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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset

23 replies

Sussex1983 · 15/12/2014 14:34

My husband and I have been married for 3 months, been together for years before that.
He had his works Christmas do on Friday and came home late and very drunk, but no later that I would expect or I would probably stay out myself.
Short version is that I use his phone the next night (calling for a takeaway) I realise that he had exchanged numbers with a female on the night out. He swears he has no recollection of doing this. My gut instinct is that he's been enjoying female attention and overstepped the flirtation mark but it hasn't gone any further than this.
AIBU to be so angry that he has done this when we are bloody newleyweds (not that it would be ok at any time but this is just insult to injury) even if he was really drunk (and clearly didn't have the memory of it, or the cunning to remove the evidence from his phone) or should I accept it as being a stupid drunken error (clearly not telling him that it's ok) and not actually cancel Christmas and sleep in the spare room for at least a week.

OP posts:
Stripeyclock · 15/12/2014 14:36

I would have been heartbroken if I was in your position.

I think he needs to take a lot of steps to undo the damage he has done here. It must have made you feel a bit insecure.

Andcake · 15/12/2014 14:51

Do you trust him - could you trust him after this? Give him hell and have a good think about what you want to do next.
I would be v upset and feel very undermined.

silverandblack · 15/12/2014 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarchEliza · 15/12/2014 14:53

I'm really confused. Do you mean you just found that he had someone (female's) number stored in his phone, or that you found flirty texts or evidence of phonecalls, emails etc?

Original poster
Sussex1983 · 15/12/2014 15:04

I saw a text from an unsaved number saying 'hi there' I checked the call log and he had called that number literally a minute before so it was clearly a case of him calling her and her texting back so they had each others numbers.
There were no other texts or calls and he is adament that he has absolutley no recollection of this person or any conversation (pretty sure he must has some memory and just doesnt want to admit it) He did text the number in front of me to ask 'who is this' they replied back straight away saying 'wrong number' Suggesting to me that whoever she was is probably hungover and now regretting the exchange too.
As I said, my gut instinct is that nothing more than an over the mark flirtation has happened, but to me that's not the point, the point is that he has done it at all.
He has always been a flirt but I have always completed trusted him not to go any further than a flirt. He keeps on pointing out that if there was anything going on then he wouldn't have kept the evidence then given me his phone to use.
It's Christmas party time, people get drunk and do or say things that they regret the next day, I understand that. I just feel so hurt and insulted that he was interested enough in someone else (albeit when drunk) to want to exchange numbers

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 15/12/2014 15:19

How do you know the person was female from that exchange?

fredfredgeorgejnr · 15/12/2014 16:27

How did you manage to look at the content of text messages phoning for a takeaway?

YABU assuming all sorts of stuff based on your snooping, rather than your discussions with your DH.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 15/12/2014 16:35

It could have been his mates playing a trick on him. It happens. He was drunk. He didn't have sex with her did he? Can see you are angry but fine poster to say they would be heartbroken is going a tad dramatic and ott.

He's been a twat but seriously have you never done a daft thing?

He doesn't seem to have crossed too much of a line but every couple has their own limits

NCIS · 15/12/2014 16:58

I have numerous male colleagues numbers on my phone and some have been added on a night out. DH also has lots of female colleagues numbers on his phone. I'm not really seeing the issue here unless there's a back story.

LonelyThisChristmas28 · 15/12/2014 17:29

Wow yabu

Are you saying he can't have female friends because "hi there" doesn't sound at all flirty to me Hmm

OfaFrenchMind · 15/12/2014 17:36

Snooping is ugly.

TimelyNameChangey · 15/12/2014 17:39

YANBU OP take no notice of the crows on here.

Is he contrite? I'd be inclined to let it go but tell him if there is EVER anything like this again, you will leave him.

WineWineWine · 15/12/2014 17:39

So you haven't actually spoken to him about it?
You've just filled in all the blanks from a few little pieces of information.
If you want your marriage to last, you need to communicate properly.

Bean89 · 15/12/2014 17:40

As pp said, I don't understand how you know it's a female?

Mariposa10 · 15/12/2014 17:40

Why did you go into his messages? If I found a message like that my first thought wouldn't be to then check his call log. Makes me think this isn't the first time you've looked through his phone?

dragdownthemoon · 15/12/2014 17:42

How do you know it was a woman? Could it have been a mis dial of his when he was drunk, they text as they had a missed call cos they didn't know who it was so didn't want to call it back? Or someone else took his phone and used it?

It happened to me when I was drunk that a man stole my phone from my bag (in front of me!) and used it to call his phone so he had my number. He text me the next day and said "hey there what kind of fun should we have then?" :-/

I honestly wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that my husband had given some girl his phone number in this scenario at all. Have you any other reason to be suspicious? I wondering why you automatically thought this of him.

Fluffyears · 15/12/2014 17:44

Erm my Dp has his female colleagues numbers and sometimes they text outside of work. I have male colleagues. Is your husband not allowed friends of opposite sex? I'm confused as to why this is an issue. IF she'd sent a text to be worried about then there would be a problem.

NorwaySpruce · 15/12/2014 17:44

You are seriously overreacting if all that's happened is two people swapping numbers.

I've got numbers for half the men I work with, but I'm notvremotely interested in them. Their numbers just might be handy one day.

I have no idea what numbers my husband has on his phone, because he's a grown adult, who doesn't need me to police his life.

Fanfeckintastic · 15/12/2014 17:45

"Snooping is ugly", yet the relationship board is filled with women who have found out their husbands are cheating by "snooping"

I think this sounds fairly innocent though OP

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 15/12/2014 18:05

I don't think this would bother me tbh.

Just forget it and move on, it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

Summerisle1 · 15/12/2014 18:09

Discounting your newly married status, does your dh have form for coming home with other women's phone numbers? And do you have any reason to suspect he'd be likely to have an affair? If not then I'd just put this down to nothing much at all. Presumably he's allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? I'd seriously avoid snooping without good cause though.

FruitCakey · 15/12/2014 18:19

I am also wondering where the evidence is to suggest it was a female?

Perhaps it was a male? An old friend or something and he had forgotten?

JammyGeorge · 15/12/2014 18:20

At my works Christmas night out a couple of years ago a bloke I work with was banging on about work stuff, project this and that. Then said he'd give me his number so I can call him if want to chat about it la la la.

I exchanged numbers to shut him up. I'd imagine my phone records would be the same as your DH's.

Nothing going on at all and never will.

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