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Original poster

DP is "ill" again - FFS

75 replies

SantasHerIndoors · 19/12/2014 11:01

Becoming so disillusioned with our entire relationship. Ever since we've been together DP has this odd habit of becoming "ill" every time something needs doing/we're busy/I've been looking forward to something.

The regular one is the weekends ... he's fine all week but you can guarantee that as soon as Friday hits he suddenly feels 'off' - cue moangy bastard for the entire weekend. In the end I just started working weekends, no point in looking forward to them anymore so may as well get paid for the fuckers.

Getting close to a holiday ... DP comes over all "ill" meaning all planning/organizing etc is left to me.

Now this week has just been horrendous, we BOTH work yet as it's christmas next week and we have shit loads to do, DP is "ill" and so it's been left to me to make dinner every night, clean the kitchen, wash, dry and iron everyones clothes, get all the christmas shopping in, wrap presents ... all the while he's been "ill".

Funnily enough he feels a bit better today (now that everything is done) and he will do as it's his works night out tonight, miracle recovery needed. Considering he couldn't move off the bed yesterday he'll need a bloody miracle to be able to pub crawl around town tonight but he'll make it. And then he'll have a hangover tomorrow and his illness will return ... as it's a busy weekend and we have shit loads to do.

I'm fucking sick of it.

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 19/12/2014 13:33

I suspect this is an ingrained habit that's been tolerated for too long and by too many people. I say this because I had an ex-partner who had form for doing similar. Any important occasion was disrupted by "illness" or indeed, a series of bizarre "accidents" that were often difficult to disprove but were rarely observed. It turned out that he'd been pulling the same tricks since primary school and was notable for spoiling school outings by having a series of similarly odd incidents that required medical attention but never result in an observable injury.

I did keep a list of occurrences like a pp and there was a pattern. However, he refused to accept that there was a problem or that going to the doctor might be advisable.

I'd like to offer a hopeful outcome but to be honest, it is incredibly hard to get through to people who have learned to use "illness" as an avoidance tactic.

If you know that he really isn't genuinely poorly then I'd also second the principle of making being ill a much less favoured condition than being well.

SageSeymour · 19/12/2014 13:57

Make him sleep in the Box room?

SorchaN · 19/12/2014 14:12

I agree with posters who have said it could be depression and that he should see a doctor. You can't go on like this: he needs to get help or get moving. By the way, people with depression often don't recognise that they're depressed, so either way you'll probably encounter some resistance: be gentle but firm. Good luck!

Mammanat222 · 19/12/2014 14:23

How long have you been together and how often has he been ill? Is it really every weekend?

I can't figure out if he's actually just prone to being ill / he's a hypochondriac / he's a lazy fucker. Not that it actually matters as you sound thoroughly miserable with the man OP so my suggestion is cut your losses.

oswellkettleblack · 19/12/2014 14:29

I would leave. What a knobber. Lazy. Depressed, my arse. Why do you put up with this?

Whatisaweekend · 19/12/2014 14:48

How long have you been together? Any children together?

I had a boyfriend exactly like this - ditched his sorry ass in under 6 months. Couldn't stand the whiney, lazy mummy's boy a moment longer, always claiming to be ill when something came along that he didnt want to do. SO annoying!!

Shardlakelover · 19/12/2014 14:50

Assuming you don't have kids, I would run like the wind and never look back. He sounds like a massive PITA.

ouryve · 19/12/2014 14:52

Don't ever have kids with this man. You'll have to do absolutely everything, even when you're so ill oyu can barely stand.

kittycatz · 19/12/2014 15:11

My ex was like this. I kicked him out in the end. Ridiculous man. Every time I asked him to do anything he would say he was ill or say "I'm not feeling very happy at the moment" in a whingy voice. Yeah well neither am I when I have to do household jobs.
It took me a while to notice the "coincidence" of the illness or "depression" occurring exactly at the moment he didn't want/couldn't be bothered to do something. Good riddance.
Get rid of yours too.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/12/2014 15:14

He's been off work ill all week and he's going to show up to the Christmas party? Way to piss off your boss and all your colleagues who've picked up the slack.

Or he's wallowed on the sofa every evening expecting to be waited on? Give him a list to do his share and dump his sorry ass if it doesn't get done. Don't be a martyr

YouTheCat · 19/12/2014 15:17

Do nothing more for him. Not a single thing.

And when he is wallowing in his hangover tomorrow, after his miraculous recovery tonight, make sure you sing Christmas songs very loudly and make as much noise as possible.

If he won't discuss what a lazy twat he is in a reasonable manner and start getting on with things, leave him. Life is too short to waste.

furcoatbigknickers · 19/12/2014 15:17

You started working weekends because of P faking illness?Shock LTB. Dump his sorry ass.

Summerisle1 · 19/12/2014 15:19

He's been off work ill all week and he's going to show up to the Christmas party? Way to piss off your boss and all your colleagues who've picked up the slack.

This. He'd go down a treat at any of my workplaces if he'd managed a recovery so miraculous that it left him able to party the night away.

I really doubt he has depression. I don't doubt that he's a lazy arse who uses "illness" as a controlling gesture that ensures he gets his own way while everyone else dances attendance on him. The friends that I've had who have suffered from depression would have loved to be able to pick and choose when they were well enough to go out and enjoy themselves. In reality, at their lowest moments, even the most enjoyable activities were too much to cope with.

furcoatbigknickers · 19/12/2014 16:22

Probably not depression as said above, I couldn't manage a night out when depression hits.

googoodolly · 19/12/2014 16:32

Sorry, but saying this "man" has depression is an insult to people who really do suffer.

He's just lazy and uses it to opt out of stuff he can't be arsed with. He doesn't want to get involved in Christmas shopping or housework or whatever so goes and lies in bed and becomes "ill."

LTB, it won't get any better.

Fairenuff · 19/12/2014 16:38

He can't go on his works night out if he was off work sick today.

PurpleSwift · 19/12/2014 16:46

I'd also tell him to go to the doctors. If he's "ill" every few weeks then it could be a sign he has a compromised immunie system and it really needs looking into. Call his bluff.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2014 16:51

That sounds like a right laugh, I can see why you stay OP.

XiCi · 19/12/2014 17:02

I agree with googoogolly. He doesn't sound depressed at all he sounds like an arsehole. I don't think it's likely he is going to change OP so you have to make a decision as to whether you can put up with this. I know I couldn't.

grumpyoldgitagain · 19/12/2014 17:08

Sounds like a right knob

LTB

Whereisegg · 19/12/2014 17:11

He really can't rock up to his works do if he's been off Shock

nicenewdusters · 19/12/2014 17:19

I've looked up his symptoms in my MN hypochondriac's handbook.

He appears to be suffering from MICS (as in "taking the....") - Miserable Irritating Controlling Syndrome.

There are a few over the counter remedies but they won't work long term. The only cure is something called LTB.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2014 17:34

DH has a touch of this. So does FIL; to the point of having the same symptoms as MIL had when she got cancer. I feel for DH as it is a combination of learnt behaviour and a way of getting attention from his narc DF.

What has worked for me, because in most other ways he is wonderful and worth not LTB, is calling him on it. If he got sick before the Xmas work was to be done, "DH sorry if you're feeling ill again. If you get better for your Xmas party I will be suspicious about this". Planning a weekend away, "don't get sick this time, like normal!". All said very unemotionally and with sympathy for his hypochondria but NOT for the illness.

Fact is, DH actually does feel ill because he thinks himself into it. He's not faking it. Holding a mirror up to it works (to a certain extent).

tiredvommachine · 19/12/2014 17:48

Not fair at all. Good luck with whatever you choose to do OP.

funnyface31 · 19/12/2014 17:51

I'm afraid I would be tempted to force an illness (upset tummy, think laxatives) just to show him what being sick really is.

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