AIBU to be pissed off with 'D'SD & give the presents to charity

[NoMorepls]

Grr am actually fuming !!

'D'SD is 21 with her own DD and partner they go away every year for Christmas to what ever relative of her partner offers to have them they are leaving tomorrow and won't be back until the new year .

She has had all week to bring DGD to see her Dad and collect Christmas presents but she hasn't bothered , she arranged to come round today and has just txt to cancel as she has too much to do so will call round after Christmas as its not as though the present is anything important anyway
She did the same last year and never bothered to turn up after Christmas or to even acknowledge her Dad , Openly sits telling her Dad what she has bought for her in-laws and her Dm & her partner (who was quickly promoted to Grandad within a year as he has money) .
She has never once brought her Dad a present even a small token gift or a bloody card and I know it shouldn't bother me but it really does as I just can't stand the lack of respect or care she has for him , but I can guarantee that if we had spare money she would be up his arse !!!!

I have just rang Dp and told him she isn't bothering to come round and he just said he isn't surprised , Also told him I'm giving Dsd present and DGD present to a local charity who will actually appreciate them .

So AIBU ???

I think Roja and Bulb have it spot on. She's not being very gracious, bit neither are you.

You say you have young children. You may find that yours are ungrateful oiks when they're 21 as well, but you will forgive them, because they are your children.

OP, if you have young children yourself, are you sure this isn't a case of wanting to push DSD and DGD out of the nest so there is more time/attention/ money for your DC? Especially at Xmas, but also just for the rest of forever. i.e. make a big fuss about this now, take presents to charity shop, bring everything to an un-needed head and give DSD cause to get the hell out of dodge to get more and more distant.

From her reluctance to see you and DP, but her comfort with ILs and DM, it looks like you've been successful in going down that road in making her uncomfortable already and are well on the way to driving a wedge between making it trickier for her and her father.

Your insistence that, no matter what, DSD is a spoilt/ungrateful money grabbing brat who deserves whatever she gets (or doesn't get) is really making it look like you just want DSD and DGD them out of the picture.

This kind of making a drama out of a small inconvenience crisis is exactly what emotionally manipulative people with their own axes to grind agendas do. People, especially fairly young people with very young children and a complicated family background do struggle at times and do things that older, wiser, more settled/secure people wouldn't do. But if you have their best interests at heart you forgive them and guide, you don't punish then and cascade the dysfunctional family crap down the generations by being vindictive to their toddler drive them away.

Alternatively, you could just lose DSD and DGD in the woods so they cannot find their way home try chilling a bit and letting DP and DSD take their own course. If DSD's childhood was as fraught as you mention (and if it was, it wasn't her fault was it), they are doing well to have a relationship at all.

I sympathise with you op. But I find it's always easier to be nice to people even if you feel they don't deserve it. Keep the presents and get your partner to contact his daughter to ask when's a good time to drop the presents off. My friend had a similar problem but she always kept the peace for the grandchild. Just be welcoming and encourage your partner to continue the relationship with love and understanding.

Try to stand back from all this - let them work their own stuff out. I expect you bought a gift for your dsgc for the purpose of giving? So just do that.

Life gets much less stressful when you let go.

What a sad situation. I've been the daughter in this situation and it was the hurt from my childhood that caused the rift. It took years to build a positive relationship with my father but I'm glad I did.

I would continue to send gifts (it is unfair on the Grandchild if you stop), but post them or give them earlier.

Maybe in the New Year, your DP can try to heal some of the damage between him and his daughter, then if nothing changes, he has tried. As long as he makes it very clear that he loves them and will always be there for them, then he has done what he can. It may well be that he needs to apologise for not being there in her teens, I don't know, but I think he should ask her.

I have no idea if you're being unreasonable, OP, you sound upset. However, this is not your business, it's your partner's business, it's his daughter. You really need to back right off and stop trying to provoke a reaction. You really need to do that because you don't want a situation, I'm sure, where you are pitted against your partner's daughter... you'd (probably) lose, even if it's a 'face saving' exercise.

you know.

my dsd is 21, in a LTR, lives in a different country. Her mum left my DH for her OM and made Dh's relationship with DSD very difficult, even more so when they left the UK.

Since she turned 18, dsd flies over to see us at least twice a year, remembers to send birthday/fathers day cards to DH and to both of our children. She also makes sure she sends presents to him and them on birthdays and christmas. we're all in constant contact via FB and text messaging, she calls me her second mom.

The OP's DSDs age is really no excuse, its about how good her relationship with her father and the OP is. Clearly, the OP's dsd isn't bothered about her dad or the OP, and therefore is never going to bother to make time.

oh and as a Stepmom, my direct advice to you OP is that your only job is to encourage their relationship, not damage it.

I appreciate you're angry.. BTDT, but really, its not about you, or your feelings, the decisions regards the presents are your DP's to make, not yours. Butt out.