to think about giving up high flying career to look after my DCs?

[EscapeFromTheRatRace]

I have name changed for this in case I work with any Mumsnetters! I am in quite a senior role in the public sector. I am quite well paid but have to work long hours and am never really off duty. I went into this line of work with ideals about making the world a better place but as I got more senior I got further and further away from anything that benefits people to a role where I implement the short sighted policies of politicians and have to market them to the people who are still on the front line. I get no fulfilment from it, haven't had a pay increase in years and spend a large amount of my earnings on paying other women to look after my children and my house. DH works too, he has a disability which he manages well. We have two young DCs and no family support so it's all full on.

We live in London and have been very lucky that despite the area we live in not being great, the house prices have gone through the roof. Basically if we sold, we can afford to buy somewhere in a lovely town not far from the coast and have no mortgage. DH could commute to work and I could become a SAHM. We could save and plan for our future - DH is an older dad and our current mortgage is predicated on him working until he is 73, which sounds miserable and wouldn't be great for his health.

My main concerns about this are 1. Is it fair on DH - he would have a longer journey to work and would have to drive, he currently cycles which is good for his disability. He thinks he could still fit in exercise, and that the advantages outweigh this. 2. We would be further away from my best friend, who is the nearest DCs have to family. Although there is a direct train from where she lives, and it takes less time than going to the other side of London. 3. Would traditional roles of male breadwinner and female caregiver be bad for DCs? I'm not meaning to have a go at SAHMs, just thinking it through. When DCs are at school I would happily work during the day and have done some self employed work before. 4. Would I be isolated or feel dependent on DH? I have a sort of feeling that I shouldnt be financially dependent on a man, but if it works for our family?

If anyone has any experience of this, good or bad or can give me any opinions to help me think it through that would be very helpful! Thank you.

Jeremy Kyle amici nooooooo!!!! And who needs daytime TV when there is Mumsnet?

You have a point about me working and other women looking after DCs, I have not heard of any male cleaners or childminders (and probably wouldn't use them if I did). I don't think I explained myself well, I don't think I need a label, was just taking the point a PP made about this. I also think my mental health would be loads better not working. I really can't see myself getting bored, I never have. I would volunteer, get an allotment, join a choir, learn new skills, get an A level in Maths, whatever. And YY queen to pointless meetings.

I would try to think about when your DC's are teenagers - where would it be best to bring them up ?
I live in London and gave up a career to look after the DC's. I don't think my life would be any better if I worked, at least not in the field I was in. I have a time consuming challenging hobby and do some voluntary stuff.
I think teenagers need a parent around, it's not the case that they are suddenly independent at say 14 - for me parenting teens has been really tough and I am glad I am here when they come home at 4 pm from school.
I'm just saying this because as a parent I have tended to live in the present and never thought about the short / medium term future and maybe you ar the same.
Fwiw bringing up teens in London has been quite full on although they would say they love it here, never a dull moment !

I always say this on threads like this, and have had my arse roasted for it, but I doubt that anyone on their deathbed wishes they had spent more time at work.

Go for it.

I wouldn't because I think this will take too much of a toll on your dh - the fact you say he will have to work until at least 73 suggests finances will still be right even if you are mortgage free. That means no one to help with the cleaning, shopping etc and your lifestyle will have to change. As someone said upthread - it's not like multiplying your day of by 5!

You sound like you need a new job! Could you still move and look for a part time job in the new place. This would take some of the financial pressure off your dh.

Ok say this is really interesting reading for me. I gave up work when dc 1 was born and have been a SAHP since. (4 1/2 years)

I have loved absolutely loved being a SAHM, but about a year ago I started to have a bit of a panic, I think reading different view points on here, talking to my mum who is very lost/bored after not working for 40 years and seeing various friends etc to back to work, I started to panic that I'd thrown my whole career away, one for which I trained for 6 years.

Dc has just started school and that shocked me again, they are little for such a short period of time and like it or not kids cost and need a lot of money. I started thinking about how I would feel if in say 20 years time all my working friends can really help their children out with uni or a house deposit and we can't.

I spoke to a few recruitment agents and was told it will be very hard to get back in and it will have to be Full Time. I then started wishing that is just gone back to my old job on 4 days.

Anyway, luck would have it that a job share has cone up and my old firm and I've jumped at it. I'm now having a wobble about going to work but remind myself of how I felt 4 months ago. Interestingly dh is really pleased I'm going back as he feels he's not under so much pressure, but he never once said a word prior to me getting a job.

So in a nutshell really think long and hard and just try and keep your hand in somewhere doing something if you can as you may have a change of heart a few years down the line.

Don'#t do it.
Also why are you asking if you should give up work and not your husband? he is the one who has a disability and is much older so surely he's the one to stay home.

What you need is to move to the private sector on to higher pay. That will make you and the family happier, not giving up work.

you sound v fed up with your current career. Are there any options in the field or other locations (eg around where you'd like to live) that you might find better?

I guess a factor in the decision is your attitude to financial security and risk, eg reduced pension, potential for DH's having to stop working much sooner than planned for health reasons, him not liking being the sole breadwinner and/or commuting after a few years of it, or splitting up?

Exercising when lots of time is eaten up by commuting, on top of parenting and work, is v challenging IME. DH and I both make an effort to exercise for health reasons, have tried making it part of the commute etc (hard, as when you have a long commute you can't then take more time for shower and things at work), going straight from work, have tried loads of things and even super motivated DH can only manage about half as much as before we left London.

Having worked in the city and been a career achiever and now being a sahm I see where your coming from. I will say that leaving one for the other doesn't mean the end these days. You can freelance, blog, mentor, loan skills to schools and all sorts. Assuming one ceases just because you leave the office would be a mistake.

Maybe look at it bigger. For me you sound like you're narrowing choices, where I'm reading your choices and possibilities are getting wider in previously un researched areas. To me that sounds exciting.

Maybe try and see how you feel. If you hate it, you could commute. Could you do freelance / consultancy in your field? I gave up a high pressure job in London and moved out to Buckinghamshire. Less than 2 years later, I was climbing the walls and went back. I am a rubbish SAHP. These days I generally freelance. More money, more flexibility, less stress as I am outside the politics and (if I choose my contracts wisely) just as much job satisfaction.

Or ( as someone suggested above ) could you move out of London, commute and your DH be the SAHP? Mine is and it works really well. He does bits and pieces of interesting work but is not under pressure to earn money.

The number one regret so many dying people have is spending too much time at work and not enough time with their families. When I'm in a pickle, I always ask myself what I'll end up regretting the most: Sticking with option A, or giving option B a bash. It probably sounds like quite an airy fairy thing to say, but you do only get one life, and what's the point in spending it being miserable?

If moving out of London to the seaside leaves you mortgage free, then financially speaking, you're pretty set. You'll have some bills, travel and groceries to budget for, but the rest is all yours. If your husband is okay with the commute and you think you and your children will be happier with you giving up work, then go for it, OP. They grow up so quickly. Really, they do. I seem to have blinked and my daughter's already seven and a half I don't know where the time has gone.

I had my dd before I could shape a career as I had her quite young. I decided when she was still very little that I would put a career on the back burner and wait until she was older, because it felt like the right decision for us. Yes, money is kind of tight. I work a bit of a dead end job right now on a part time contract, but it fits around school hours, keeps the lovely roof over our house, food in our tummies and grants us a few nice treats every now and then. And I haven't missed a single school play or assembly

Working to pay somebody else to look after my child never felt right to me. That's not say I see it as wrong in any way, shape or form - far from it. It was simply what I felt un/comfortable with. It's a very, very personal choice and everybody has their own thoughts on the matter. Personally, I've never looked back and thought: "Damn, I wish I had done X, Y or Z and I could be in quite a senior position by now!" I think I would look back with regrets if every Christmas, my daughter excitedly asked me if I was going to see her nativity this year and once again, I had to tell her no. But that's just me.

There is so much pressure on women to 'do it all' these days, and I think it's horseshit. Do what makes you happy.

I've found this thread very helpful. Thanks for posting OP.

Don't give up your financial independence. Too many women do, and too many regret it. You have no idea what will happen in your life in the future.

I gave up a high flying career to be a SAHM. I don't regret it for one second. My children are on the brink of adulthood now and I can see the tangible results of having mothered my children so closely in the early years.

I have loved the 3.5 years I've had at home but am very glad I'm working in a job linked to my previous career now but pt. I would go ft but only for the right job. I could only leave my babies if I knew it would make me happy so benefit my family. I don't need to work ft - not because dh earns loads but it's enough to live a modest but happy life. Ft would mean more travel for holidays with dc which I would love to do with them and potentially a bigger house in a few years (3 bed house with 3dc ). You only get one life so you need to weigh up what works. Ft sahm is not for me and I have felt judged for that but there are middle grounds. Mind you I love visiting London but couldn't live there now we've moved to the west country from the south east 10 years ago.

I agree with worserevived. I think you would be crazy to give up your financial independence. A lot of marriages don't last, and women suffer from having made career choices to benefit a family unit that suddenly doesn't exist any more. There is more at stake than whether you would be bored as a SAHM, or helping the children with homework.

It does sound as if you need to make some changes, but in your position I would consider all possible options before simply quitting your career.

I gave up a very fun and glamorous job to be a SAHM on the coast mortgage free. I loved my job and I do miss the status thing, but I've no regrets. Turns out I'm a pretty shit SAHP but I love hanging out with my kids so much, I couldn't bare to go back to work when they're still small. I've totally fucked my career up but I genuinely naively think that something better will come along when the littlest DC goes to school. Only you will know whether it's the right thing for you but it's better to try, make a mistake and move on with life than o get stuck in the wrong rut IMO.

I am a civil servant- i would be able to apply for a career break, or supl, for up to five years. I am actually supposedly on supl from my last department, as there is little point resigning when there is that option! Not that i would go back to the first dept as i am now four grades higher, and wouldnt want the demotion, but nice to have a fallback.

I would be looking for some middle ground here. If you hate your job, look for something which inspires you and where you won't be run ragged. It seems rather 'all or nothing' for you to give up completely, especially as it means your dh will have more pressure and your kids, less time with him.

Seems drastic to give up totally

Have you got the option to do a career break? Regarding things like relying on DH to be the breadwinner etc, I think it's hard to know how much it is going to bother you until you've done it.

I don't think you'd be giving your DCs a bad role model or anything like that. It is difficult combining work and family, and there are more things to life than putting in 40 years of 40 hours a week. It's not a bad thing if they know that

Does it have to be high flying career or SAHM. I agree with people suggesting you get a part-time job or ask to cut your hours in a move to a different department.

i don't see it as so black and white. there's no reason why you can't give up your job, and as your children get more independent then start your own business that is flexible. you don't have to permanently step off the earning treadmill. traditional roles are getting blurred, and that's a good thing.

sounds to me like a move to the country will benefit you all. do it while your house is still valuable!

Hi,

I have been in this very position. I have had three children in five years and eventually made the decision to walk away after maternity while about four months into it. By nine months into maternity, I'd changed my mind.

I love and adore my children, and I value having time at home with them. This is also a factor for me.. but five days a week was just too much. I secured a two day consultancy role for a third sector organisation offering services similar to those I had managed in my public sector role. In reality, I also work evenings etc but it is a good balance so far.

When you're in the public sector, sometimes you get entrained to thinking that there's only one way to be employed and suckered by the benefits (pension, sick leave, maternity leave etc).. but there is always another way. You can have your cake and eat it when you have the privilege of being so qualified and experienced in one sector.

Would I give up work with a disabled DH who only works part time? Absolutely no way. I would get another job.

Does the dh only work part-time? I can't find this on the thread. That changes things. You need financial security. My impression was that he was disabled but managing it well, and working full time?