Stressed parents, badly behaved kids? Best behaved kids you know, what are he parents like?

[indiana7]

From going to playgroups etc, I have noticed that parents who appear to genuinely enjoy & interact with their kids have much better behaved kids. Its the parents who are constantly bickering & reprimanding their kids over every little thing that have the unhappier, crazier kids.
I commented to one mom about how her kids were so well behaved & she replied kids are kids so she expected a bit of bad behavious. Do some parents just expect too much from their toddlers(me included) & when they don't comply our reactions just make the behavious worse by trying to micromange?

When they were younger, I was stressed because I had four children under five and was trying to keep them all fed, safe etc. I'm not a naturally stressy person. If they misbehaved, I don't think it was because I was stressed. It might have been because they weren't getting much individual attention.

DD1 is a child that would fit the MN description of "spirited" though - if I let her she could be quite difficult to deal with (she's very much a mini-me) and I HAD to start that consistency from very early on or she would be an absolute nightmare now in the terrible twos phase she's going through (more of a threenager thing).

Two of my DC are the same Miaow I've had to be very consistent because as soon as they see a chink in my armour any bad behaviour would escalate. It's worked though because DD1 is 18 and is lovely but DD3 is still a work in progress DD2 has never really needed any kind of discipline, she's just naturally calm and co-operative.

I've got a couple of friends who let their children do whatever they want and they expect everyone to pander to them. The parents are stressed trying to do everything these kids want them to.

Interesting.

The best behaved child I know is my ds1. He is honestly the most cheerful, pleasant, easy-going little soul (everyone comments on this, its not just me). When I am stressed he is just more helpful and calm and tries to help/cheer me up.

Ds2 is much more moody (like his mum). When my mood deteriorates, his behaviour does too and we end up at loggerheads. It has taken me a long time to realise the correlation bw the two.

lambsie I agree. You can be calm and not afraid of tantrums, or you can get stressed by them or you can try to avoid them. I try for the first.

I think it's possible to acknowledge a child's feelings and still set high expectations for their behaviour. I also think trying to separate the behaviour from the child is very worthwhile.

I accept that dd is probably an easy child, though.

My friend has a lot of problems with her ds, ishe will do things like take his consoles away, saying he can have them back in a week, but then feels sorry for him being bored, so he gets them back after a few hours, her dh will often give her the silent treatment too as "kids are kids" or "the school is picking on him" and she should let him be, she knows it's not right for kids to tell teachers to fuck off, or kick their mum, or bully other children but she doesn't have the support of her dh (the pils also undermine her too) so has all but given up trying to discipline him. I think she is scared of her ds too as he is getting bigger and can overpower her now. All this makes her stressed which in turn has her running round to keep ds happy in case he kicks off as she ends up with a pissed off dh or a pissed off DS, or both, I've never seen a 9 year old have such power over family life.

dd1 is pretty much the best behaved kid I know

you can guess the next part can't you?

dd2 simply isn't.

I certainly believe in virtuous/vicious circles. If your kid is naturally placid and biddable, you're pretty relaxed and confidence in how you approach them. If your child is more challenging, then you're already stressed and anxious before you've even started interacting with them. And different children need different approaches. dd1 likes strict order and routine, so responds well to rules but is less adaptable in new situations. dd2 struggles with too many rules, but is very flexible and so is more able to behave well in new or unexpected situations.

Honestly? The worst behaved kids I know have a SAHM. I think they get sick of the sight of one another and chaos descends.

The ones who go to nursery or pre-school or a CM tend to have routines which are set by non-family members and seem keen to stick to them. Institutionalised some might say

I Nicked - it might just be that I'm more aware of it but it seems that there are more situations like that than there ever used to be.

As an aside it's, very difficult to teach a lesson when children decide to run off and hide because they've been told to stop their disruptive behaviour or start wailing and kicking things because they didn't 'win' at a game to help with their learning or still cannot share our take turns without adult intervention without fighting, crying and flouncing off.

Some children do take longer to 'get it' than others and that's fine. I wonder if parents spent less time judging other parents for doing it differently, barring abusive situations, and got on with the business of making sure that their child is socially responsible as much as possible everyone's lives would be a bit happier.

The most badly behaved children are those who have parents who excuse their bad behaviour with "oh they all do it don't they", especially after one memorable occasion when little bugger had bit my daughter and drawn blood.

To which I would invariably reply "no, my daughter doesn't". She's 8 and we've never had a tantrum, she's never pushed/bitten/hit another child.

I'm with Gertrude. Got one of each.

When I was a teacher, I noticed that the few members of staff that were always shouting and bawling at their classes had very badly-behaved pupils. And the best-behaved had calm, even-voiced teachers. I found that being firm, having rules and boundaries and insisting on them come what may worked well for me. I had many student teachers assigned to me and they always made the mistake of being chummy, inconsistent and too lax with the children. They let them do anything, had no boundaries and wound them up with too much excitement and mayhem. I had many a student in tears at the ensuing chaos.

I was always strict and firm to start with, then once standards had been established, we had no end of fun together. I think children need fun and laughter a lot and to know you're interested and care about them (and I must say I really loved my pupils and felt very affectionate towards them) They need to see you're prepared to put in effort for them. Once you have their respect and affection, they will behave very well on the whole.

I don't think calm means drippy or non-reactive. When you are calm, you are able to be more firm and think through sensible consequences instead of when you have lost it and threaten silly things (which I do when tired).

The best behaved children (and most are lovely amongst my children's friends) have calm nice parents, especially their mums, who actually like them and are just nice people anyway.

The worst behaved children I see at the moment are diva-ish girls who are used to getting a lot of attention through their dramatics and having parents who sigh a lot but don't stand firm. There is a lot of hair tossing, general princessy behaviour and also divisive social stuff- breaking friends, secrets and general nastiness. This is awful for the child as it makes them seem rather horrid but is really just a consequence of poor parenting.

I think to be honest the main factor is a stable home life and plenty of hang around time with parents.i used to work in a school and the naughtiest children were invariably those who had done long nursery hours or those from broken/blended families.

PrincessofChina, I might be anecdotal proof of that.

I have been a SAHM until fairly recently, I now work between 1 and 3 days a week. I think there's probably truth in what you say.

I was particularly keen to get back to part time work by the time my eldest dc went to school as some most sahm could get very... erm...invested In their dc school lives.

I could definitely be that person if I allowed myself.

The best behaved children seem to be those who have had it made very clear to them what is acceptable and what isn't. And when they have behaved in the latter way, have faced the consequences that were threatened and then carried out. So they believe their parents threats.....and very quickly,there is no need for threats.
Follow-through, on a consistent basis seems to make such a difference, regardless of the personality type of child.
And I have known parents with newly speaking toddlers insist on them saying please or Thankyou every time those words were needed. And by 4 they don't need reminding, but just say it without thinking. At the same time,mI know 9 year olds who still don't say please and thank you, and still their parents don't seem to notice or correct them.

None of the parents mentioned above are kill-joys or horrible disciplinarians. They just know what they expect and so do their children.

Can't bear to see an idle threat.....so clear that the children know full well it is an empty threat and then don't take a blind bit of notice.

Maybe nurseries only accept the good kids :)
Maybe the ones with sahp is because the nursery didnt suit that child. Thats what happened to us.
She just went round crying.
She was the one throwing food on the floor then eating it ergh. Wouldnt sit nicely for food. And this was only 14m old.
She has improved a lot. Im not so sure what would have happened at nursery as she was left to her own devices. Maybe they learn more patience there though

I would be concerned about a child who cant do with out game console for a week. If its a disaster they probably need it permanently removing. As they need to have other interests.
Yes i hate where parents blame the school and yet wont take any discipline so no consequences - anything fir an easy (lazy) life

just to ruin TooHasty's theory I work FT, I am a SP and my DC 7& 3 (been with CM FT and after school care etc since 8 months) are usually pretty well behaved. Certainly in "public" they are usually pretty well behaved, respectful and aware of other people I'm often complimented by other parents on their behaviour.

At home can be a slightly different story, but I find setting boundaries and being consistent the key. They never do stop nudging at those boundaries though, but I really wouldn't want them too (I don't want to grow overly compliant people).

I do talk to them about when is time for fun and being cheeky and when isn't - I don't want endless hassles and mischief at certain, mainly functional, times like getting dressed, brushing teeth, getting ready for school/bed, getting to car etc. So I will be more serious and strict at these times - and I let them know there is a job to be done.

But I can be much more relaxed/silly/accepting at other times so it all balances out. If I had to be 'fun' mum involved in endless shenanigans at bedtime every day, for example, I would be on the brink of madness.

I also let them know if I am over tired or not feeling very well - and ask them to do extra good listening, be supportive etc, and they usually get it.

I have friends who go down the "please darling sweetie do what Mummy asks" route of communicating with their DC, and their children usually respond with a blank face and then continue fighting/not listening etc.

ds is on the whole very easy and always has been

I am laid back, I am not overly firm with boundaries or consequences they are different at times depending on the situation. I feel with ds I do not have to be and now he is at an age where he has to think things through more I do not believe you need to treat all children the same but they have to understand once at school things are different

I have always tried to see things from his point of view. I remember him throwing a tantrum about not wanting to put his boots on, my friend was surprised and did not understand why I did not force them on him, I waited a few minutes and then put them on without any fuss (obviously I was able to wait time wise)

I do not always need to feel in control like some parents I sometimes do not feel totally in control but know I am when I have to be

and ds is from a broken family, long days at nursery (not everyday) as are some of his friend all very well behaved children

And I have known parents with newly speaking toddlers insist on them saying please or Thankyou every time those words were needed. And by 4 they don't need reminding, but just say it without thinking.

I am still trying to get my newly speaking toddler going with the basics, I didnt push my other DC to say and please and thank you as first words either, and now is extremely polite.

Utter Rubbish about sahms producing rude children who do not know boundaries, what an awful thing to imply. .

Although I suspect some people only have narrow social circles.

I think it's chicken and egg. The friend of mine whose parenting is the furthest from my approach has an eldest child who has autism. I know her parenting has been shaped by this and by just doing what was necessary to make life more tolerable for her eldest and coping with his needs.
If any of her other children had come first she'd probably parent quite differently.

My DS are great but I am completely sure its just luck rather than me being a marvellous parent!

Hmm not sure but there definitely does seem to be a correlation as far as I can see just from friends and family between unhappy/not very functional marriages and badly behaved/less likable children. I can think of a handful of families I know whom I always think of as models because the children are so lovely - not perfect but just happy, well behaved, obviously secure - and in all cases there's a really strong sense of a good satisfying relationship between the parents as well. But obviously not everyone is lucky enough to be in that kind of relationship.

It does make me think that if you have a good relationship it is really worth 'investing' in though, for the sake of the children as well as yourself.

The best behaved children in my friendship group get a smack when they misbehave. However, as they get a little older, they push the boundaries when with me because they know I would never smack them (or tell their parents).

The next best behaved children have firm parents who follow through on consequences.

I could say that the worst behaved children I know are the ones whose parents outsource the most childcare. Too much childcare from lenient grandparents/under-invested childminders and keyworkers maybe? Or FT parents struggling at the weekend because they don't have sole responsibility for their children enough to develop tantrum handling techniques...

But I wouldn't say that because it's a fucking rude generalisation. Would be nice if people would treat SAHP the same way.