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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date somebody with children?

94 replies

mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 16:23

I am biting the bullet and in the NY will join a dating site.

I've been browsing a few and it seems I can stipulate whether or not I want to date somebody with children - I'm fairly sure I don't.

It just seems too complex for everybody concerned.

My friend thinks this is unreasonable - so I'll hand it over to Mumsnet Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 16/12/2014 16:33

Of course it's not unreasonable, it's your choice.

Lunar why do you say you would "never bring a man into your children's life" if you ever separated?

MaryWestmacott · 16/12/2014 16:33

perfectly reasonable OP, and very mature to know what you can and can't deal with. Just take a look on the step-parenting board on here to see all the added complications being in a relationship with someone with children already can cause.

Yes, if you met someone through work or socially who already had DCs and you fell for them, then you could cope, but when doing on-line dating, it's easier to put in criteria about what sort of person you will meet, why not rule out people who'll have issues you do'nt want to deal with?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 16/12/2014 16:36

YANBU at all, I have 2 step-children and a baby on the way.

I love my DP and my DSC but if I was suddenly single I would never date another man with children.

lunar1 · 16/12/2014 16:39

Just personal choice tinker bell, I have a step dad and I love him very much, I had many step mums. It's not a choice I would make for my children to have a stepparent. And I wouldn't want to be a step parent.

I know if something happened between dh and I that I won't remarry or have more children. I don't judge anyone that makes different choices but it's just not for me. Probably partly due to my childhood and due to the fact that this is my second marriage.

WannaBe · 16/12/2014 16:40

it's not unreasonable even if you do have children. There's a vast difference between having your own children and becoming a stepparent to someone else's children and everything else that brings.

When me and xh split up I was of the thinking that I would rather be with someone who does have children because at least they would have that understanding of what it's like to be a parent iyswim. but as it happens dp doesn't have any children of its own and a combination of that plus the difficulties I have seen with xh being with someone with a child and combining her dd with ds etc and the pitfalls that can bring makes me think that if me and dp split up I wouldn't choose to be with someone who has children.

And you only have to look at the stepparenting boards to know that taking on someone else's children is a massive undertaking. I read a thread on there once in fact where someone asked if people knew new before getting involved if they would have and the resounding response (several hundred posts in fact) was that no, the majority wouldn't choose to get involved with someone with kids again, even though most had their own kids as well...

oswellkettleblack · 16/12/2014 16:41

When I was single and childfree, I ran a mile from dating men who had children. It was just not something for me. YANBU. Tell your friend to mind her own business.

needaholidaynow · 16/12/2014 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sendo · 16/12/2014 16:43

YANBU - your life, your choice. Children are a huge responsibility and of course you can choose not to have a relationship with someone with such commitments. My SIL has endured an emotional roller coaster in the past few years due to having a relationship with someone who is very much involved with his child's life. Being a 'good' Dad has meant that he is tied to a certain area of the country and his resources in terms of time & finance are restricted. Her life would have been less dramatic had she chosen not to date him that's for sure. And it will continue for years to come since the child is still primary aged.

lemisscared · 16/12/2014 16:43

Not unreasonable and i say that as someone whos dp isn't dd1's real dad. I would resent it i think.

Tinkerball · 16/12/2014 16:43

Thanks Lunar, just curious. My DH is step Dad to my eldest, he's now 21 and was 3 when we met, his biological Dad is dead and has always known DH as Dad. We've also got 2 other children now.

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 16:45

I do like resounding YANBUs Xmas Grin

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 16/12/2014 16:47

It's entirely your choice, and very sensible not to do so if you don't wan to be a step-parent.

One thing worth bearing in mind tho- you don't say how old you are, but once you get into a certain age bracket it's the ones with ex-wives and children that are often the better or more mature choice. If a man has got to his late thirties/forties and beyond without ever settling down and/or having a LTR, well there's often a reason for it IME.

OddBoots · 16/12/2014 16:48

YANBU, it's better to know this now rather than later on.

FluffyMcnuffy · 16/12/2014 16:49

YANBU, it wouldn't be for me either.

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 16:50

Saucy I'm 32. I know that meeting someone in that age bracket will be harder but (I'm hoping) not impossible - if it is, I honestly think I'd rather stay as I am than take on the complexities of a step family.

I think there are often reasons for men (and women) not having had LTRs but these aren't necessarily sinister.

OP posts:
rookietherednosedreindeer · 16/12/2014 16:52

YANBU, I read the step parenting pages and sometimes it seems very hard for people to reconcile being a good parent with being a good parent.

Plus if you do date someone with DCs it's likely that you will end up having to have some sort of dialogue with his ex, if they get on really well then that's a bit unnerving, but far better than the prospect of them not getting on.

spence82 · 16/12/2014 16:52

A few years ago I dated a woman who had 2 young lads. I don't have kids so it was hard when you are used to dating someone with no commitments. She was on good terms with the dc's dad and I used to feel quite bad for him. He was a lovely bloke but I felt guilty getting to spend more time with his kids than he did.

Nancy66 · 16/12/2014 16:56

I wouldn't have dated anyone with kids at your age. It won't be hard at all to find guys your own age with no kids.

would you date a divorced guy with no kids?

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 16:57

Yes, I'd be fine with that Nancy Xmas Smile

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 16/12/2014 17:02

If I didn't have dcs I wouldn't want to date someone with dcs, actually I'd rather not even though I have 4. luckily, im happily married.

The only tjings I'd say is you are closing lots of possibilities esp if yoyr over 30 and the one might just be the one with dcs

TheGirlFromIpanema · 16/12/2014 17:02

32 is no age at all, plenty of men out there in their 30's without kids (yet) imo.

Problem is the 40 odd or older ones (my age bracket for dating) that haven't had kids, or a long term relationship before. Now they are the ones to avoid!

MrsCaptainReynolds · 16/12/2014 17:03

If you are just starting out with online dating, no reason why you shouldn't start with your most ideal checklist. Just bear in mind that you might want to relax your criteria over time.

The children issue depends a lot on the age group you are looking at. You might find that looking for a man >45 (for example) without kids, means you'll predominantly find men who don't want kids, ever.

fieldfare · 16/12/2014 17:04

Ah, 32 isn't that unreasonable then, I think if you were 10 years older then it would be trickier.
I don't think your attitude is unreasonable at all. My dh had never dated someone with kids when we first got together and it took him a while to adjust.

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 16/12/2014 17:07

Furcoat I think the way I see it is that if "the one" has children then he ISN'T the "one!"

OP posts:
riverboat1 · 16/12/2014 17:08

Definitely not unreasonable. Getting involved with a man with children should not be taken lightly.

I went into it rather naively, had no idea what I was getting into when the guy I was flirting with mentioned his son. It seemed so abstract then, no one I knew had kids and it was easy to think it wasn't important.

Needless to say the following months and years were something of a shock! I did come close to walking away at one time. But that wasn't just the DC thing to be fair.

That said...now I've adjusted, I wouldn't hesitate to make the same choice again. Its worth it to be with DPDP, and he wouldn't be the same person if he wasn't a father. Plus DSS has brought a lot to my life and our relationship us getting better and better. And another good thing is that I know DP is a great dad, he's done the single parent thing so is capable and hands on. I think that stands me in good stead if I want to have children with him in the future.