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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse? WIBU to have reported it?

99 replies

Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 11:56

I'm a home care worker and a couple of nights ago I was called out to a clients house due to somebody calling in sick.

I had never been to this clients house before but knew that he was man in his early 90's.

It was an evening call so I was just getting him into his pyjamas and putting him to bed. I managed to get him into bed etc and he held his hand out. I thought maybe he wanted my hand to grip so that he could push himself further up the bed but instead he pulled me towards him and kissed me full on the lips and had a full gripe of my breasts. I pulled back and told him it wasnt appropriate politely but firmly.

I then went out to fetch his cough medicine which he had requested I put on his bedside table. I didn't know whether this was accidental or not but his hand brushed against me 'down below' IYSWIM.

I felt completely violated and very uncomfortable. I informed my manager who told me that he had been warned before about kissing care workers. I was told that he often tries it on with new care workers to see how far he can push it.

None of us get paid enough to put up with this. I feel guilty for reporting it now as he is very elderly. Im there again tonight an completely dreading :(

OP posts:
Cherriesandapples · 18/12/2014 16:33

Is there a social worker involved. There should be.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 18/12/2014 16:42

I agree with other posters who have suggested calling the police - at the very least this will get reported and go on record that you made a complaint. If it happens again, then your employer has failed to protect you from a known sex offender, for which there may be consequences.

As well as this, the police may visit this man and caution him, which may well put a stop to future behaviour of this kind.

Ohfourfoxache · 18/12/2014 16:45

The company has said that he is like this wih all carers and that you are "not a unique case".

So they obviously know of what has happened with previous carers.

Aside from the fact that this man is utterly vile, the company are failing in its duty of care towards you.

Are they regulated by the CQC? Other professional body? I'd report to them as well as the police.

Selinasupreme · 18/12/2014 16:47

Your company needs to contact social services as this man needs a new review and definitely a male nurse

Selinasupreme · 18/12/2014 16:47

And I'm so sorry that this happened to you in a job where you are helping others, it's horrible x

raltheraffe · 18/12/2014 16:51

I used to work as a doctor on a geriatrics ward. Some forms of dementia, in particular frontal lobe dementia can cause sexually inappropriate behaviour, in fact it can be one of the first signs of the disease.

I am not condoning this type of behaviour, but it is probably a sign of brain pathology. I was physically attacked a few times by dementia patients, normally punched when I tried to take blood samples.

What has happened here is far more serious than a punch off a frail patient, it must be very distressing for you.

I think that the man's medical team need to be informed about this behaviour, as it is probably dementia and it may not be appropriate for him to be cared for in the community. He may need more support in an EMI unit.

It would be a good idea to involve the police, even if you do not press charges, as other care workers are at risk.

MumsyFoxy · 18/12/2014 16:52

He has sexually assaulted you.

raltheraffe · 18/12/2014 16:55

You do not state in the OP whether you were alone on this visit or accompanied by a fellow care worker. If you were sent to the house alone, with the care company already aware he was sexually assaulting young women, you have a lawsuit against them. Start by reporting the incident to the police and then contact a law firm. Do not resign from your job without legal advice as you lose rights that way.

LeftyLoony · 18/12/2014 16:56

I had this happen twice when I did your job - different clients. In my case it was complicated by the fact that both had quite severe dementia so they became a 2 handed call out and nobody was allowed to go in alone. I was well supported by my agency.

In your shoes I think I'd have called the police.

LuluJakey1 · 18/12/2014 17:02

They should be sending either a male care worker or two careworkers if they do not have a male. I think there should also be a meeting with the manager, the man, his social worker and his daughter to outline the concerns and make it clear what is expected of him and what the consequences will be if there are further incidents. It is not acceptable or excusable.

fakenamefornow · 18/12/2014 17:06

Can I ask OP if you are on a 0 hours contract?

If so I still think you absolutely should complain and escalate this as high as it needs to go but I would also look for another job as you might well find yourself losing this one.

ThePointyAndTheIvy · 18/12/2014 17:17

I think this man does need assessing for dementia - it is, as a PP said, perfectly possible for someone to manifest as completely 'normal' in every other way except for sexually disinhibited behaviour.

However, that does not mean you or any other carer should have to put up with it, and your company needs to protect you from what is sexual assault.

wanttosqueezeyou · 18/12/2014 17:21

you have to be firm but polite with him

WHAT?!?!! the man just assaulted you! The last thing I'd have in mind is 'polite'.

What needs to happen is that he behaves or gets male nurses or is moved elsewhere.

Don't go back.

cricketpitch · 18/12/2014 17:26

I don't think that you should have to deal with him alone - and you should have been warned. Be firm with your manager.

It should be raised as an issue anyway. Sometimes dementia causes the destruction of the part of the brain that inhibits certain behaviour - much like being drunk does. It is, as I am sure you know, not that uncommon. No excuse and NOT something that you should put up with but for everyone's sake it should be dealt with properly.

cricketpitch · 18/12/2014 17:26

X-posted - sorry - I am a slow typist

cricketpitch · 18/12/2014 17:29

I should have said - poor you OP as it must have been very distressing indeed. Care workers do a hard job and many people simply could not live without them. Sorry this happened.

tiredvommachine · 18/12/2014 17:44

Please call the police. Irrespective of whether he has the Mens Rea to make the offence of sexual assault by touching complete, it doesn't negate the fact that an offence has occurred, which needs recording under NCRS (national crime recording standards).

Ring 101 and let your local constabulary deal with it and good luck with your employers, who are bang out of order and failing to protect you.

Szeli · 18/12/2014 18:50

i'd be calling the police tbh. assult is assult, maybe a visit from the local bobby may get into his head how wrong this is

MorelliOrRanger · 18/12/2014 18:54

If he has form for this, I'm surprised they don't send a male and female career to deal with him and his wife. Horrible for you.

Tinks42 · 18/12/2014 20:28

Of course its sexual abuse. No matter how old he is.

The company you work for knows this and yes of course they should send a male carer.

I'd refuse to ever go there again and tell them exactly why.

WellnowImFucked · 18/12/2014 20:51

Police police police

If it is dementia, then you need 2 people.

IME if the behaviour is new no matter if it is verbally or sexually inappropriate the family are concerned, look for help etc.

If it's 'normal' behaviour for him, the family will have been conditioned to accept it as normal. They tend to either dismiss it or get angry.

Sexually abusive men (and women) don't stop just because they've got older, they just become sexually abusive old people.

And families /society don't like thinking of sweet looking grandad types in that manner, pervs are middle aged weird looking men don't ya know. . .

And of course being in a caring role you're even more pressured to accept this shit.

If it is dementia, his care package is not being managed correctly, if it's not dementia his care package is not being managed correctly.

Either way there needs to be 2 carers going in either 2 of you in the room with him, or one male caring to him, and a female for his wife.

You and your fellow carers surely have a case for a hostile working environment.

Please don't take this wrong, but a lot of these place play on the fact that their employees are seriously dependant on their wages, and/or don't know their rights, and/or don't have access to legal advice. They bully and threaten and play on a caring nature.

AlexD72 · 18/12/2014 21:50

What if an old man kissed you on the lips grabbed your chest and touched you down there say on a bus or in the street? It does not matter that you are getting paid and it's your job. You should not be touched or kissed. If management are aware of this then they are not protecting their staff. A man should be sent at all times. Wonder why your colleague phoned in sick? Has she been kissed/touched? Would be interesting to see just how many have been touched and haven't reported it?
Don't go back.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 22:59

Sorry all have had to take DD down to casualty. Atypical pneumonia. I've decided I'm going to have to leave. My DD is my priority and she needs to get better, I need to be there for her. I love the job but I won't be subjected to abuse

OP posts:
DetonationStation · 19/12/2014 00:45

agree with earlier posts: the agency have a responsibility to keep you fully informed about clients to ensure both yours and clients safety. If he has a history of this behaviour with new carers why the hell have they not informed any new visiting carers of this? Do they not want to fork out double rate for two carers to be present or something?

I also would take this higher and demand that this be information that all carers are made aware of if a client presents as sexually inappropriate or physically violent.

You guys do a great job and for little pay I know

Cherriesandapples · 19/12/2014 05:10

I think by leaving you do a disservice to yourself and other carers. If this man has early signs of Dementia by leaving you do a disservice to him as well. The reality of care in the community is that there are people who are a risk and risks have to be managed not avoided.

You need to e-mail to your care company again and say you should not be put in this position again, either he needs assessment for Dementia or the police should be involved.

I work in Social Care. If they contract with the local council then the Council would be very concerned about this situation from a Health & Safety point of view and a vulnerable adult point if view. His wife is at the property and may be at risk if abuse as well. If they fund the care they are vicariously liable for your safety.
If you do leave then you have a case for constructive dismissal so put your concerns in writing to the company. They will totally back down once something is in writing.