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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date somebody with children?

94 replies

mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 16:23

I am biting the bullet and in the NY will join a dating site.

I've been browsing a few and it seems I can stipulate whether or not I want to date somebody with children - I'm fairly sure I don't.

It just seems too complex for everybody concerned.

My friend thinks this is unreasonable - so I'll hand it over to Mumsnet Xmas Grin

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 16/12/2014 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VacantExpression · 16/12/2014 17:14

I think you're being very sensible Tartan, you know what you are looking for and are aiming for it having thought about it in a mature way. Good for you.

I know a lovely man mid 30's who has never had a LTR or DC's and is it partly because he sounds like you and is looking for "the one"- and he isn't sinister at all!

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 17:14

She just thinks I could miss out on someone nice, I think :) it wasn't an argument or anything.

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Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 17:15

I think it happens or can happen for all sorts of reason Vacant - I'm in a similar situation and I'm not sinister! Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Leviticus · 16/12/2014 17:17

YANBU. I wouldn't like to be a stepmother either and I'm glad that DH and I were first time parents together.

needaholidaynow · 16/12/2014 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 16/12/2014 17:23

YANBU, Op. It is much simpler to be in a relationship with someone who can always put you first.

PesoPenguin · 16/12/2014 17:26

Not unreasonable at all. It's better to make that decision now than when you've got too involved with someone.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/12/2014 17:28

Before I'd had children I definitely wouldn't have a dated a man with kids. it was a complication that I would not have wanted to get involved with. If I was dating now (36 but with kids) or was over 40ish then I probably would consider it because most of the good guys would probably have at least one serious relationship and a much higher chance that they'd have kids.

In you shoes I'd probably say no kids and then see how you get on. If all the suitable guys seem to have kids you could always change your requirements.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2014 17:30

Yanbu at all, its your right not to. It's a big thing taking on somebody else kids.

TheWordFactory · 16/12/2014 17:32

YANBU.

I would certainly not have wished to have had the added complication to my relationship if it was at all avoidable.

And I'm very glad that my DC are DHs only DC.

Andrewofgg · 16/12/2014 17:32

YANBU - A lot of women and a lot of men take the same view and it's their call.

GreenEyedMonster14 · 16/12/2014 17:32

If anything ever happened to DP, I don't think if want to date anyone with kids. I also wouldn't have any more children as I think it just complicates things too much.

I don't have anything against other people having step children/families, I just don't think I'd be able to handle it, personally. I'm just being honest.

So YANBU imo.

furcoatbigknickers · 16/12/2014 17:34

I suppise Tartan the romantic in me thinks it doesn't work like that. The one might be the one regardless of sproglettsConfused i guess if you rule the fathers out though you may never know.....,

furcoatbigknickers · 16/12/2014 17:35

We had a toast on a night out to step mums as all ladies in group are sp, I toasted to thank fuck I'm not.Shock

WestEast · 16/12/2014 17:35

Not unreasonable at all. I met DP online and he has a daughter from a previous marriage. I think I got into the relationship naively, I don't have children and was undecided on if I wanted them. It was very hard work at first, there were times I wanted to walk away, but I was in love, and have fallen in love with this little girl too.
I did have thoughts around if we had children together would he love them the same, but I know now that he would do. He's proved over and over that he is a good dad and has helped me to decide that I do want children and I want them with him. In some ways I think being a step child who had a horrid relationship with a step parent has actively made me a better step mum (not compared to other step mums) because that last thing I'd want to do is become part of this child's life and reject her as I was.
Everyone is different and wants different things, just knowing what you want is difficult, and to objectively have this conversation with yourself and others is a very good thing.

LadyLuck10 · 16/12/2014 17:36

Yanbu op, you are very sensible to admit that to yourself in deciding what you want from a partner. I too wouldn't want to be with someone else who has kids. Its not for everyone and it's ok if you don't want that.

pressone · 16/12/2014 17:41

I would throw myself under a bus for my step-children if necessary BUT it is a really hard job.

You get to do all the thankless tasks of parenting - (changing vomitted on sheets in the middle of the night whilst DP is comforting his child, dealing with relationship fall outs "my best friend likes Jane better" to "my fiancé has been having an affair" (I've been a step mum for a long time!), pacing the floor because an older teen isn't home three hours past curfew and they are not picking up the phone) With all the resentment of "you are not my Mum", "she's got a Mother and it's me not you".

Be very aware of the job description before you take it on, and run a mile if you are not ready (and strong)

Preciousbane · 16/12/2014 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amy106 · 16/12/2014 17:48

YANBU. It is a personal choice. I think you are being very sensible and honest with yourself.

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 17:51

My friend doesn't have children but is in a LTR. It wasn't an argument - she was more "ooh - but at our age ... you could miss someone really good ..."

I just think it really, really isn't for me - I don't know how anyone does it to be honest.

OP posts:
ASAS · 16/12/2014 18:23

Tartanscarf - to be clear I meant if you feel this way now stick with your gut. You say you want your own children so I didn't think you were saying you'd hate a child. I think many people underestimate the impact of a man's children, I was attempting to show how round pegs and square holes can't work. I'm really sorry you have experienced this as a child and I'm especially sorry for the loss of your mum.

ASAS · 16/12/2014 18:27

Plus don't listen to folk who say things like, "At our age." No settling, you hear?!

smalltrees · 16/12/2014 18:28

When I was dating I wouldn't have considered dating a man with children for a serious relationship (for casual fun it didn't matter), even though I had a dc myself. It's a personal choice as valid as any other preference where dating is concerned. I am married now, to a DH who was single and childless when we met, and we've found that step families are very complex - blended families, with children on both sides, would be even more complicated. There is also a big financial impact to take into account, a man with non resident dc will be paying maintenance for years, and for us, DH took over as main breadwinner as his salary takes us above the child tax credit/child benefit threshold, even though my dc is not his child. Not to mention the complexities of wills and inheritances later down the line!

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 19:45

Ah thanks ASAS - I was just clarifying :)

Smalltrees the finances are very true - I am quite wealthy (in property terms) as my Dad is now also dead and I wouldn't want to have to be thinking about the complex nature of what went to "my" children and what went to "Dhs" children - horrible. Maintenance is also true!

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