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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you?

88 replies

anicesitdownandshutup · 19/12/2014 19:04

I'm on a facebook group for Mums and one Mum was giving out about ex partner criticising their daughter's clothing. The Mum explained on the group how she didn't have money to buy new clothes. I offered to pass on some of my DDs old clothes as I have nobody to pass them on to. The Mum collected the bag of clothes and thanked me at the time but that was that. I would have expected that once she went through the bag she would have sent me a message to thank me.....I know that you don't give to get but there were some really nice dresses and quality stuff in there. I would think that if she wanted me to send her stuff again in the future that she'd want thank me now.....AIBU?

OP posts:
Poofus · 19/12/2014 20:17

In her situation I would have followed up with a message once I'd actually opened the bag and looked at the clothes. Something like "the red dress is really lovely" or "DD really likes the T-shirts". A general thanks is fine for receiving the bag, but as the giver I'd be teeny bit disappointed not to hear a follow up about any clothes she'd really liked, or how they fit, or something.

Poofus · 19/12/2014 20:18

I think it's not so much about wanting to be thanked, btw, but more that I would still have a residual sentimental attachment to the clothes.

christmaspies · 19/12/2014 20:21

I think she thanked you enough although I understand that you would like to know if the clothes were really useful. Mybe next time you could ask her (or whoever) to let you know whether or not the dd liked them/they fitted

HeraldAngelSinging · 19/12/2014 20:21

Did you thank her for taking the clothes off your hands?

RedSoloCup · 19/12/2014 20:27

I've passed lots of things onto others with a simple thank you which was lovely as I gave it, never expected anymore, was glad the clothes were being used not binned.

Original poster
anicesitdownandshutup · 19/12/2014 20:27

If someone I didn't know, who I wasn't going to meet again during the course of day to day life, gave me some clothes and if I was happy for her to pass on clothes to me in the future, I would send her a two line facebook message along the lines of 'DD loved the clothes. Feel free to pass anything else on'
We have money problems ourselves and I've always being delighted with getting anything for my kids.
Thanks Esmum07. I'll take your advice. It's not knowing if the stuff was suitable. I'd love to have someone to pass on DD's clothes to.

OP posts:
TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/12/2014 20:30

She said thank you! I'm with the others: you wanted her to thank you on the Facebook thing and say how Naice all the clothes are!

apotatoprintinapeartree · 19/12/2014 20:34

Not everyone is you thouh OP.
Maybe the thought of publicly thanking you doesn't come easy to this person and some people who are having a hard time financially don't want to have to be reminded of it.
She said thank you, isn't this enough.
If you didn't want to give Disney stuff you could have ebayed it and got money and maybe a thank you from your customer.
Charity is just that, you don't do it to gain public thanks.

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 19/12/2014 20:35

She may well say something the next time you see her. It's not so urgent that she needed to send a message straight away.

I have never expected a follow up like that

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 19/12/2014 20:36

I don't understand. She thanked you in person.

steff13 · 19/12/2014 20:38

It's not knowing if the stuff was suitable. I'd love to have someone to pass on DD's clothes to.

Why don't you just ask her? "Hey, did the clothes work out? I'd love to have someone to pass my daughter's things to as she outgrows them."

Shortly after I had my daughter, a friend of mine from high school saw a friend of hers on FB offering a box of newborn-12 month sized clothes. My friend claimed them on my behalf. The women shipped a huge box of clothes from California to me in Ohio. I sent her a $50 giftcard to Starbucks. But, I'm not struggling financially. I've given clothes to people who have appealed on FB because they were struggling, and I never expected more than a simple thank you.

Romeorodriguez · 19/12/2014 20:40

I would actually be more offended by your message than silence OP. It sounds a bit grabby.

Original poster
anicesitdownandshutup · 19/12/2014 20:53

I mentioned the Disney stuff as when I said the clothes were pre-loved someone here said that they were used, not pre-loved. The Disney dress was bought by my parents and was immaculate. I would never sell it on ebay but liked the thought of passing it on to another little girl, rather than it sitting in the attic.
People have decided that I wanted a full page ad in The Times and a 30 second tv ad. Feels a bit like the panto now with 'oh yes, you did' 'oh no, i didn't'.
Personally I would have followed up, once I looked through the clothes, with a quick Facebook private message. And I thought that everyone did this but obviously not.

OP posts:
TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/12/2014 20:56

No, hopefully you can now see that most people would consider a thank you said at the time to be a thank you. A thank you note is a substitute for having been able to say it at the time, so as she did say it at the time, it's weird to need an extra note.

MrsDeVere · 19/12/2014 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 19/12/2014 20:59

Pre-loved IS used.
Just a (silly) fancy way of saying it, in some weird way of trying to make used sound better, when there's nothing wrong with "used" anyway.

Gosh, I'm on two threads in one evening feeling Hmm at people thinking used / second hand is bad.
I'm fortunate to have a bit of disposable income but I bloody love used if it means a bargain!
Pre-loved is a mismatched vintage tea set type of word. Kind of sweet and not bad, but a bit fluffy and pointless!

Cabrinha · 19/12/2014 21:00

MrsDeV "pre-loved is not a thing" Grin

Panzee · 19/12/2014 21:01

"Everyone" = you.

MadeinSouthWest · 19/12/2014 21:02

Not a second thank you, but I would have thought it polite for her to follow up with a message that she had actually looked through the bag of clothes.

vindscreenviper · 19/12/2014 21:14

But you've said that you think YWBU op so there's no need to keep on defending your original position Confused

Just let it go (but check ebay for the Disney dresses Grin)

MrsDeVere · 19/12/2014 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
anicesitdownandshutup · 19/12/2014 21:17

Ok. IABU.
Maybe I'm just overly sentimental about some used/pre-loved clothes.Think that to anyone else it was a bag of old clothes but to me it was some of my DD's childhood memories. Remember seeing a programme with a lady who's son was premature and she kept everything that he'd ever worn.
The lady did thank me. I would have liked to hear that her DD liked the clothes. But a good deed is it's own reward.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 19/12/2014 21:25

I'm sorry - I'm chuckling because I now have a mental image going through clothes thinking "it was still really kind of her, but I was hoping for some plain Next knits, and it's all flipping polyester Disney tat"*

*my daughter is a BIG fan on Disneystore costumes.

Cabrinha · 19/12/2014 21:27

OP, I think you need to remember that this woman will have NO idea that any of these clothes were special to you. In fact, more likely she'll think the opposite because you offered them to a stranger. I think you've just invested too much emotion in the giving. It was kind though.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 19/12/2014 21:34

Perhaps you need to make little labels to attach to items you give away in future that state 'accept and be eternally grateful and praise the giver every so often'