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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with 'D'SD & give the presents to charity

83 replies

NoMorepls · 18/12/2014 13:45

Grr am actually fuming !!

'D'SD is 21 with her own DD and partner they go away every year for Christmas to what ever relative of her partner offers to have them they are leaving tomorrow and won't be back until the new year .

She has had all week to bring DGD to see her Dad and collect Christmas presents but she hasn't bothered , she arranged to come round today and has just txt to cancel as she has too much to do so will call round after Christmas as its not as though the present is anything important anyway Angry
She did the same last year and never bothered to turn up after Christmas or to even acknowledge her Dad , Openly sits telling her Dad what she has bought for her in-laws and her Dm & her partner (who was quickly promoted to Grandad within a year as he has money) .
She has never once brought her Dad a present even a small token gift or a bloody card and I know it shouldn't bother me but it really does as I just can't stand the lack of respect or care she has for him , but I can guarantee that if we had spare money she would be up his arse !!!!

I have just rang Dp and told him she isn't bothering to come round and he just said he isn't surprised , Also told him I'm giving Dsd present and DGD present to a local charity who will actually appreciate them .

So AIBU ???

OP posts:
Mulderandskully · 18/12/2014 15:30

I think if you're giving someone a present it's your responsibility to get it to them. I never understand why the onus would be on the receiver to collect it?

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2014 15:37

I agree jiggly, some people and that includes adult step children are not very nice. It seemas as though she is very indifferent to her father, unless he has not been good as a father, I am with the op on this one.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2014 15:38

Can be not very nice I meant

naty1 · 18/12/2014 15:42

I think the DD is very rude. Wouldnt be getting a present from me.
Maybe along the lines of she is an adult at 21. Supposedly.

The DGC would of course get one.
No real need to visit to collect though it could still be posted i assume.
But there is no way unless DAd is working 24 hrs a day that he couldnt have thought himself what his daughter and grandchild wanted.
Internet shopping
Ebay
Amazon
Tesco online
Pick something from argos book

Why cant men get presents for their own relatives, they know them best.
My DP does. It takes a couple of afternoons shopping/ browsing.
It makes it seem men are a bit selfish and dont care about their family.

Having said that op did say the DD doesnt get anything for her dad either, so not much effort all round.

If shes never happy, a cheque or vouchers makes more sense.

Neither my dad nor fil have i think ever sorted out all xmas or birthday presents. Just buying the food.

AlpacaMyBags · 18/12/2014 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gobbynorthernbird · 18/12/2014 15:50

People who are grabby/mean/spiteful are usually that way with everyone. Given that DSD gets on fine with her DM and in-laws, I wouldn't assume the problem lay there.

paxtecum · 18/12/2014 15:53

Jiggly: I don't think it's offensive to ask if the dad is a crap father.
My XH is a very crap father and grandfather but his DW sees it very differently.

He doesn't even know how old his DD is.

He makes it very clear and always has done that his new wife and DSC take priority in his life.

Macloveswill · 18/12/2014 16:16

Did your DSDs relationship turn sour when he married you (OW or jealousy or personality clash?) or has their relationship always been a struggle?

Many children, despite looking like adults, are not emotionally mature at 21. Their twenties are normally when kids start to find their feet emotionally.....already being responsible for a child when she's still a child herself, will make your DSD very vulnerable emotionally.

So be kind and hopefully she will come around eventually.

RojaGato · 18/12/2014 16:36

YABU. And emotionally destructive. And vindictive.

Whatever your relationship with DSD, DGD is entirely blameless in this and you would be using a small child as an emotional pawn.

You've also not really given enough of the background of DH and DSD's relationship, or DH and DSD current lives for us to know whether this is reasonable/understandable behaviour or bad behaviour on DSD's part.

If this suggestion is an uncharacteristic cry of frustration on your part, well consider that if you give away DGD's presents to the charity shop, it really would look like your are signing up for the local panto in the role of the wicked stepmother and I don't think you would relish playing that role to the wider family.

If you have pulled this kind of stunt before, and you have form for such grandstanding, well, I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of the reason DSD is havering about coming round. Does she know that some kind of passive aggressive/emotionally manipulative kind of ambush awaits her? Is she waiting for a time she can come round and see her dad when you aren't there?

naty1 · 18/12/2014 16:40

gobby i dont agree i think people will try to impress inlaws esp if rich and treat own family rudely.
Eventually they cant keep it up, the mask slips and then the inlaws wont like them either.

AskMeAnother · 18/12/2014 16:46

I am the DSD in your scenario and there's a fucking reason
this was my first thought, too. daughter isn't involved with her father's family but there are good reasons for that.

VodkaJelly · 18/12/2014 16:52

I have a stepson and I know exactly how you feel OP. We hardly see SS anymore (he too is 21), he never returns phone calls, arranges plans and never turns up, doesnt acknowledge his siblings birthdays, and generally has not contact with any family for months at a time. (includes his auntys, grandparents etc, not just his dad). DP has never had a birthday/christmas/fathers day card or gift for over 12 years, not even a text or facebook message.

But as soon as step sons birthday or Christmas rolls round, he suddenly appears, being the loving son/grandson/nephew till he gets his presents then vanishes again for months at a time.

We all know it happens, its actually a standing joke now.

royaldavescity · 18/12/2014 16:55

I think it's dreadful that you're giving away your DGD's present. If her mum is only 21 presumably she's only a young child? Punish your DSD if you must, but to involve the child? Horrible.

Why can't your DP visit her?

And if she's keen to spend more time with her in laws than her own dad, I'm betting there's a whole load of backstory here. I'd love to hear her side of it.

JunkBox · 18/12/2014 16:56

I am the DSD in your scenario and there's a fucking reason.

ignominious if you are in fact the dsd concerned I always say there's 2 sides to every story and as we are all speculating here as to what may or may not be the issue here, Would you like to enlighten us a little?

OTheHugeManatee · 18/12/2014 17:01

I barely see my dad. I have my reasons. There is no way in the world my stepmother would understand though Hmm

DoraGora · 18/12/2014 17:03

She's an adult.

MrsDeVere · 18/12/2014 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 18/12/2014 17:08

I can understand why you'd give away the DSD's present, but I really wouldn't dump the DGD's present as well, that's unfair, it's hardly her fault, is it?
OK, so your SD has said "it doesn't matter" which is very fucking rude of her, but it's not about her, it's about your DP giving his DGD a present. So keep hold of that one, post it if you have to.

anothernumberone · 18/12/2014 17:08

I don't think Ignominous is the actual sd just that she has a similar relationship. I also suggest that there are probably reasons why the dd and her dad have a bad relationship and who knows who is at fault for that. OP I would keep the GD present as it is certainly not her fault.

Cabbagesaregreen · 18/12/2014 17:10

Does she know he didn't have time to buy her and his grandchild any presents and he left it to you? If he can't make the effort to do that I can see why she doesn't make the effort too.

OfficerVanHarkTheHeraldAngels · 18/12/2014 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 18:18

Dsd mum left my Dp 18 years ago (ran away with her best friend) & kept my Dp at arms length & would only let Dp see her if he handed money over despite him paying Child Maintenance etc .
Dp moved to the other side of the country leaving his family & job behind so he could be a part of her life .

I do all the Christmas shopping and it doesn't bother me , I'd dread to see what Dp would get for anybody .

He did offer to take the presents round but it was never convenient enough for her & she arranged & promised Dp she would call round today & when she txt saying she couldn't I got extremely annoyed as she has done this before .

To all those saying that she is only 21 & can't be very mature , well the moment she chose to have a child she became an adult as that is/was a very mature decision to make .

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 18:19

Oh & yes she knows how hard he works which is why he doesn't have time to go Christmas shopping .

RojaGato · 18/12/2014 19:11

OP, no amount of pleading that DSD mum was unreasonable is going to make it ok that you treat DSD and especially DGD so vindictively.

The very fact that you are so wedded to the "it's all DSD's fault and I must punish her, through her small child if necessary" is just showing that you really a fair judge of the situation.

You are just making me think more and more that we don't have an accurate picture of the situation at all. If you have consistently been so "It's all DSD/DSD mum, they're the ones at fault, DP is a perfect lamb" it's no wonder DSD is not comfortable round you and DP.

YABVVU

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 18/12/2014 19:13

Could it be her DP preventing her.

Could she be at risk of EA