Stressed parents, badly behaved kids? Best behaved kids you know, what are he parents like?

[indiana7]

From going to playgroups etc, I have noticed that parents who appear to genuinely enjoy & interact with their kids have much better behaved kids. Its the parents who are constantly bickering & reprimanding their kids over every little thing that have the unhappier, crazier kids.
I commented to one mom about how her kids were so well behaved & she replied kids are kids so she expected a bit of bad behavious. Do some parents just expect too much from their toddlers(me included) & when they don't comply our reactions just make the behavious worse by trying to micromange?

Elfontheshelf - I took Princess as being slightly tongue in cheek.

I think everyone has an example of a ineffectual parent that could fit all the different criterion that are regularly given.

It doesn't make it true.

I think it's good to have a bit of a sense of humour about it all. Most people are doing the best they can with the resources they've got.

We could bump into these late tantrumers as adults and they may well be the most delightful people.

Time will tell.

'The best behaved children seem to be those who have had it made very clear to them what is acceptable and what isn't. And when they have behaved in the latter way, have faced the consequences that were threatened and then carried out. So they believe their parents threats.....and very quickly,there is no need for threats'

Absolutely agree. They believe their parents and trust them, because parents follow through on what they say. I have worked with many young children who don't respond well to boundaries/rules because they simply don't believe it when an adult says 'if you do X, then Y will happen'. Children desperately need the security of knowing who is in charge and that it's not them!

And its very true that calm does not equal drippy or ineffectual. A calm parent gives the impression of being in charge, knowing what is acceptable and not acceptable, and being able to respond to behaviour accordingly. This is very reassuring for children, even though they may challenge it at times.

Very good point OP about the behavior of children whose parents spend time with them and enjoy spending time with them. This is quite a rare thing to see in my line of work

HatesSpiders: 'When I was a teacher, I noticed that the few members of staff that were always shouting and bawling at their classes had very badly-behaved pupils. And the best-behaved had calm, even-voiced teachers.'

Definitely. DS (15) said yesterday, 'Mr Hodson has such a lovely calming voice when we're all mega-stressed.'

I need to channel my inner Mr Hodson.

Elizabeth22, I have both as well (autistic and NT-ish, that is). I felt guilty for years that I was floundering ineffectively with DS until I realised that his younger sibs seemed to have come pre-programmed to respond in a way that he just hadn't.

Good point up there somewhere, firm, consistent and loving. Only interacting with your child to correct them is dehumanising. You need to dish out the cuddles too and, if you think you went a bit screechy and stressed, apologise and give a brief explanation, 'mummy had a bit of a trying day today, sorry. I didn't mean to get that angry with you but isn't kind, is it?'

I think parenting can go wrong when parents are too precious about their children and/or have guilt.

For example: child much young that siblings, only child, only boy/girl in family, sibling has died, parent doesn't seem much of child (because of divorce or work) or there is some other massive upheaval in their lives. Parents almost love their children too much - they don't want to do anything to upset them and would do anything to please them. This leads to lack of punishment.

I'm aware reading my posts that I might be giving the impression that I'm a screaming banshee.

I'm actually not at all, I am very patient, it takes a lot to make me stressed or cross but having the perspective of having dc who are not compliant and having to follow through repeatedly before it would sink in that things are not going to change, I have a lot of sympathy for parents who find themselves out of their depth, get stressed and shout.

I will shout if there is danger though. If my child was about to hurt a child and I was not next to them for whatever reason, I would shout to preempt it. It tends to work as they are so shocked.

As for micromanaging- I think you have to show by example and tackle the bigger things firmly. But small things can be let go; children need a chance to sort things out themselves and practice what you've shown them and if you are always there saying "say thank you" before they've even had a chance, they won't learn to say thank you, they are just learning to only do it when they are told.

What a lot of parents forget to show their children is how to be nice about other people when they are not there. I know a mum who is as nice as can be to your face but will slag you off behind your back. Her child is exactly the same - I have never heard him say a nice word about anyone else ever, it's all insults. At home, you have to model to your child as well "isn't so and so lovely for doing that" "blah blah is such a nice person always being kind to everyone" etc. not just teach them to be nice to people's faces.

One of the best bits of parenting advice for me was from MN discussing behavior difficulties, DC kicking off, having tantrums etc - and the poster said she treated tantrums as a panic attack.

I've adapted that approach and it is fairly easy for me to remember if I start to react in a more negative way to a child kicking off. Children really aren't 'controllable' in those situations and going head to head tends to escalate the situation and lead to tears all round. Instead, I tell myself to be soothing and calming and supportive of my child and it works.

We will still deal with anything we need to after they have calmed down of course, but only when everyone is feeling calm and safe again and we can talk about it properly. By then even my 3yo will usually apologise unprompted and we can talk about what happened together.

I don't think I could say who the best behaved kids I know are - I don't know any little saints!

I will say that the worst behaved kids I've known are those whose parents did the "oh darling, please don't do that, it's not nice" thing but made no attempt whatsoever to actually stop the kid doing it.

Goodness knows my kids were no saints and I'm no perfect parent, but if I said no, then whatever was going on stopped. Instantly. If necessary because said kid was now kicking and screaming under my arm. No doesn't mean "it would be nice if that stopped", it means "it's stopping, you don't have a choice."

Do they all do it? No - some parents got lucky. But if you have a child who's a biter, it's your choice whether to say "oh they all do it" to the other parent and "don't do that again please darling" to your kid or whether to say "I'm so sorry" to the other parent and "because you bit that child we are going home" to your kid.

Elizabeth (hugs), it was news to some people we've known for over 12 years that DS is autistic. I'm not sure they believe me even now.

I don't think you should judge a parent by the behaviour of a child because even when you work really hard at it, sometimes some behaviours are difficult to stop. Ds is eight and still a hitter and biter and so needs close supervision around other children. If a parent stands by and does nothing to prevent this sort of behaviour, it is then I wouldn't be happy.

Some of the DCs I know that are best behaved when their parents are around are total terrors when their parents aren't there though. And some DCs behave far worse with their parents than elsewhere. That said, I do believe in following threats through. Also, I'm a far better and more effective parent when I'm not tired/poorly and can focus on my DCs. Not always possible though

Roundtable, are you talking about the 4 - 5 year at school? Or older, or younger than that?

Goodness knows my kids were no saints and I'm no perfect parent, but if I said no, then whatever was going on stopped. Instantly. If necessary because said kid was now kicking and screaming under my arm. No doesn't mean "it would be nice if that stopped", it means "it's stopping, you don't have a choice."

Same here. I've often had to restrain DD3 to stop her hitting someone or running into the road or throwing things and she often screamed the place down. Some of my friends think that she's more badly behaved than their children. She's not. They just let their children do these things so no need for restraint or shouting or going home early

Momie - currently 6-7 year olds.

They soon rein it in after they've had me for a bit though.

However, I've had it in Year Five and Six classes too at the start of the year. With fine handling and a firm but fair approach they'd be able to restrain themselves and think through an appropriate course of action but if I had a supply...

Unfortunately, it mainly seems to be a plaster as when these children in my past have gone to secondary school or another teacher who doesn't get them it all goes horribly wrong.

It's very sad because as someone said further up thread, in my experience children crave guidance and boundaries but it has to go hand in hand with love and affection.

Some children get one or the other or neither but I have to say most children get both. It's just different people have different limits of what is acceptable and as long as that doesn't involve hurting someone then I think that's okay.

I also have to say that living in a small country village benefits the children a great deal. (I mean all the children, not just this family) Everyone knows everyone, and it's a real community. The nursery and primary school are steps away. There's hardly any traffic and they all go to the village park/football pitch to play and let off steam. It must be so hard for children shut in high-rise flats; they must get very frustrated and penned-in.

so town kids must be badly behaved as they're 'penned in' and dont have this idealistic little village life? Sorry but what a load of wank.

I grew up in a village and my younger sister was horribly bullied by a gang of spiteful little village girls who had had such a 'perfect' life. Living in Little England doesnt automatically make good children.

I'm sorry to hear that, Bart. We must just be very lucky in our little corner of
the world.

Well one person's heaven is another person's hell, after all.

In my youngest son's year (4) there's a little boy who is understood to be troublesome. He jumps off bunk beds/raids larders unattended/tells people their houses are far smaller than his etc. His parents are both incredibly strict (no screens) and his mother brings things like radishes for a snack at rugby. They're both bankers, have a nanny, and had a baby with an unusually large gap (he was 6/7, I think, and his older sister 9).

Thanks for the reply roundtable. I was curious. I agree about the love and guidance combination. At that age it makes you wonder if something else is going on too.

Mine are much younger than that so I live in hope ...though they are currently somewhat inconsistent...when they are good they are very very good and all that (and universally adored when we go out and I am showered with compliments!) but different day different moods and I get the judging LOOKS which tell me that we are doomed and it is all my fault :)

My eldest is polite, kind and a good kid but I think that's just down to luck
DD2 is rather different.
We find that the more stressed we are the worse behaved she seems.
My children know when they have pushed boundrirs and we are not afraid to tell them off and follow through with punishment, but we do not get on at them for every little thing. I'm pretty sure I'd be sick of the sound of my own voice.