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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to cut contact with friends after the way the treated another friend?

71 replies

extremepie · 14/12/2014 15:00

Ok, another long one, sorry!

Group of my friends, X, is severely depressed and has been for a while, went through a stage of being quite hard to be around but I did my best to support her as much as I could.

All of our other friends not so much, they basically just ignored her for months until she got a bit better/went on antidepressants.

One year for her birthday X wanted to arrange a meal out with group of friends, she tried to organise it for a Friday so more people from the group would be able to attend, her actual birthday was midweek. Y rang her up having a huge go at her saying that the day she'd picked to go out was her bf's birthday (also part of the group) and that it was really inconsiderate for her to arrange something on that day & demanded she change it. X did change it and as a result not many people turned up. Y then, somewhat hypocritically organised her bf's birthday celebration on my birthday!

Fast forward to the following year, given the birthday clash situation the year before, X decided to have her birthday meal in a pub the week before so as to not interfere with anyone else's plans. She invited everyone from the group about a month in advance to make sure they could get time off work etc for it.

Most people said they would come and she booked tables etc then a few days before gradually everyone dropped out except one. She was disappointed but accepted that people were busy so she & other friend (Z) went out as planned. Halfway through the night, in walk Y and basically everyone else from the group who had been invited but said they couldn't attend. They got a table on the other side of the pub and didn't bother to say happy birthday or even acknowledge X. Z then gets up, says goodbye and goes over to join the others!

X then spends the rest of the night in tears wondering why everyone treated her so cruelly. They knew exactly which pub she was planning to go to and there are plenty to choose from in our town.

Wibu to not speak to them again after this? I'm still friends with X but I just think the way the rest of them treated her I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Or is that an overreaction?

OP posts:
Trooperslane · 14/12/2014 15:02

I think they're total fuckers.

Have you asked them why they were so nasty and childish?

furcoatbigknickers · 14/12/2014 15:06

Thats just horrible. I don't blane you.

Icimoi · 14/12/2014 15:08

I must say I struggle to think about a reason for this that is not based in anything other than direct cruelty. So yes, OP, I can't see any basis for continuing to associate with people who are capable of behaving like utter cunts.

Squeegle · 14/12/2014 15:09

Completely horrible, why would they do this? They have acted with pre arranged cruelty, why would you want to see any of them again?

Did you go on the actual night out?

LadyLuck10 · 14/12/2014 15:11

I find it unbelievable that people would really do this, and for no reason whatsoever.

slightlyworriednc · 14/12/2014 15:12

What explanation have they given? That is totally outrageous!

StrangeGlue · 14/12/2014 15:13

Yanbu and should tell them why you're dumping them from a great height. Toddlers behave better and with more compassion.

Comito · 14/12/2014 15:16

That's disgraceful. I'd drop them too and tell them exactly why. What awful bastards.

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 15:17

I actually didn't ask why they did it because I could fathom any set of circumstances where I would find it acceptable for them to do that to her.

I think it's likely they just preferred going out and doing what they wanted without her and didn't care how she felt.

Unfortunately I had to work that night but she phoned me in tears directly afterwards and told me the whole thing - her boyfriend was there too and confirmed it.

I haven't spoken to any of them since although some have tried to make contact, it's a shame because we were all really good friends at school but that was too much for me to forgive.

OP posts:
originalusernamefail · 14/12/2014 15:17

Have you spoken to any of them since? I would be demanding an explanation although I'm not sure what reason they could have for being such wankers. Angry

YoooSkylaaaarrrrrggghh · 14/12/2014 15:18

What complete bastards. Move on. You deserve better. X

originalusernamefail · 14/12/2014 15:18

Sorry spots

originalusernamefail · 14/12/2014 15:18

X-post not spots!

RedorBlack · 14/12/2014 15:20

That's so far beyond acceptable. Why on earth would they be so viscous? Yes drop them, off a cliff preferably. Your poor friend Hmm

jay55 · 14/12/2014 15:21

There's no reason to spend any thought on them again, they're awful fuckers.

comeagainforbigfudge · 14/12/2014 15:22

OMG how childish and awful behaviour that is totally uncalled for. I would even go so far to say as bullying. Your poor friend.

If I were you I'd call these so called "friends" on their behaviour.

I have been in a similar position where one "friend" was essentially leader of the pack and treated other friends as 2nd class. I called her on it and essentially "lost" a large group of friends, some who I had thought were my best friends.

Haven't spoke to them in years and it was the best thing I ever did as they were not true friends. I supported all of them thru many difficult situations but when I needed support they weren't there for me.

Sometimes we just outgrow our friends but that's not always a bad thing. Especially if there the way you've just described. Big hugs to your friend (and you) Flowers

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 14/12/2014 15:23

The first year with all of the clashes...I'd have thought it'd made sense to just have a joint birthday celebration for all 3 members of the group so something seems a bit odd there that it turned into an issue.

The following year, are you saying people said they'd attend her birthday meal, then cancelled, then some of them walked in to the place, sat far away and one person left your friend to join them? That is seriously weird.

I think I would have to say "it was really uncomfortable what happened the other night. Was there a reason for it?". Then I'd make my mind up. I can kind of understand friendships breaking down and people not going, but this is actively making a point about something and I'd need to know what.

YouTheCat · 14/12/2014 15:25

How long ago was her birthday? Would it be possible for you to arrange a nice night out with her to show her that not all her friends are immature, cruel twats?

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 15:27

Karen, yes that is what happened!

You, fortunately she has other friends that are actually decent but it really upset her at the time :(

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 14/12/2014 15:31

Good that she has good friends too.

I don't think I could be friends with people who think it's okay to treat others like that.

LadyLuck10 · 14/12/2014 15:32

Sorry but I find it really hard to believe that a group of adult women would resort to such extreme unpleasant behaviour for absolutely no reason. You have one side of the story, I think it's worth finding out what the reason is as you say you are friends with them too.

TooHasty · 14/12/2014 15:36

I think you need to speak to the others and find out their side of the story.
Maybe the other friend had the same idea about avoiding clashes and arranged her birthday party before X. I don't think you can take X's word as gospel without speaking to the others.

Boredshitless · 14/12/2014 15:37

How cruel and nasty.....I don't blame you at all.

Even ignoring someone with depression alone is awful, but with the rest added makes them vile.

If more people were like you and stood up for right and wrong in this world, it would be a better place.

Thanks For you!

Islander79 · 14/12/2014 15:41

I'd end my friendship with them and make sure they knew why!

honeysucklejasmine · 14/12/2014 15:43

That so cruel, especially as they initially said they could come. Sounds like someone in the Y group decided a night out, someone pointed out it clashed and so they all cancelled. Bastards.