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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with 'D'SD & give the presents to charity

83 replies

NoMorepls · 18/12/2014 13:45

Grr am actually fuming !!

'D'SD is 21 with her own DD and partner they go away every year for Christmas to what ever relative of her partner offers to have them they are leaving tomorrow and won't be back until the new year .

She has had all week to bring DGD to see her Dad and collect Christmas presents but she hasn't bothered , she arranged to come round today and has just txt to cancel as she has too much to do so will call round after Christmas as its not as though the present is anything important anyway Angry
She did the same last year and never bothered to turn up after Christmas or to even acknowledge her Dad , Openly sits telling her Dad what she has bought for her in-laws and her Dm & her partner (who was quickly promoted to Grandad within a year as he has money) .
She has never once brought her Dad a present even a small token gift or a bloody card and I know it shouldn't bother me but it really does as I just can't stand the lack of respect or care she has for him , but I can guarantee that if we had spare money she would be up his arse !!!!

I have just rang Dp and told him she isn't bothering to come round and he just said he isn't surprised , Also told him I'm giving Dsd present and DGD present to a local charity who will actually appreciate them .

So AIBU ???

OP posts:
Macloveswill · 18/12/2014 19:18

I think you're missing the point no more. Your DSD's emotional immaturity is precisely the reason that she wasn't capable of making the 'mature' decision to have a baby.

No one is saying she isn't grown up enough to take any responsibility at all, but at 21 deserves a break, despite proven flakiness.

You haven't told us what your relationship is usually like with her, which makes it more difficult to try to understand what's going on in her head.

Whatever your relationship is like though, it's difficult to see why you'd want to also punish your GC for their mother's shortcomings. Perhaps this is a last straw scenario? You seem very bitter, but we don't know the history of what's driven you to become so bitter. Please elaborate.

Quitelikely · 18/12/2014 19:22

I think her behaviour is rude, yes.

I don't think you should stop giving gifts to her though, especially the GD.

Remember you are viewing this as a step mother so IMO you don't have the same empathy towards her as you would if she was your own.

IMO the correct way to tackle the situation would be for your dh to call her on the behaviour.

Don't invest your emotions in this, they are clearly wasted.

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 19:22

At no point have I said Dp is perfect but at least he trys to be part of her life .

I admittedly was ridiculously angry at the way Dsd was been again & I won't be giving dgd present away , but just like last year she didn't bother letting Dp drop it off in the new year or he collect it , she finally rocked up in March asking where their presents were which is what she will be doing again no doubt .

So yes I probably do sound petty but taking an hour out of her day to come round like she arranged is not asking to much when Dp wanted to give them their presents and see them before they go away .

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 19:25

We have a good relationship usually .

Her behaviour towards her Dad just infuriates me & she has openly admitted that she would bother more if he had money like her other relatives .

I just want her to give her Dad a second thought for once , guess I am asking to much

naty1 · 18/12/2014 19:26

Unless you say the he is working i will still say he has time.

Afterall its 52 weeks in between.
Or even help choose. Its like not being interested in her tastes/life if he doesnt know what she would like.
I appreciate a lot of men are like this but if he wants a close relationship.
Even if its asking her what she has purchased for dgc and is there anything specific she would like for her.
Thats what we do with gp as with the volume of toys kids have now you dont want 2 the same.
Or maybe dsd was the poster where the gps were only spending £5 on birthday presents :)
dSd is young but has responsibilities so should be polite, she probably doesnt even think he'll be upset.
Surely she has 3 sets of parents to visit that must keep her busy.
We are with just 2.
Maybe consider if the presents are something she would genuinely love/need/feel values for or are maybe something she wont use so isnt that fussed.
Not that its polite as she should be grateful anyway.

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 19:33

Dp did help in choosing the present & I know it is something that she wanted for Dgd as she had mentioned it .

In regards to the 3 sets of parents she has to see she sees her in-laws almost daily & she spent the previous weekend with her Dm & her partner .
yet can't spare an hour for her Dad Confused

Jingalingallnight · 18/12/2014 19:34

When she cancelled today, your dp could have said, no problem, I'll drop the presents round to you later so the little one can have hers before Christmas. Then get in the car and go, drop them off, come home, job done.

Of course she is going to be busy with a little one at this time of year. And she is such a young mum, give her a break!

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 19:38

She was too busy for Dp to drop them off as well , Dp has been offering all week to take them round .

I have young children as well still make dam sure I respect my parents and make time for them even if its popping in for a quick brew or something similar .

Macloveswill · 18/12/2014 19:58

The money thing sounds strange. I would have said she just enjoys the ILs and DM/DSF's company more and liked depending time with them more than with you and her Dad. I'm not sure anyone would tolerate daily visits just for the money....(and do they give her lots?) your DSD must enjoy being around them surely?

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 20:05

She doesn't seem to enjoy her in-laws company as she is always moaning about them

Quitelikely · 18/12/2014 20:09

Those who gossip to you will gossip of you.........

waithorse · 18/12/2014 20:29

I wouldn't give away the DGD gift. The DD doesn't sound very nice.

gobbynorthernbird · 18/12/2014 20:29

Anything you're not going to slag her off about? Dig at her parenting, personal hygiene, dress sense while you're at it?

Mrsjayy · 18/12/2014 20:36

My Bil preferred his inlaws to his own mum and would pop in on Christmas day to see his mum (he lived abroad) then spend the rest of Christmas with the Naice in laws
op some people are selfish and flakey and just don't see past there own nose

I would not give away presents though thats mean put the presents away and forget about it I know her dad might be upset but for whatever reason your sd doesn't want to put herself out for her dad I think you should butt out silently seethe by all means but just leave it be.

Nomorexmaspls · 18/12/2014 20:43

gobby Hmm

I'm venting not slagging off .

naty1 · 18/12/2014 20:47

I dont think theres anything else you can do then Op.
Some people are just unreliable, and dont always get better as they get older.
Just accept you see her when you see her.

gobbynorthernbird · 18/12/2014 21:06

Nomore, of course. You (not completely) get told that YABU and embellish more and more. DSD goes from being a bit of an arse to a really bad person.

OfficerVanHarkTheHeraldAngels · 18/12/2014 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlightbright1 · 18/12/2014 21:24

Perosnally I think you need to distance yourself from this one ..Yes DGD should get present.

Do they live so far away he can't say don't worry I won't stop just drop pressies in...Can I do anything to help you get ready. I know getting ready to go away with a young child for Christmas she will be very busy.

I can's see how binning the present will enhance the relationship. I am confused though he works so many hours he can't go shopping but has no money?

Mrsjayy · 18/12/2014 22:18

Post the presents wait till after the new year and just post them to her then she won't have a reason to rock up in March there is obviously something else going on and if its her resenting her dad or just acting like a spoiled brat it doesn't matter presents hanging about the house will only upset you

Bulbasaur · 18/12/2014 22:38

The things about child-parent relationships is you can't just sit back and expect your child to love you simply because you share a common strand of DNA.

They have a shitty relationship, and you can't make her want to be close to him.

DH and FIL don't get along, and it's because he was mentally abusive to DH growing up. Telling him he wished he never adopted and so on. If a person stepped in now and met FIL they would think DH was heartless to never want to help out his own father.

The point is, adults or not, he is still the one "in charge" or the authority figure and it's up to him to go to her and figure out what's wrong and try to make amends. She may not know how to approach him, or it may just be beyond repair.

That all said, giving away her Christmas gift is going to be the nail in the coffin. I'd think about how much a strained relationship is worth vs none at all. Actually, you don't even have the right to make that choice. It is on DP and what he wants out of this cruddy relationship he has with his daughter.

momb · 18/12/2014 22:45

I am often enraged by the lack of care/consideration my SDs give my DH. You need to step back OP. They still clearly have a child/parent relationship and you getting enraged will not help. You need to step away and let them do their own thing, for your own sake and that of your DP: his hurt will be exacerbated by you pointing out that he is being treated badly.
If buying the gifts on your DP's behalf helps him out then do it for that reason alone. You intervening will not help him in his relationship with his child. alas (and I know it grates) what you need to do is be smiling and welcoming and not question his or her judgement.

43percentburnt · 19/12/2014 07:20

I think there is a back story here.

You say 'the moment she chose to have a child she became an adult' . You sound very disapproving. At 21 people are still growing into adults. A 21 year old with a baby needs support. What is her partner like?

I think it's awful that you want to give the gifts away. If you don't want to buy for her so be it. Tell her father he needs to shop for her from now on. Too busy to buy two presents - yeh right! How's about he uses his day off to pop to the shop, or lunch break, if he gets neither of these then he could use the internet to buy her a gift or all night tescos! If he doesn't know what to buy them then that is a different matter, why on earth does he not know what to buy his dd and grandchild?

He can't be arsed to buy a gift she can't be arsed to pop over...

So when her mum didn't let him see his dd did he see a solicitor? ( low income individuals received legal aid back then I believe). Did he send her a card and gift every birthday, Xmas? Did he ensure maintanance was paid through the bank on the same day each month at the correct Csa rate? If mum refused gifts or cards did he store them in a box to evidence he tried? If she refused money did he save it in a bank account for dd?

It may sound harsh but I really think there is more to it than this.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 07:37

I agree- there must be a back story here.

We have an estranged father in our family, he buggered off with another women when his DD was 4 years old, didn't send so much as a christmas card when his child was growing up.
Now that DD is a beautiful women with children of her own the father wants back into her life, buys loads of christmas gifts which she refuses to accept- leaving the father in tears bleating about his rejection.

I'm not saying this is the scenario here- but juat an example of the type sitiation that could explain such behaviour.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/12/2014 07:52

One can't make a balanced judgement without knowing her side of it. However your post comes across as spiteful and vindictive on a matter which you shouldn't be interfering in.