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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this abuse? WIBU to have reported it?

99 replies

Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 11:56

I'm a home care worker and a couple of nights ago I was called out to a clients house due to somebody calling in sick.

I had never been to this clients house before but knew that he was man in his early 90's.

It was an evening call so I was just getting him into his pyjamas and putting him to bed. I managed to get him into bed etc and he held his hand out. I thought maybe he wanted my hand to grip so that he could push himself further up the bed but instead he pulled me towards him and kissed me full on the lips and had a full gripe of my breasts. I pulled back and told him it wasnt appropriate politely but firmly.

I then went out to fetch his cough medicine which he had requested I put on his bedside table. I didn't know whether this was accidental or not but his hand brushed against me 'down below' IYSWIM.

I felt completely violated and very uncomfortable. I informed my manager who told me that he had been warned before about kissing care workers. I was told that he often tries it on with new care workers to see how far he can push it.

None of us get paid enough to put up with this. I feel guilty for reporting it now as he is very elderly. Im there again tonight an completely dreading :(

OP posts:

merrychristmasyafilthyanimal · 19/12/2014 05:25

So sorry to hear your daughter is poorly op hope she makes a swift recovery.

I have been reading your thread and getting so angry and frustrated on your behalf. People can be arseholes at any age and it's shit that your employers haven't taken this issue more seriously. It's so unfair that you should feel the need to leave your job rather than your empoyers deal with the issue.

Hopefully someone in the know will be along soon to advise you of what you could do should you leave.

Have a very unmumsnetty hug from me x

AlwaysDancing1234 · 19/12/2014 05:25

Hope your DD is ok and gets well soon. You don't need the added stress of dealing with that man as well.

JessieMcJessie · 19/12/2014 05:29

I don't get how they can't send a male carer because his wife is there? Why can he be cared for by the opposite sex but not her? My gran had excellent care from a male care worker.

Bonnylassie · 19/12/2014 05:50

If you do decide to leave put this in your resignation letter and bring it up in your exit interview. HR would see all resignation letters/exit interviews as a matter of course in my company.

If you do decide to stay request they up date their lone worker risk assessment. I can't see how they can do this and send a female in alone. It will have to be a male worker or a 2:1 although that still doesn't stop the inappropriate sexual behaviour if it's two females. If your manager isn't listening to you I would approach the manager above or go straight to HR. This is just not acceptable. Hope your dd gets better soon.

FishWithABicycle · 19/12/2014 06:06

I hope your DD gets better soon.
If you're leaving anyway then you should definitely report to police - this man has committed sexual assault and your stbx-employers are complicit in this and have been negligent regarding your safety.

Hissy · 19/12/2014 08:17

your employer has a duty of care to you.

they sent you to this job knowing there was a risk of you being sexually assaulted.

i'd report his assault on you AND take action against your employer for allowing this to happen.

they should have advised you of the risk at the very least, AND sent you with back up.

take legal advice, this is unacceptable

LuisSuarezTeeth · 19/12/2014 08:54

I've been in a similar situation OP. Regardless of any other action you take, TELL your employer that you WILL NOT go again. Otherwise they will keep sending you more and more.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 19/12/2014 08:55

Put it in writing or email as well.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 19/12/2014 08:57

Oops sorry I missed the bit about your daughter - good wishes to you both

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 19/12/2014 09:23

Going to ring work this morning and drop the bombshell. Absolubtely dreading it right before Christmas as well

OP posts:

LuisSuarezTeeth · 19/12/2014 09:26

Good luck x

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 19/12/2014 09:53

I've rang them and they have said that they are going to try and sort cover 'but can't promise anything'

OP posts:

Original poster

Smileybutstressed · 19/12/2014 10:14

And now DP has started on my mum saying 'you have time to bring fruit around for DD yet you don't have time to come down and look after her or pick her up whilst I'm at work.' I don't need the bloody aggro.

Just can't see why he's starting on her! Grrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:

Madmum24 · 19/12/2014 10:15

Hope your daughter feels better soon OP.

Horrible situation, I am more disappointed in your employers laissez faire attitude towards it, I would be putting in a complaint against them too!

Do not feel that you have to go back, esp alone. You did the right thing reporting it, hope it gets sorted soon.

raltheraffe · 19/12/2014 10:37

Do not resign. You will lose all your legal rights then. Report it to the police and report your employer to the CQC. They will probably then sack you and you will get a payout, a big one. Sue them!

LuisSuarezTeeth · 19/12/2014 14:44

Just refuse to go!

Hissy · 19/12/2014 14:59

.. can't promise anything?

WTAF?

that is just not good enough. call your union NOW. call CAB and call the Police to report the assault.

I agree, before you resign get advice.

I'd be inclined to think that even if you did resign under these circumstances, you could cite constructive dismissal as you have been forced to do this to protect your own personal safety as your employer isn't going to.

disgusting.

LuluJakey1 · 19/12/2014 21:40

Is it one of these companies that has a contract for a local council? I think they are disgusting- the one who won the contract for where my mum lived in the north-east:
Paid their workers minimum wage
Only paid them for the time they spent in her flat- sould have. been 30 mins 4 x a day but was 10 - 15 mins.
They got no travelling expenses butwere expected to get. themselves between appointments- most had to buy a buss pass or just walked
Appointments could be several miles apart with just 5 or 10 mins to get from one to another.
Staff left all the time
My mum would have different people going 4 times a day
Many were foreign and barely spoke English- she was very deaf and almost blind so found that quite scarey that she did not know them and could not make them out
The standad of care could be awful. I complained constantly and they responded but I wonder what happened with people who had no one to do that for them
Some of the carers were lovely but just fed up with the way the company treated them
My mum lived in quite a remote place- not good travel links after 7 pm. They would send women alone who had to walk 2 miles to get a bus at 10.30pm at night after they had seen her.
The council despaired about it. They had a much better team of carers but werenot allowed to use them because it had to go to the cheapest bidding company so the council ones were only short term until this company couldpick up cases.
The company raked in profits which I thought was immoral, a private company making money from funding that should be spent on care for vulnerable people.

LuluJakey1 · 19/12/2014 21:44

And you should go to your union. The company has a duty of care to its employees and should not be knowingly putting you in a postion where you are likely to be going to face a sexual assault.

FannyFifer · 19/12/2014 21:49

I've worked as a nurse for many years & have been groped on many occasions, with an old frail
man as described in OP, I would be very firm that such behaviour is unacceptable, same with hitting etc.

How do you know he doesn't have any sort of dementia?

SorchaN · 19/12/2014 22:30

It's abuse and it's against the law. You should have no qualms about reporting it to the police if you wish to do so. The fact that you weren't warned in advance is shocking and your employers are morally culpable at the very least. You should never be expected to set foot in that man's house again. You might also consider seeking counselling: sexual assault can be very traumatising. Don't let your employers pressure you into returning to this vile man's house.

IloveOreossx · 19/12/2014 23:30

You and other workers are at risk... I'm sorry to say this but not all elderly men are frail (my 77yr old fil can lift a tree trunk with one arm) imagine what he COULD do to you? especially given the fact he is showing these behaviors to every female careworker he has in his home. If i were you at the VERY VERY LEAST i would demand, yes demand that two of you are sent in. One male, One female. So you (or another female) can attend to his wife while he is attended to by the male. Simple. Me personally i'd call the police to get it officially logged and "On the system" To raise awareness within your workplace, to social services (as if he needs a carer they should be involved) and make sure the right authorities are contacted goodluck x

Bulbasaur · 20/12/2014 01:30

I'd make a police report. Work has evidence that this is a reoccurring thing. This isn't a company matter, it is a legal one.

Toggo · 20/12/2014 08:46

Company clearly at fault and needs reporting.

As others have said, it could be that this man is a vile sexually abusive person or it could be that his behaviour is a sign of dementia as in these cases losing sexual inhibitions and displaying inappropriate behaviour is sadly not unusual.

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