to think about giving up high flying career to look after my DCs?

[EscapeFromTheRatRace]

I have name changed for this in case I work with any Mumsnetters! I am in quite a senior role in the public sector. I am quite well paid but have to work long hours and am never really off duty. I went into this line of work with ideals about making the world a better place but as I got more senior I got further and further away from anything that benefits people to a role where I implement the short sighted policies of politicians and have to market them to the people who are still on the front line. I get no fulfilment from it, haven't had a pay increase in years and spend a large amount of my earnings on paying other women to look after my children and my house. DH works too, he has a disability which he manages well. We have two young DCs and no family support so it's all full on.

We live in London and have been very lucky that despite the area we live in not being great, the house prices have gone through the roof. Basically if we sold, we can afford to buy somewhere in a lovely town not far from the coast and have no mortgage. DH could commute to work and I could become a SAHM. We could save and plan for our future - DH is an older dad and our current mortgage is predicated on him working until he is 73, which sounds miserable and wouldn't be great for his health.

My main concerns about this are 1. Is it fair on DH - he would have a longer journey to work and would have to drive, he currently cycles which is good for his disability. He thinks he could still fit in exercise, and that the advantages outweigh this. 2. We would be further away from my best friend, who is the nearest DCs have to family. Although there is a direct train from where she lives, and it takes less time than going to the other side of London. 3. Would traditional roles of male breadwinner and female caregiver be bad for DCs? I'm not meaning to have a go at SAHMs, just thinking it through. When DCs are at school I would happily work during the day and have done some self employed work before. 4. Would I be isolated or feel dependent on DH? I have a sort of feeling that I shouldnt be financially dependent on a man, but if it works for our family?

If anyone has any experience of this, good or bad or can give me any opinions to help me think it through that would be very helpful! Thank you.

Are you sure your DH will be happy with the commute?

Because, that is the one thing that most people find excrutiating. Especially as they get older. It is boring, tiring and eats into family time.

That said, if it means your DH can retire earlier, he may be willing to make the sacrifice.

To my eyes, the key sentence in OP is ' I get no fulfilment from [my job].'

If you don't enjoy what you do for a living (or get satisfaction from doing something useful even if you don't enjoy it), and you have a chance to live in a way that doesn't involve you doing that job, I'd say take the chance. That's a general rule, if you like.

OK, now fill in your own particular circumstances.

Does it make a relevant difference that you'd be moving out of London? Probably not. Much as life in London is a bit special (I'm one of those who pines for the easy availability of galleries, museums, theatres and concerts etc.), nevertheless this kind of specialness is probably not be the be-all and end-all for life with young DCs.

Does it make a relevant difference that you'd be becoming a SAHM? Probably not. Looking after your own DCs has a lot going for it. It can be boring and tedious, and there'll certainly be times you'll wish you were out doing serious things with grown-ups rather than cleaning up shit and singing nursery rhymes; but there are also lots of compensations. As for the gender-stereotyping issue wrt to DCs, yes it's an issue, but need not be decisive; after all, it probably won't be for ever. Which is a response in itself to the SAHM thing -- believe me, those few years when your DCs are with you all day every day soon pass, albeit that they'll drag on at the time, and (especially given what your current high-flying work status says about you) you'll very likely find something appropriate to do when DCs are in school and after. What you get to do then is in the lap of the gods, of course, but it's far from impossible that you'll find something that others can point to as a part of your role-model status as a working mother to your DCs (modesty forbidding you yourself from commenting thus, of course). The same goes for DP, too; he may well find something to do that involves a smaller commute, whatever. Things happen, and not always for the worse.

Yes your DP is a problem. But he has a lot invested in all this too. It is indeed a sadness to miss so much of children growing up because of time spent commuting, but on the other hand his commute may well be worth the other advantages -- to you and directly and indirectly, to your DCs. Think about all that, discuss with him; only the two of you can work that part out, knowing yourselves and each other.

Overall, it does look to me that the 'general principle' I mentioned above should probably be the deciding factor. Your DP should probably agree. Looking at things from the other end, so to speak (children grown up and left, living their own lives), both I and DP think back to similar decisions we made during our lives as parents and are so glad we each pursued jobs and careers that suited us, even with breaks, and even when this meant that some 'high-flying' aspects had to fall by the wayside. Happy, fulfilled parents => good chance for happy, fulfilled children.

Hth. Good luck.

Well it sounds like you've made the decision on what you want. All the reasons people give for not giving up work (boredom/brain dying-off/feeling unfulfilled being just a mum and nothing else/losing financial independence etc) doesn't seem to bother you, so just do it.

If you don't feel any need to work, then own that decision and do what you want. People's brains are wired differently, you don't need to seek approval from MN. Some people will think you're mad to give up your job, others will think you're mad to miss the precious moments. Horses for courses.

I do wonder if your DP has thought through the implications especially if he has a longer commute. I am the WOHP and DH is the SAHP (he works for himself). The DC have broken up and it was bloody hard being the one who had to get up and leave this morning in the dark and cold. Is there a solution that makes things easier for both of you.

We did something similar. I would say that the time they need you around so much is actually very short. And you find yourself wondering what to do for yourself. It's important not to neglect your own hopes/dreams and development.

Otherwise you get to a point when they're 9/10 where you are restricted in that you can't both commute and certainly where we live there are very few opportunities for me workwise or socially.

The dc are very happy there's no doubt - school 5 minutes away, all their friends nearby, community feel. But I think it was a bad move for me personally in terms of limited opportunities for work/study and socially (same old faces wherever you go) and now I'm pretty much trapped here until they finish school.

I'm grateful I was there when they needed me however.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

It sounds to me that it would work for you.

I do have reservations about the commute. I think your DH should stay in a hotel in your new favourite location for several nights and really test drive the commute. In term time traffic, including Monday morning! If it's an hour or so all in, I could live with that. Some people do get on ok with more, but others end up just existing, not living. Saying it's what you do currently is not necessarily good enough if you're adding in driving, or the current commute is sapping your energy and not something you'd want to do for the next 15-20 years. And if you go for it, I would give a lot of weight to minimising the commute because 10mins here and there, added up over the years, will make so much more difference to your DP's quality of life than a Waitrose, or 3 different coffee shops, or a swimming pool in walking distance, will make to yours.

I would also have to think carefully about how it could affect our relationship long term. He is a bit disparaging of some of the mums at school who have "nothing more to worry about" than christmas play costumes or missing a single school event. I think work does give you more in common and a more even playing field. Not a showstopper, but something to bear in mind.

You seem to have thought this through - if you could live mortgage free by the coast and take up part time work or work remotely for your current employer while seeing your kids grow up then I'd do it!

Thank you Chaz, Erin and Chirza. Lots of food for thought. I think the idea of testing the journey is a good one.

A few thoughts/questions:

Presumably, the longer commute will give your DH less time with the kids. How does he feel about that? How do you feel about it?

Being a SAHM full-time won't be like multiplying your current day off a week by five, it will be quite a fundamental shift for your family. You will suddenly be in charge of all things domestic, domestic stuff and parenting will - inevitably - be much less of a joint thing with you and your DH. Does that appeal to you? How do you think it would affect your marriage?

(I ask because my DH and I are in similar careers and something that is genuinely important to us is the bonding that we do about work/career stuff, it would definitely negatively impact on our marriage if one of us gave up work.)

Is it possible that your DH's disability will worsen and make it hard for him to hold down his job? If so, what would be your plan?

How long would you want to be a SAHM for? What would you want to do afterwards and would that work in your new location?

If something went wrong - your DH's health, divorce - what position would you be in?

How likely is it that your feelings about your career will change? E.g if we have a different government in a few months.

How do you feel about what you'll be role modelling to your children? This is very personal and it sounds like you have reservations.

Can you take a career break to try it out?

Is it worth cutting down your hours first before deciding to quit entirely? E.g. three days a week or even staying with four but making the fourth a short day from home so you could do the school pickup

One more thing - re: savings and retirement, have you factored in your (probably very generous) public sector pension? Obviously, you'd still get some of it if you quit now but you'd get a lot more if you worked another 10-20 years and I would have thought it would more than off set being able to sell your London house. Not least because you could always sell up and downsize in retirement anyway so this isn't new money.

I would go for it as a Sahm. Time with Dc is precious and goes so quick.

I should probably clarify, when I say well paid, I mean for the public sector. So well paid like a head teacher, not well paid like a quantity surveyor or a barrister. I could earn for 10 years, not spend any of it on childcare and still not earn anything like what my house has earned in the last year. I will! Get a gold plated public sector pension but not until I am 67 and the hope has been ground out of me

But yes, DH's health has to be very seriously considered, and how I would adjust to being a SAHM and keeping my brain alive.

Lots to mull over. Thank you very much for giving me your thoughts. I don't feel like I need MN approval but this discussion is very valuable for me in thinking through the ramifications of the decision.

Have you considered a job share? Getting trendy now in the public sector, and the ones I know says it gives a brilliant balance between interesting work and time to be with their kids without being 'on call'.

I would be careful with dropping out completely as you may struggle if you need to get back in.

I know a number of very well qualified women who have been SAHM for the past 10 years or so when their DC were small. All had high earning husbands.

Currently a few of them are trying to get back in to work, but none has managed to secure any type senior job anywhere near where they left off.

If anything happens to your DH that means you wish to reconsider, you may find it hard to get back in. Of my friends I am the only one who has worked consistently (had to, single parent), and am now the only one who has a senior job. Also, we also relocated away from the HC and once you have sold your London home, there is no going back. shudders at cost of running huge rural Derbyshire house

I'm a SAHM. Although this seems shallow, it's important to wonder how you will feel about yourself when people are talking about what they do and you say, 'I'm at home with my kids' rather than 'I'm a head teacher' or whatever it is you do.

People's identity is often v tied up with their jobs. If you think you can cope with a) how you feel when your identity is SAHM and b) when someone replies 'oh right' and immediately goes to find someone more interesting to talk to. SAHM is not a respected role AT ALL.

I think it would be better to ease yourself into it if at all possible, or find a way to 'trial' it before you commit - eg can you have a sabbatical or something?

I'm now in the position of feeling glad that my kids have had me around when they were small, and loving being able to pick them up from school etc (or rather loving THEM loving that I pick them up from school), but also wondering where I go from here... I don't think I would've made the decision to be a SAHM again, tbh.

Could you take a 3-6 month sabbatical from work whilst staying in london? The commute is a huge change for DH and lifestyle change for all, so trying being a SAHM first might be worth it?

I'm coming out the other end of leaving a career to be a sahm. I went back to work pt when the youngest went to school and on Friday (2ish years in) just got a job that steps me back up to where I was before.

During my time at home I volunteered in areas that I wanted to shape my career into after the sahm bit and it made a lot of difference when I returned as my skills had diversified and were fairly current.

Sahm for a bit doesn't mean dropping work for life but it is what you make of it. And it can take a while to get back in.

Also for your dh-he may start off working in London but eventually find something more local, as has happened to friends of ours.

When you move areas not everything has to change at once. It can take years but you get there in the end.

Big choices! None of them totally irreversible though. I've never regretted the time I spent at home. But I was aware it wasn't forever.

Is your DH prepared to trade a longer commute for a longer retirement? Working until 73 would be horrendous (if he could even manage it with his disability).

I cant see a downside if you would be mortgage free, he gets to retire earlier and you get the time you want with your children. The only issue seems to be the commute.

Hi. OP
I was one of the most senior women in My part of a large well heard of multinational company. I was on all their succession plans to get to the top strata of our department. I walked away to be a SAHM. I felt the time needed to do the job well, the hours it would take, the stress and the attention would result in me not doing my job at home- the one that REALLY matters- properly. Bringing up DD is FAR more important to me than 5 figure salaries, 6 figure bonuses. She is at school, but it is my face that sees her into the gates and my hand she holds on the way home. It is me she tells about her day. This all matters so much more to me.

When it comes to examples to set, the one I want her to see is a woman who made her own decision on how to spend her life. A woman who studied at Oxbridge and got there from an inner city school, a woman who made it in a very male workplace and a woman who decided to try something different. I doubt on my deathbed I'll be wishing I had attended more board meetings and signed more deals...

Good luck whatever you decide

I found it interesting what a previous poster said about how she and her husband enjoy talking to each other about their work and in doing do it gives them something in common (or words to that effect) and I do think she has a point. I'm currently on maternity and I really miss having a job to talk about, or having something to discuss with my DH that is important and interesting. These days when he asks how my day has been the answer is always the same because nothing much differs in the day to day of SAHP. Yes me and DS go out every day, we do things and meet people etc but it's nothing anybody else would find interesting and certainly isn't worthy of an in depth, meaningful conversation

I go back to work in 6 weeks and I can't wait to feel like my day has a purpose to it and that them my DH asks how my day had been I will have lots of interesting things to say. I absolutely love being with my DS but it isn't enough for me, I need more in my life.

I'm very lucky though as I get the vest of both worlds as I will only be working 3 days a week so I can still have quality time with DS.

SAHM/WOHP decision is very difficult and my advice is the same as others have given you: be careful about removing yourself from employment completely as you never know how the future will pan out. It may be possible for you to be a SAHM at this current point in your life but situations can change and months/years down the line you never know when you will need full time work again. It's always best to keep one foot in the door I think in order to feel less vulnerable and to have a back-up plan.

In your position I would do it in a heartbeat...but, I'm a sahm and love looking after the house, cleaning,cooking and all it entails and have never been career driven.

Wow UnidentifiedItem are you me? That all sounds so like my experience and my thinking at the moment. I like your way of thinking about what makes a role model too.

It's not an easy decision and I think the points about it not being forever and the potential struggle of getting back into work are important. Doing something part time or voluntary which keeps my hand in might be sensible. Writer I felt a bit like that on my first maternity leave but now when I come home and talk to DH about work it's either a whinge or a rant. He might fancy a change from that .

I think Bogeyface and others are right, DH's commute needs more thought. Because we both work in jobs that involve seeing the nastier side of life in quite a lot of detail, bringing up DCs away from inner city London has an appeal in itself. DH has lived in the town we have in mind before and loves the idea of going back to live there with DCs, but I need to make sure he is being realistic about how commuting would affect him and us. I think plantsitter has a good point too about being prepared for the lack of respect for SAHMs.

formerbabe that's an interesting phrase. I don't think I've ever been career driven, I wanted to make society better, then I got more senior because I was good at what I did and got annoyed at more senior people doing it badly. But the public sector has taken such a pummelling in the last few years and this government seems hell bent on destroying it, it just depresses me. That time has coincided with me becoming a mum after believing that would never happen for me, and time away from my lovely DCs just feels wasted.

I did it. After my second daughter I gave up work for 8 years. I loved it, no more endless meetings where things are decided but nothing is ever done and no more emails!!!

It was boring at times, but so is work. I now work part time in a job I specifically picked because I don't have to take work home.

I think the main thing I missed was talking to men, I didn't meet many men over the years, a few but not many.