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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP is "ill" again - FFS

75 replies

SantasHerIndoors · 19/12/2014 11:01

Becoming so disillusioned with our entire relationship. Ever since we've been together DP has this odd habit of becoming "ill" every time something needs doing/we're busy/I've been looking forward to something.

The regular one is the weekends ... he's fine all week but you can guarantee that as soon as Friday hits he suddenly feels 'off' - cue moangy bastard for the entire weekend. In the end I just started working weekends, no point in looking forward to them anymore so may as well get paid for the fuckers.

Getting close to a holiday ... DP comes over all "ill" meaning all planning/organizing etc is left to me.

Now this week has just been horrendous, we BOTH work yet as it's christmas next week and we have shit loads to do, DP is "ill" and so it's been left to me to make dinner every night, clean the kitchen, wash, dry and iron everyones clothes, get all the christmas shopping in, wrap presents ... all the while he's been "ill".

Funnily enough he feels a bit better today (now that everything is done) and he will do as it's his works night out tonight, miracle recovery needed. Considering he couldn't move off the bed yesterday he'll need a bloody miracle to be able to pub crawl around town tonight but he'll make it. And then he'll have a hangover tomorrow and his illness will return ... as it's a busy weekend and we have shit loads to do.

I'm fucking sick of it.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 19/12/2014 18:02

Are the kids both of yours, or just yours?

How long have you been together.

Not that either of those really matter I don't suppose, as I'd be getting rid. Life's hard enough without this kind of shit.

Stealthpolarbear · 19/12/2014 18:05

"Add message | Report | Message poster SageSeymour Fri 19-Dec-14 13:57:12
Make him sleep in the Box room?"

Really?

Idiotdh · 19/12/2014 18:15

Just say, today
I have had a busy week both working, and covering for yu while you have been unwell.
Tomorrow you have jobs to do. If you think you are still unwell and can't help tomorrow, then you had better stay home tonight to get yourself better before Christmas.
Darling.

However, will say, when you are dealing with lazy people, nothing works easily because they just don't want to do the work!! Simple as.

ZenNudist · 19/12/2014 18:19

The idea of having to call him out on this every time is exhausting .

You're enabling him by doing all the jobs for him. You need to decide that you're not going to do a certain thing and of it doesn't get done then tough.

I really would rather compromise Christmas than compromise my principals on this.

If he really can't pull his finger out id LTB.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 19/12/2014 18:22

What Idiotdh said. Perfect!

Sillysausage2 · 19/12/2014 18:35

What an ass!! I couldn't be dealing that shite, tell him to cop on, buck up his ideas or LTB!

OH tends to use tiredness as an excuse to not do stuff, I explained very clearly that that just means I have more to do, it's not fair and I'm not putting up with it

bumpthedoor · 19/12/2014 18:37

Mine does this if we have a row, gets into bed and says he's ill.

The problem is that these men really believe it themselves, it's difficult to respect anyone who behaves so pathetically. Strange how they always manage to do the things they fancy doing.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/12/2014 18:47

Oh Sage, what a great idea! Been a while since anyone suggested that.

80schild · 19/12/2014 18:57

I think if he has been sick, particularly as sick as he has been he should not go on the pub crawl - it would only cause a relapse and make him feel ill again. If he does go, you then have ammunition.

Suzannewithaplan · 19/12/2014 19:10

I think MrsKoala is spot on with her post about confusing ill with tired.

I think I'd be inclined to suggest that he is obviously a very delicate soul who lacks the constitution for pub crawls and whatever other activities he wants to partake of...make it clear that you wont help him in any way shape or form if he does these things.
Also when he is ill feed him very little food, or perhaps very plain boring food because he is an invalid and it is important not to over tax his digestive system.

in short make sure that if he behaves pathetically he gets to live a boring limited and pathetic life

JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe · 19/12/2014 19:13

Hmmm, yes. He's copping out of the things he doesn't like and everyone else is piking up the slack.

I would perch kindly on his sick bed and point out some of the more notable times he's been too ill to do something and remind him that you work weekends because it's pointless taking them off, and ask him if he sees any sort of pattern emerging?

Particularly this recovery for the work party. I would then tell him all the things that need doing this weekeNd and tell him that if he feels well enough to party then you expect him to be well enough to do all the w/e jobs.

Actually, I probably would have run out of patience some time ago, and told him I needed to re-evaluate the relationship as there's so little fun in it for me.

Suzannewithaplan · 19/12/2014 19:23

I would keep a spread sheet with graphs, if the graphs indicate that he is just getting worse over time then really have a think about whats in it for you.

Maybe list his good points and give them a score, add it all up (in a separate spreadsheet) and calculate his exact utility

Shardlakelover · 20/12/2014 07:27

OP - does he have any good points? If not, why are you with him? Out of interest, did his parents enable his behaviour when he was younger?

ohlittlepea · 20/12/2014 07:38

Sounds like depression/anxiety avoidance behaviour. Very unfair on you though. Hope he goes to the gp. This is also a crap way to show the kids how to deal with stressful situations and how to treat others in relationships xxx

tigermoll · 20/12/2014 07:54

the bit I find most worrying is when the OP says:

becoming "ill" every time something needs doing/we're busy/I've been looking forward to something

That is the bit that makes it sound more like manipulation than genuine social anxiety/depression.

Shardlakelover · 20/12/2014 08:09

I think the timings of his "illness" are a little too coincidental to be depression. I think he is just a lazy fucker.

MinceSpy · 20/12/2014 08:15

OP did he go to his works do?

Flambola · 20/12/2014 08:30

What a lazy twat. Tell him to get off his arse and do some fucking chores.

AwkwardSquad · 20/12/2014 09:34

If it was depression/anxiety avoidance behaviour, he wouldn't be going out to the works do or to other stuff that he personally enjoys. Sounds like idle bastard behaviour to me.

TooManyNames · 20/12/2014 10:55

My DH is v similar... But, we've been together 12 years and he's the father of my child so it's not as easy as... Walk out! I understand your frustration. Sadly don't know what to recommend but know he's not the only DP out there who does this.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 20/12/2014 11:00

Did he go out last night? Is he still "ill" today?

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 11:03

Does the 'being ill at weekends' only happen when the weekend plans involve something enjoyable for the OP and the kids? And is there a miraculous recovery if planned activities are stuff the man wants to do/stuff he is going to do without OP and kids along.
I would put him out TBH, he doesn't sound worth keeping and this level of selfishness is soul-destroying to live with.

travailtotravel · 20/12/2014 11:30

Tonight you are going out with a friend - as he is ill he can't possibly want to go out and make it worse so he can look after the DD's/cat.

You give him a list of things to do. And don't do them. If the list says Get Turkey for Xmas, he has to do it. And if he doesn't come Xmas there will be what ... no turkey. Drastic, but point made.

Hatespiders · 20/12/2014 12:13

There's only one word you need to say to this chap and it will change your life, trust me.

It's "Cheerio!"

StackladysMorphicResonator · 20/12/2014 17:15

I bloody hate it when the OP doesn't come back to update!

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