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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP is "ill" again - FFS

75 replies

SantasHerIndoors · 19/12/2014 11:01

Becoming so disillusioned with our entire relationship. Ever since we've been together DP has this odd habit of becoming "ill" every time something needs doing/we're busy/I've been looking forward to something.

The regular one is the weekends ... he's fine all week but you can guarantee that as soon as Friday hits he suddenly feels 'off' - cue moangy bastard for the entire weekend. In the end I just started working weekends, no point in looking forward to them anymore so may as well get paid for the fuckers.

Getting close to a holiday ... DP comes over all "ill" meaning all planning/organizing etc is left to me.

Now this week has just been horrendous, we BOTH work yet as it's christmas next week and we have shit loads to do, DP is "ill" and so it's been left to me to make dinner every night, clean the kitchen, wash, dry and iron everyones clothes, get all the christmas shopping in, wrap presents ... all the while he's been "ill".

Funnily enough he feels a bit better today (now that everything is done) and he will do as it's his works night out tonight, miracle recovery needed. Considering he couldn't move off the bed yesterday he'll need a bloody miracle to be able to pub crawl around town tonight but he'll make it. And then he'll have a hangover tomorrow and his illness will return ... as it's a busy weekend and we have shit loads to do.

I'm fucking sick of it.

OP posts:

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 19/12/2014 11:04

Um, what do you get out of this relationship?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 19/12/2014 11:05

Stop feeding him. You've got enough to be getting on with if he's too bone idle to do it. He'll get his arse out of bed if nobody is feeding him. I'm a single mum and however ill I am, I still manage to function because I have to.

CadleCrap · 19/12/2014 11:06

So, why are you with him?

Reekypear · 19/12/2014 11:07

Well say..'as your to ill for the pub crawl, I'm planning a cozy night in instead' call his bluff.

MaryWestmacott · 19/12/2014 11:07

Agree, he does this all year round, why do you put up with it? I'd tell him he sholdn't go on his work do, or if he does, to not drink as he's got lots to do this weekend and you don't want him being too ill again.

Write out a list of jobs he needs to get done, if he wants to do them with a hangover, fine, but he doesn't get to make himself ill so he can opt out of the work for Christmas. Tell him you think he's lying about being ill so much and does it deliberately to avoid doing the chores. You are expecting him to do it to you tomorrow and you've had enough.

Stop going along with the pretence.

Then in the new year, have a good think about why you aren't calling him on it and just working round his bad behaviour for years. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Original poster

SantasHerIndoors · 19/12/2014 11:09

I've told him, he just goes off on one saying I'm not supportive and "you wait until you're ill and wanting sympathy"

Well there's the thing, I don't get time to get ill ffs

I find myself detaching.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 19/12/2014 11:10

It sounds very annoying. Have you spoken to him about it? Not in a confrontational way, more along the lines of:

'I notice that your health has been very up and down recently, and I'm worried about you. It also seems that your condition can be triggered by there being a task you really don't want to do, or a social situation that seems to make you nervous. I'm concerned that what you may have is depression. Would you consider seeing a doctor to discuss it?'

You will get either:

You're right, I'll make an appointment
Don't be ridiculous, I'm fine. It's just a cold.

This lets him know that you have spotted the pattern with his illness, but he can;t accuse you of being unsupportive

emotionsecho · 19/12/2014 11:15

Stop pandering to him. If he is miraculously well enough to go out tonight then he is well enough to pull his weight this weekend and you will not accept any skiving off from him.

Think about what you actually need him around for as you do everything without his input, you might as well have one less person to accommodate.

PumpkinPie2013 · 19/12/2014 11:15

I wouldn't be happy with this! If he's so ill he shouldn't go on the works do. Also, since he gets ill so often I would tell him he should see a doctor!

He needs to realise that sometimes, even when we don't feel great we have to do certain things.

I've been unwell with tonsillitis and caught another bug on top so have felt rough for about 6 weeks but I'm still doing as much as I can at home. No way would I leave it all to DH.

He needs to sort himself out!

MaryWestmacott · 19/12/2014 11:18

Then go with the list of jobs for tomorrow now, tell him you are concerned he's going to be too 'ill' to do them if he goes out tonight and that while he might not do it deliberately, has he realised he's always ill when there's jobs to be done? You have too much that needs to be done this weekend to have him out of action. It's down to him if he goes out tonight, but if he does, you don't want to hear one word about being 'too ill' to do his share of the work and expect him showered, dressed, breakfasted and ready to pull his weight by 9am at the latest tomorrow. You have had enough and will not tolerate his choice to make himself ill meaning you are expected to do his stuff for him.

Then follow through, tomorrow morning at 8am, remind him of the agreement.

By 9:05am if he's not up and ready, then you read the riot act. And do it. He's being selfish, you have recognised it but rather than challenge it, you've worked round it. Stop.

Challenge him every single time. Or decide if having to 'mother' him is what you want from a relationship.

MaryWestmacott · 19/12/2014 11:20

Also worth asking yourself, other than his wage, what does he bring to family life?

ConferencePear · 19/12/2014 11:20

Ask him if he was like this when he had a maths/history or whatever test at school. Can he see a pattern ?

LurkingHusband · 19/12/2014 11:22

My first thought was "how would you deal with a child like this" ?

My gut feel is make the outcomes of "illness" more unpleasant than the outcomes of wellness.

Force him to see a doctor. If he doesn't go, he isn't ill. And so on.

Isn't this what cod liver oil was used for in the past, when children were "ill" ?

hesterton · 19/12/2014 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 19/12/2014 11:26

How long have you put up with this behaviour for?

Miggsie · 19/12/2014 11:26

this one is not a keeper - when you challenge him he basically ignores your input and observations and simply threatens to be horrible to you when you are ill.

I fail to see why anyone would want to interact with anyone so lazy and selfish. Detach totally and leave him!

Miggsie · 19/12/2014 11:28

And on no account have children with this man - he'll be no use at all.

NurseDoctor · 19/12/2014 11:36

Sounds like he is either depressed or lazy.
If he is depressed he needs to discuss with you and his GP
If he's lazy you shouldn't bother with him
A bit blunt perhaps but if he isn't unwell then he is just taking advantage of you and you are letting him
One thing to bare in mind is that people with depression usually struggle with most aspects of daily life, including work. So the fact he is managing Mon-Fri and it is only "extra" things he is struggling with rings alarm bells

MrsKoala · 19/12/2014 11:54

Being as generous as possible to your dh, i do think some people confuse the symptoms of being ill with those of being tired. So it's quite normal to feel tired at the end of the working week, leading up to a holiday etc. And it's also quite normal to not want to do chores so then getting the energy and enthusiasm is even harder. But this gets construed as feeling 'ill' which it really isn't. And everyone feels it. I know a few people who do this and i genuinely believe they think they are ill and they get quite upset and offended if you point out how 'convenient' it all is and the obvious pattern - which they never seem to recognise.

What i have done in this circumstance is in a kind way point out i have noticed a pattern. Point out being tired is very similar to 'ill' and that you can be pro-active to ward off these bouts of 'illness'. Ie take some vitamins, try berroca (or whatever it's called), make sure you get plenty of early nights, don't have a hangover, eat well, do some exercise. And then i make a point of saying a week before, remember this weekend we need to do x and ensure they know i am on to them. I also say if these pre-emptive measures don't work then they must see a dr as I am worried they have something serious wrong with them.

Faux concern is the way to go. If they still persist then i would be re-thinking a lot of things and i would also let them know that too.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2014 11:57

I don't understand why you are still with him!
Why? Serious question!

MrsKoala · 19/12/2014 12:00

Are you married? Do you have dc? If not then i may not bother with the above and just end it if it wasn't working - for whatever reason.

MoRaw · 19/12/2014 12:10

Agree with much of what Koala said. In particular, keep a log of every instance of illness. Demand he sees a doctor as such regular bouts of illnesses are not normal. If he refuses to see a doctor or refuses to acknowledge that this is highly unusual, then make it clear that if there is no medical grounds for this behaviour then you can no longer put up with it.

Is he a hypochondriac?

victoria401 · 19/12/2014 12:48

I sympathise, my dh is very much like this!

PlummyBrummy · 19/12/2014 13:25

We had a similar sort of problem with DH's Stepmum. His dad has to take time off every time to look after her, often conveniently at times when we were all looking forward to going out or meeting up for a drink, etc (also he had to take time off from the family business). We started marking the 'illnesses' down on a calendar until we could show him it was virtually every 2-3 weeks and he might have to be a little more forthright in leaving the house or he'd be walled up in there forever.

perfectlyincapable · 19/12/2014 13:33

I could have written this a few months ago... I put up with it for 3.5 years and nothing changed so I threw him out, best thing I ever done.
life is so much easier without having to stress about him magically being ill again the moment something needs doing and without him lazing around moaning I get stuff done a lot quicker and less to clean up after.

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