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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to just ignore Mil for the rest of my life

100 replies

Mmolly2013 · 15/12/2014 13:05

Over the years mil and SIL have done and said some evil things to me.

Now my big issue is that mil illegal took out a catalogue in dps name after he moved in with me (so post was going to her house still). She ran up a huge debt which went unnoticed until dp saw it on his credit file, he then went ballistic and she promised she would pay the debt off in June with a claim she was getting for a car accident. June came and went she decided to get her house redecorated and then went on to go on holiday in November with SIL, obviously paid for by mil.

So now we are in December she promised debt would be paid this week with a different claim she is waiting on a cheque to clear. Now what I can't get over is that because of this we have to wait an extra 6 months to apply for a mortgage be cause you can't have any defaults on credit file.

Me and dp recently had a little baby and are currently renting (expensively) and I am so bitter about the fact my baby will be walking by the time we get our own house and I don't think this house is safe enough for a toddler, the baby will also have no bedroom until we get our own house which obviously is really inconvenient All because of mil.

She thinks I do not know about is debt but really I want to corner her an get it into her head how much she has affected a lot of things in our life. Also my dp wanted to retrain for a new career but has to put this off because we need his full income for our mortgage application so he cannot drop hours to retrain just yet.

She came up to see us the other day and I could even look at her I feel so angry an bitter about the whole situation. Especially as dp let it go on so long. I think mil is a narc as she fails to see any repercussions of her actions.

OP posts:

Snatchoo · 15/12/2014 13:53

Even if it is paid, it will still show as a default on his credit file OP, for six years.

She needs to pay it off and write a letter to the credit referencing agencies telling them it was her that ran up the debts, them they might add a notice of correction.

I would get this done urgently because you will still find it difficult to get a mortgage IMO.

YANBU at all by the way. Sounds like she is a pro with scams and the like.

dwarfrabbit · 15/12/2014 13:54

keep her out of your house and life until she has paid the debt she owes. you can tell her that via her son. If she can afford to go on holiday and have her house decorated she can afford to take money she has stolen off her child, dil and grandchild.

RonaldMcDonald · 15/12/2014 13:54

I guess the idea of making him do as he has promised has been disregarded?
Telling him he must honour his promises to you and your child

Do you actually want to get into a fight with his mother? Getting involved in this yourself will end exactly that way.
She will assume that if he felt the way you do he would have spoken to her. She will think that this is all your doing if it comes from you and not him

Make him step up. Is he worth your trouble otherwise?
A man expecting his wife to sort out his problems for him.....so that he can remain blameless by all when it kicks off

nunkspugget · 15/12/2014 13:57

Can you take over the money? If dh's wage goes straight into your account, he can tell his mummy that mean old mmolly won't let him give her any more money....he gets to stay innocent in her eyes and the money is safe! If she asks why you get 'his' money.....say something like "oh, his credit rating got so bad for some strange reason we decided to start fresh with mine".

Original poster

Mmolly2013 · 15/12/2014 13:57

Dp doesn't want me to get involved at all. He has had some bit fallouts with her over the years. But I've gave his a deadline so he will have to step up big time. He has let her away with stuff in the passed but I won't let this be the same.

Has anyone ever went nc with their mil when their dp still speaks to them

OP posts:

Original poster

Mmolly2013 · 15/12/2014 14:00

He doesn't give her any money, but also before she went on holiday she had the cheek to ask dp for a lend of money, he thinks she was testing him before she gets her next claim and she might have gave him some. She does that. He said he'll no. We don't want anything from you thanks

She's a narc isn't she.

OP posts:

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 15/12/2014 14:01

Speak to dp first before you speak to them so dp can prepare himself. And then you both 'stick' to the plan. (This has worked wonders for dp and I)

Think of all the things she could say and find a reasonable response before hand .

Prepare what you are gong to say and do not lose your temper. If you do everything is easily turned on you also there is a risk that dp will in so e small part feel like you are attacking his mother. Choose your words wisely. Nothing antagonistic or inflammatory. Just like a business meeting. Don't point the finger, the damage has already been done. You just need to focus on recouping your money

I've spent too many nights at 4am tossing and turning plotting MILs death - it's a waste of energy and good life. You just need to box clever and stay detached.

raltheraffe · 15/12/2014 14:02

I had a very similar issue with my parents. Here is my advice

ring the police, a crime has been committed and you need to log the information. If she has done this with dp she may do it again. Identity fraud is a serious crime.
once it is established that the debt is not dp's the catalogue company by law have to remove it from his credit file.

You may be wise to post this thread on moneysavingexpert as the people on there tend to be highly knowledgeable about financial matters and will give better advice than I can.

(the most important point) TELL HER TO FUCK OFF PERMANENTLY

merrymouse · 15/12/2014 14:06

I agree with Ronald - really your DP has a responsibility to you and your concern is your DP, not his mother.

Even if you go NC, if he accepts being treated like this how will things get better?

She abdicated her rights as his mother when she chose him as the victim of her crime - to say nothing of the catalogue company whose goods she is presumably using.

raltheraffe · 15/12/2014 14:07

I do not particularly like my MIL as she once conned DH out of his DLA. He went to the police who pulled CCTV from the camera on the cash point and it showed MIL withdrawing his cash (he stupidly gave her the card for safekeeping and she knew the PIN as he had asked her to get cash out before as he cannot use a cash machine as he is blind)
Police pulled MIL in and she admitted taking the cash, but said she gave it to DH and he is just being malicious. Police did not have enough to charge her as it was DH's word he was not given the cash against hers.
Although MIL is a selfish stealing cow she is not a safeguarding risk and therefore she has supervised contact with ds as we feel it is ds's best interests to know his granny. I stay out the way as much as possible but when I do see her I just act civil and keep any comments polite and succinct.

Mulderandskully · 15/12/2014 14:15

I think the only way to save the mortgage situation short term is to report her and get the debt removed from his credit file as fraud.

If she's pays it off the damage is sort of already done as I believe she's defaulted? Also depending on the level/ type of mortgage you want a lot of lenders won't want to lend at all to people who use catalogue debt because it shows poor financial organisation. They will look at 2-3 years credit records so pay it off today and you'll still be waiting until 2017/18 to buy.

Get it removed and you can buy in the new year.
To say id be fizzing is an understatement but I understand it is an incredibly difficult situation.

merrymouse · 15/12/2014 14:20

Yes - I agree that at this stage you can't solve the problem by simply paying the debt.

MaryWestmacott · 15/12/2014 14:25

Too late to just pay the debt, you aren't going to be getting a mortgage in 2016 unless your DP is prepared to call the police. Spell it out to him, he has a choice, he can protect his mother from the concequences of her actions, or he can put a roof over the head of his child. Ask him to chose, mother or child. Point out that doing nothing is chosing his mother and you will view it like that. He will not get a mortgage in 2016 unless you deal with this now.

If you have a MIL like this, then your relationship with your DP will only last long term if he's prepared to protect you and your DC from her damage. If he's not prepared to, eventually she'll break you anyway, so you might as well bring it to a head sooner.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/12/2014 14:33

YANBU to ignore her after what she's done. However, as a couple YABU for not getting this sorted sooner. There is no way I would let our family be homeless/renting due to a fraudulent credit record created by a nasty relative. Both of you need to man/woman up, get this reported, get your credit record sorted out and move on with your mortgage application. If this bad debt is seriously impacting on your life so much, you need to take action to remedy things. There's no point moaning but at the same time not doing what you can to resolve things. And if your DP won't take action against his mother, you need to question where his priorities lie. With you and your baby or her?

buddhasbelly · 15/12/2014 14:47

Trying to find the rational is someone's irrational behaviour is like trying to slam a revolving door. It'll keep going round and round and drive you insane. Sorry have no practical advice.

buddhasbelly · 15/12/2014 14:49

is should say in I need more coffee!

Original poster

Mmolly2013 · 15/12/2014 14:49

thanks for all the advice everyone im going to speak to him when he is home from work

OP posts:

WhaddayWant · 15/12/2014 15:07

Why don't you just get the post redirected?

If it's in his name then the post office will redirect it. I think they charge for the service but I'm sure it would be worth it.

I think Loans are associated with people not addresses. (Double check this though in case I'm talking shite)

Tinkerball · 15/12/2014 15:19

I would be really concerned about this and don't understand your DHs reaction at all, I know it's his Mum but this could seriously screw up life, not just with a mortgage but loads if other things to. And why did she do it, has she got a problem because does that mean all these "claims" she's talking about are dodgy to?

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 15/12/2014 15:24

ralph why is it in your ds best interests to have contact with a lying selfish stealing cow? I can never get my head around people that go NC but think it's ok to send vulnerable children round...

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 15/12/2014 15:27

[Although MIL is a selfish stealing cow she is not a safeguarding risk and therefore she has supervised contact with ds as we feel it is ds's best interests to know his granny]

His best interests to know the granny who stole from her own blind son!

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 15/12/2014 15:30

I felt like saying the baby doesn't need gifts they need a home

why didnt you say this?

Original poster

Mmolly2013 · 15/12/2014 15:43

i didnt have the balls to say it in front of everyone. sil and her child was there also. yes i know i should have just said

OP posts:

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 15/12/2014 16:07

Ok - set a date to specifically talk about the issue. This is not a casual "oh mil, you know when you ripped us of and committed fraud..we we would like you to pay it back ASAP so we can buy a house... If that's ok"

This is bloody serious. She could get arrested if she went to the police. She has stolen from your dp. You and dp need to talk about the actual seriousness of this problem and he does need to grow a back bone.

I would ring mil up and say mil can we bob round later/tomoro / next week ... We need to discuss something.

The fact that your dp is stick g his head in the sand is making this even worse. Talk to him about how serious this is. How you both are going sort this mess out. Then go and see her and SIL.

Don't be scared of these two thieves.

merrymouse · 15/12/2014 16:25

I think your DP needs to talk to his mother, not you. As the crime has been committed against him, not you, there isn't much that you can do practically. I suppose you could report her, but unless he backs up what you say you won't get very far.

Even if you do somehow win this battle for him, what will happen next time? He needs to act because she has done something wrong that is harming his son, not because you have put pressure on him.

The only real power you have is to decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship with your DP.

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