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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to date somebody with children?

94 replies

mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 16:23

I am biting the bullet and in the NY will join a dating site.

I've been browsing a few and it seems I can stipulate whether or not I want to date somebody with children - I'm fairly sure I don't.

It just seems too complex for everybody concerned.

My friend thinks this is unreasonable - so I'll hand it over to Mumsnet

OP posts:

whois · 16/12/2014 19:47

Totally up to you, and not U.

If you date a man with children, you will never ever be the most important thing in his life. Well, not if he is a good man anyway.

I'm not sure I would want to get involved with a man who came with children. He would have to be pretty bloody dam perfect in every other way.

maggiethemagpie · 16/12/2014 19:53

I know someone who is dating a man with kids, she says she sometimes wishes it was just the two of them but you can't help who you fall in love with and he's perfect otherwise.
She doesn't have kids herself though and is too old to. I think she just feels like 'their time' at the weekend is not their time.
On another note I had a very young step mum as a child, she did not want us kids around and we knew it! It made my childhood miserable particularly as I ended up going to live with her and my dad when I was ten due to my mum's illness, she resented us for being there.

so if you don't want to end up in the role of 'evil stepmother' don't date guys with kids! (disclaimer: I know many women are wonderful stepmothers and love their stepkids)

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 20:07

I think it is a shame that not wanting to date a man with children equates to "being evil".

I would never, ever tell a child they couldn't see or be with their father. EVER!

OP posts:

campingfilth · 16/12/2014 20:25

I have a child and no way would I ever date anyone with a child again, unless they were adult children.

Far too complicated IMO

Bonsoir · 17/12/2014 09:23

I'm a stepmother and not once did I ever think "this is too complicated" because of the DSSs. Their mother is a nightmare but mostly ignored by all these days!

I cannot conceive of my family any other way and there are distinct advantages to being part of a successful blended family: by definition, your understanding of the intricacies of family dynamics is acute.

lemisscared · 17/12/2014 09:37

Bonsoir, i think you highlight there how everyone is different. I would worry that I would harbour petty resentments. I feel this way, i think, because i already have children. I can't imagine ever feeling the same about someone elses, especially as that represents a past that i wasn't involved in and a connection to another woman. That is pretty selfish of me actually but because of those reasons, i could never get involved with anyone who already had children. That is me. I see perfectly happy blended families, a friend of mine has been a blended family for the past two years and their pre-teen daughters get on like a house on fire (or so the pictures constantly posted on FB suggest - but thats another thread!). So what works for one, does not work for others.

Bonsoir · 17/12/2014 09:47

In my family it is my DP who is "resentful" of my past, not the other way round! I have to tread quite carefully sometimes, though as time goes by he gets far less anxious that I'll want to up sticks and have an adventure

RojaGato · 17/12/2014 10:16

YANBU, you are being very sensible.

i fell out with a friend who was dating a guy with a couple of kids from his previous relationship, because she said "why can't he just forget about his kids and have new family with me?" and did her best to bring that about. WTF?

Chunderella · 17/12/2014 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GritStrength · 17/12/2014 11:07

I have to say that in the OP's shoes if I was drawing up a list of my perfect man he wouldn't have kids. You could always start with no kids only and if you are getting too few responses try opening it up.

JingleBellSniffer · 17/12/2014 11:13

YANBU. I wouldn't want to either. No need to justify it.

Bonsoir · 17/12/2014 11:43

One significant advantage of a DP with DC is that you have a partner road-tested for paternity.

SoonToBeMrsB · 17/12/2014 11:47

I once went on a date with a guy I met online and he had a toddler with a woman that he hated and had slept with once, and the child had the same first and middle names as me. It was too odd for me.

This was before he missed his last train, couldn't get a bus to anywhere near his house and asked flat out if he could stay at mine because of his own mistake

WitchesGlove · 17/12/2014 11:52

Be careful- a lot of men will just lie about it anyway- scumbags

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 17/12/2014 12:03

Yes, it is difficult with OD, but it's --impossible- difficult meeting someone in RL

OP posts:

Fuckmath · 17/12/2014 12:11

YANBU and it's a bit that your friend is talking at "at your age" - 32 is pretty young on the whole and it's a normal age to still be dating and not yet settled down with children. Plenty of professional men around your age starting to think about finding someone to settle down with and don't have have kids yet. I think you'll be fine. And it is of course up to you who you want to date. FWIW I would also hesitate to date a man with children for similar reasons to you.

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 17/12/2014 12:16

Fuckmath she always does

I HOPE I meet someone nice

OP posts:

Smileybutstressed · 17/12/2014 12:52

My DP has a DD from a previous relationship. If I know them what I know now I would seriously reconsider starting up a relationship with him.

I live the bones of him but when it came to us having our own DD his ex an DD became impossible! Jealousy to some extent on both sides.

Our first baby together wasnt as special because he ha done it all before and that upset me.

You are being honest with yourself and everyone else. YANBU

NotGoingOut17 · 17/12/2014 12:56

I don't think it's unreasonable at all OP, dating can be complicated enough without worrying about the added complexities of having extra parties to consider.

When I was on online dating I would avoid men with children not because i dislike children (far from it) but because i was childless myself because i hadn't felt a strong enough desire to have my own children, therefore I wasn't ready to perhaps be in a situation where I had some responsibility to other people's.

BUT I was 28 so it wasn't a huge issue because the guys I was generally speaking to weren't Fathers anyway and I don't think my profile at the time was one that would attract Fathers - I was a young professional living in a house share.

As it turns out I met someone lovely who I am with now 2.5 years later. If we were to split up I may have a different view on men with children - my life is more settled, i have bought my 1st house since meeting DP and my desire to have children in my life is stronger.

So I guess that it depends on your stage of life.

I see that you are 32, I think at 32 there will still be plenty of men without children, particularly if you are looking within city areas. Maybe try something like my single friend that was always full of childless men.

I do think that you deserve to have the criteria you want and if yours is to have a childless man then I think you don't need to justify it to anyone. As long as you are realisic with yourself because as we get older we will find more people within our 'target pool' who have children. I think at 32 you will be fine - a lot of the guys I spoke to were early 30s and very few had children, I lived in a big city though, I know a lot of 30 somethings without kids because they've either focused on their career or enjoy having no responsibilities too much. Even if you don't live in a city if you widen your search area you will be fine.

I loved online dating if for no other reason it was really exciting to meet new and different people - I wish you lots of luck

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