds next sees his dad away from home, like what happens with ds1 and his dad. Not in op home right I front of ds1 rubbing his face in it on Christmas day. That is mean and op has every right not to allow or facilitate that.

MinceSpy · 20/12/2014 22:15

OP you condone DS1 getting gifts from his paternal family and accept that DS2 is excluded. Isn't it rather hypocritical to then demand that DS2s paternal family treat DS1 equally. I would tell your ex and his parents that they can't come Christmas day but are welcome Boxing day when DS1 is with his dad.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 22:21

Mince that is totally different. Op previous ex has not raised op ds5 and been involved in his life whereas op recent ex has. No op should not facilitate this even on boxing day, as it's basically supporting the unequal treatment. I could not sit there and watch presents being exchanged and opened knowing ds1 does not have, it's sneaky. Grandparents should give ds2 gifts when he is next with dad. Mabey dad çoukd have him on Boxing Day and rake him to grandparents, or part of Christmas Day.

ouryve · 20/12/2014 22:27

I thikn people are missing that DS2 won't have built up the same sort of relationship with DS1's father and paternal grandparents that DS1 would have with DS2's.

OP you're right to keep them from doing that in your home. They'll have plenty of other chances to just give a gift to DS2 without rather unsubtly snubbing DS1 in the process.

Silverdaisy · 20/12/2014 22:45

Is he telling the truth, at t least the real story? Why would people suddenly become so rude.

MinceSpy · 20/12/2014 22:54

Aero I don't think ex and his parents giving gifts to his son in front of other child is right. The OP hasn't said the ex isn't giving her son a gift just the paternal grandparents, that's rather different.

ouryve · 20/12/2014 23:02

The eldest boy has known his younger brother's grandparents for 9 years - about 2/3 of his life - and presumably assumed that they might care about him, MinceSpy.

Do you really think that there's nothing wrong with him discovering that they don't think of him as a grandson, at all, on Christmas day, and that they think so little of him, after knowing him for almost a decade, that they don't even consider him worthy of a small gift?

It's not even about the gifts, or number of gifts, but what the lack of gift signifies. That would be heartbreaking, really, particularly on a day that's supposed to signify goodwill.

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