Stressed parents, badly behaved kids? Best behaved kids you know, what are he parents like?

[indiana7]

From going to playgroups etc, I have noticed that parents who appear to genuinely enjoy & interact with their kids have much better behaved kids. Its the parents who are constantly bickering & reprimanding their kids over every little thing that have the unhappier, crazier kids.
I commented to one mom about how her kids were so well behaved & she replied kids are kids so she expected a bit of bad behavious. Do some parents just expect too much from their toddlers(me included) & when they don't comply our reactions just make the behavious worse by trying to micromange?

Yeap, my little darling could be the perfect child for months on end and then oh so gradually turn into a monster, again for months on end until she got on track again.

Worst behaved kids I've come across have really laid back parents that come across as if they don't give a shit tbh.

I think kids pretty much copy the examples they are exposed to

We don't do punishments or rewards. We model consistently kind and respectful behaviour and our children follow suit. They're 5, 4, and 2 and are the kindest and most considerate of all of the children we see. They're probably not 'well behaved' by most parent's standards - but I don't equate doing as you're told with being a good person, so it doesn't bother me.

We home-ed and see a lot of parenting in action at groups etc. The 'gentle' parents have the kindest and happiest children. The nit-pickers and punishers invariably have children with some degree of neuroticism, which often manifests itself in unsociable behaviour.

All children/people are naughty sometimes; but only some children/people are nasty.

Mmm I expected my children to do as they were told. Don't fancy picking up any of my children off the road.

No idea what gentle parenting is really. Suspect just another daft label.

Ours youngest is 15 now. Our 4 had tons of love and fun but boundaries and if we told them this was the way it was going to be then that was that.

I see now contemporaries of my children who ran riot as toddlers now running riot as teens. Scary and dangerous.

Don't get me wrong ours were in no way angels and were challenging mischievous wilful toddlers and that's fine but you have to be the ones in overall control not them.

Not sure I understand children not doing as they are told as laudable. Surely that's fairly dangerous.

I agree with your last paragraph Random

in my experience the parents of super chilled super well behaved children are very docile, super laid back people.

Hate shouty! The mother on gogglebox drives me bonkers as she shouts all the time.

Hate threatening and never following through.

Hate the long drawn out punishments or wait till your father gets home.

'Gentle':

1. Having or showing a mild, kind, or tender temperament or character.

1. Moderate in action, effect, or degree; not strong or violent.

Kind of. I know really laid back, relaxed parents who have the most vile, destructive and obnoxious children, mostly because said parents don't lift a finger to set boundaries, just smile indulgently.

Yes - stressed parents make stressed, fractious children, but it can go in the other direction too!

Well violence to children is unlawful.

So gentle parenting is just fairly main stream parenting really then isn't it?

Not criticising but do get very tired of these labels like AP and Gentle etcetera. It outs do much pressure on parents to confirm to a theory and inevitably fail.

I think it depends on the personality of the dc to some extent. What works with one, doesn't with another.

If I think about my dd and her friends, most of whom I've known since they were babies, they vary massively in terms of behaviour as 9 year olds. And it really doesn't follow that the parents with a calm, measured, knowledgable approach have ended up with calm compliant dc at this age.

I do know though that if you don't have your toddlers under at least basic control you won't have your teens reined in.

No bloody. Physical violence is unlawful, but that doesn't mean that a lot of parents don't display a violence of feeling towards their children.

It's generally accepted that hypercriticism, ignoring, using sarcasm and an unpleasant tone of voice, saying things like "If you don't , I will.", domination and control, withdrawal of affection, and guilt trips, are abusive within adult relationships. But all of these behaviours are currently used as 'acceptable' parenting techniques.

Parents who use punishments and rewards aren't gentle. Punishments and rewards are a part of mainstream parenting. So mainstream parenting isn't gentle.

Lambsie i hope you/ your DC can get the help and support to stop the biting and hitting as i would think it would affect their friendships.

The most calm relaxed parents i know DD ended up pg underage. Now whether that was anything to do with parenting. Or a conflict between those parents and such a wilful child. As the other DC was fine.

Possibly you do end up with neurotic kids. Though that could be inherited personality.

You can tell them your opinion on things but cant give them the common sense to listen or follow advice. Which is in some ways more important than intelligence.
The ability to see likely/possible consequences of action which could affect your whole life
Underage sex
Smoking
Drug taking

An impossible situation when some enjoy risk taking.
Siblings are so different with same environment theres only so much parents can change/influence.

But they need to make sure the toddlers dont huet each other and model good behaviour.

Its funny DC GP are so different. dC is like my side difficult baby/toddler needs constant watching. So i just cant trust DP side babysitting. As i say like mind your hot drinks and they leave them unattended. She has a habit of pouring we are just getting over.
Yes they had several kids but each is different, time spent with them allows you to anticipate behaviour.
Now my parents dont pay 100% the attention needed, maybe because they are 70 and children were 35-40 yrs ago or maybe because DD is a bit sneaky well behaved until suddenly say tries to eat a woodlouse from under the fire, or the soap, when younger.

Naty1, he has been getting better since he started a new school who actually get him and want to try to help him find better ways of coping and communicating (he's pre verbal). Before this there was and still is for most children like him, no help.

Random I think we are just not really a gentle family. I never would have married a gentle man, I think we all start to feel like we want to throw things if everything is too calm and mild. TBH I like my kids showing a bit of spunk, they both but especially ds really like to compete and to win. You need a bit of strength in this world.

It doesn't mean it's not right for your family, but I know it wouldn't work here.

I would describe our parenting style as firm but fair. The dcs have a voice in our house which is listened to. However they know that there are some things which are absolutely set in stone(weeknight bedtime, certain chores) and others that won't be tolerated (inappropriate swearing, physical violence and destruction of property) but within that they have quite a bit of freedom and their views are always heard and considered. Heated debate yes, gentle no.

Everyone, especially his teachers, consistently tell me how well behaved he is, how caring and considerate he is and how hard he works at everything!! I have no idea what i've done to get such a good kid! We have a fairly hectic home life - i'm a single parent and he spends a lot of time in breakfast/after school clubs or with my mom/nan. I am stressed quite a lot thanks to a stressful job and suffer from graves disease so my level of parenting is not always consistant, but somehow i've ended up with an angel. Don't get me wrong he can be cheeky sometimes but rarely naughty and never nasty.