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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse? WIBU to have reported it?

99 replies

Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 11:56

I'm a home care worker and a couple of nights ago I was called out to a clients house due to somebody calling in sick.

I had never been to this clients house before but knew that he was man in his early 90's.

It was an evening call so I was just getting him into his pyjamas and putting him to bed. I managed to get him into bed etc and he held his hand out. I thought maybe he wanted my hand to grip so that he could push himself further up the bed but instead he pulled me towards him and kissed me full on the lips and had a full gripe of my breasts. I pulled back and told him it wasnt appropriate politely but firmly.

I then went out to fetch his cough medicine which he had requested I put on his bedside table. I didn't know whether this was accidental or not but his hand brushed against me 'down below' IYSWIM.

I felt completely violated and very uncomfortable. I informed my manager who told me that he had been warned before about kissing care workers. I was told that he often tries it on with new care workers to see how far he can push it.

None of us get paid enough to put up with this. I feel guilty for reporting it now as he is very elderly. Im there again tonight an completely dreading :(

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 18/12/2014 13:32

It doesn't matter why he's doing it, because of dementia or just being a horrible lech. You do not have to put up with it OP, and neither do any of your colleagues. Your company should have an absolute zero tolerance approach to this.

Good idea to send an email to your manager so you have something in writing and your reporting of it can't be denied.

Do you feel in a position to just refuse to attend that man's home alone again?

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 13:35

I went for my supervision appointment last week and mentioned again that I just didn't feel comfortable alone in this man's company. They told me that he tries to push it with all carers and that you have to be firm but polite with him.

They said that they have spoken to his daughter about his behaviour and more or less told me that he does it to everybody and I'm not a unique case

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 18/12/2014 13:40

'They told me that he tries to push it with all carers and that you have to be firm but polite with him'

Nice victim blaming Hmm

No, no, no, no, no! This is not your problem to manage. Why should be be responsible for policing someone else's behaviour? His daughter is not responsible for her father's behaviour either. You're being told to just put it up with it and this is not acceptable.

Does anyone know the legal position on this re an employee's right to work free from harassement and assault?

Gawjushun · 18/12/2014 13:40

Is your company a branch of a larger chain? Is there an HR department or head office? I doubt your immediate supervisors are going to do much, so you need to escalate it. The fact they admit he has done this to others is appalling. If you stop going, then he may try it on with someone else and do something much worse.

VitalStollenFix · 18/12/2014 13:41

firm but polite? bugger that.

You need to point out to your company that they have a legal duty of care to you that they are currently failing in!

There is all sorts of legislation on lone working. Your employers are letting you down here.

And yes, report him to the police if he assaults you again. If your employers won't do anything, what else are you to do?

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 13:45

Yes they are a big national company. They charge extortionately and we get paid 1/4 of what they charge.

I only reported it in the first place because I was worried that he would do that or something worse to someone else

OP posts:
YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 18/12/2014 14:00

If someone burgled your house, or mugged you etc, would you wait until they did it again before reporting it the police?

It's sexual assault.

Gawjushun · 18/12/2014 14:08

If they're a big national company then definitely go over your manager's head. They should have some sort of HR advice line, or you could find out the details for your area manager to report it. Hopefully this will spur them into action.

VitalStollenFix · 18/12/2014 14:09

You may even find your employers have some liability here. Check it out.

If you can tell them that they are acting unlawfully in some way, or otherwise failing, then perhaps they will act.

here

here

Altinkum · 18/12/2014 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/12/2014 14:12

I'd actually repost this in employment to find out what your rights are - I'm almost 100% sure your employers can't send you into this situation. They either need to provide a male carer (which I read that they won't) or two carers (passing the cost on to whoever pays) or they need to refuse to provide care on the basis they can't guarantee their staff's safety.

I think you should email your supervisor (so it's in writing) reiterating the comments you made in your supervision and saying you won't be doing this visit tonight unless they find a colleague to accompany you and that you want a meeting to discuss what's going to be done about it.

viruswithhold · 18/12/2014 14:18

Refuse to go in on your own op, I would be putting all this in writing to the boss. This is unacceptable behaviour. who ever you work for should be taking it seriously. Your safety comes first!

PlumpingUpPartridge · 18/12/2014 14:26

Off topic op, but I'm SURE I have read this opening post before (as in, months ago).

Have you posted about anything like this before?

His behaviour was obviously not approriate btw.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 14:30

I feel slightly as though I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. He was in bed and I don't think he would be capable of a serious sexual assault. He is obviously capable of a minor assault though.

He was friends with my grandad unbeknown to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 18/12/2014 14:33

No this is the first time I've posted as it only happened a couple of days ago. I only joined MN about a week ago.

None of the other MN I care for use their fragility as an excuse to fondle women. They are completely respectful and grateful for the help that they receive. I'm sure they would never dream of jeopardising the opportunity to live in their own homes for as long as possible.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 18/12/2014 14:44

OP, what he did has left you feeling horrified and physically sick. That is an entirely appropriate response. Trust your instinct and your gut feeling. This was a very serious thing to happen and you should not be expected to put up with it. 'Just' being groped is a sexual assault and whether he would be capable of worse is neither her nor there.

Your manager seems to want you to shrug it off as one of those things that happen. This is wrong. Every poster on this thread has validated how you feel. No one has told you to get over it. Far from it. His behaviour is not acceptable, regardless of his age or anything else.

originalusernamefail · 18/12/2014 14:47

I work as a hospital nurse and it's amazing how many elderly "gents" "help themselves up" using my breasts or arse. It's just not acceptable and your company should be taking steps to sort this issue, removing him from the books if necessary.

They should be sending two cares either a male for him and a female for his wife or a team where one can chaperone/ support the other.

I would seriously consider a meeting with your bosses explaining you don't feel safe and supported and either they sort it out or you take it higher.

GraysAnalogy · 18/12/2014 14:52

oh smiley :( I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and that you aren't being properly supported.

People, like your manager, have this idea that it can be shrugged off because 'theyre old and don't know any better' which is ageist for one and gives people like him the give go to carry on trying their luck. It is not pleasant and not something you should have to put up with.

I would be making a formal complaint, you and other co-workers need to be protected from this.

AlwaysLurking38 · 18/12/2014 14:52

I'd ring the police & I'd ring them now. This was a sexual assault. The way your work has reacted is disgusting.

Cherriesandapples · 18/12/2014 14:53

Yes, I agree with 2 workers or male workers for him. As OP clearly says he hasn't got Dementia so then he is a sex offender. Get in touch with the police, it is a crime. Op's work clearly knew about this so they need to support OP or frankly I would be looking at legal action against them.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 18/12/2014 14:57

Ask for a second carer to be present

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 18/12/2014 14:57

Or his DD

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 18/12/2014 14:58

Also agree with calling the police

Cherriesandapples · 18/12/2014 16:07

It is inappropriate for that second person to be his daughter. She is not an independent witness. He may have abused her. Who knows but unacceptable given the circumstances.

Dipankrispaneven · 18/12/2014 16:12

Is it one of those organisations that franchises out local branches? If so I suspect your manager is only worrying about his finances and not your welfare, so definitely go over his head. If the family is paying privately, they need to be told that unless this man behaves they will either have to have male carers and his wife will have to put up with that, or they will have to pay for two carers.

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