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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to cut contact with friends after the way the treated another friend?

71 replies

extremepie · 14/12/2014 15:00

Ok, another long one, sorry!

Group of my friends, X, is severely depressed and has been for a while, went through a stage of being quite hard to be around but I did my best to support her as much as I could.

All of our other friends not so much, they basically just ignored her for months until she got a bit better/went on antidepressants.

One year for her birthday X wanted to arrange a meal out with group of friends, she tried to organise it for a Friday so more people from the group would be able to attend, her actual birthday was midweek. Y rang her up having a huge go at her saying that the day she'd picked to go out was her bf's birthday (also part of the group) and that it was really inconsiderate for her to arrange something on that day & demanded she change it. X did change it and as a result not many people turned up. Y then, somewhat hypocritically organised her bf's birthday celebration on my birthday!

Fast forward to the following year, given the birthday clash situation the year before, X decided to have her birthday meal in a pub the week before so as to not interfere with anyone else's plans. She invited everyone from the group about a month in advance to make sure they could get time off work etc for it.

Most people said they would come and she booked tables etc then a few days before gradually everyone dropped out except one. She was disappointed but accepted that people were busy so she & other friend (Z) went out as planned. Halfway through the night, in walk Y and basically everyone else from the group who had been invited but said they couldn't attend. They got a table on the other side of the pub and didn't bother to say happy birthday or even acknowledge X. Z then gets up, says goodbye and goes over to join the others!

X then spends the rest of the night in tears wondering why everyone treated her so cruelly. They knew exactly which pub she was planning to go to and there are plenty to choose from in our town.

Wibu to not speak to them again after this? I'm still friends with X but I just think the way the rest of them treated her I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Or is that an overreaction?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2014 15:47

Yanbu at all, what nasty spiteful little bitches. Yes I would end the 'friendship' after they treated this poor lady Sad, yes let them know exactly why. I would not like to be associated with idiots like them. What if you fell ill, bet they woukd desert you. They are just fair weather friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2014 15:51

Yes I can see how some people would behave like that! You only have to see on mumsnet how some women are reduced to acting like school girls sometimes, yes it can happen. They are bullies!

DaygloYellowLady · 14/12/2014 16:59

A very similar thing happened with my friends a few years ago. One, Friend A, developed a life changing condition and some of the others started to edge her out, talking about how they didn't believe she had the condition. They were pretty nasty about her and quite shortly our group split.
None of us who still see Friend A really see those who weren't nice to her and it's been no loss at all.
Some people are just not very nice.

SaucyJack · 14/12/2014 17:05

Why do you describe you all as a group of friends? They very very very clearly do not consider this woman a friend.

I'd be trying to find out if there was a reason for it before making any decisions.

StarOnTheTree · 14/12/2014 17:05

I stopped seeing some friends last year because of how they treated one of our mutual friends. I kept channels of communication open so they could have attempted to explain why they did it but I didn't ask them directly because there isn't an answer that would have made their behaviour ok. I was vocal with them about how I felt about the way they'd behaved.

I don't see them now but they were good friends and I still miss them though it's just starting to get easier.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/12/2014 17:51

Ywnbu to do so.

How old are these women, 14? That is nasty school girl behaviour that most grow out of.

Fuck them. Poor X.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2014 18:39

There is no excuse for this behaviour, op knows the situation more than us, she is upset about it. Tgey are nasty and spiteful!

RaisingMen · 14/12/2014 18:47

I would normally say don't get involved, but their behaviour is disgusting.

The fact that they went to the same pub was deliberate and cruel, and I'd pull them up on it before having nothing else to do with the nasty fuckers. She's lucky she at least has one decent friend - well done for sticking by her.

SASASI · 14/12/2014 19:00

I've had similar bahaviour happen to me & you OP would be a friend worth their weight in gold. They sound like absolute cunts.

Coyoacan · 14/12/2014 19:08

Apart from my absolute disgust at this behaviour, this behaviour shows a toxic world view and people's world views rub off. One should always surround oneself with people who elevate you, not drag you down.

notagainffffffffs · 14/12/2014 19:16

Yanbu- ive cut off a friend and her boyfriend after a party- the pair of them were mocking another friends appearance/mannerisms etc. Was so upsetting for her. Cut them off and haven't looked back

Lymmmummy · 14/12/2014 19:37

Not very nice friends - maybe it's time to cool it with them - if they do it to your friend what if next time it's you with the depression/ difficult time - just plan somethjng nice with your upset friend and explain you are also disappointed with them

timetoplay · 14/12/2014 19:48

That is horrible and cruel behaviour. I would be speaking to them to hear what their justification is for being so horrible and then telling them how I felt about it.

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 14/12/2014 19:48

notagainffffffffs

Yanbu- ive cut off a friend and her boyfriend after a party- the pair of them were mocking another friends appearance/mannerisms etc

I declined to attend a wedding purely because when one of our friends walked out the room, the couple tore into him - really vicious, unprovoked stuff. I saw their true colours there and then.

OP I've been thinking about it more. Initially I did think there must be an underlying reason for such poisonous behaviour but I've thought more & just can't think if anything which could justify it.

Whatisaweekend · 14/12/2014 20:00

I would def be demanding an explanation for such blatant cruelty. There is absolutely nothing that would excuse it, of course, but it would be interesting to see how they framed a reply. Then I would dump the lot of them making it clear why.

NotAClueReally · 14/12/2014 21:16

God, that's just awful. Talk about "friends like these"... Definitely not the sort of friends I'd want in my life. No way.

Purplepoodle · 14/12/2014 21:20

God that's awful - you think you leave this type of crap behind when you leave school. Has your friend done something to make the group shun her? Has someone been spreading lies about her? Whatever it is its pretty vile

BreakingDad77 · 14/12/2014 21:46

How old are these people!?

That is so shifty, as they could have gone some where else, that's rubbing it in her face. These are not nice people make sure everyone you know is aware of it.

BreakingDad77 · 14/12/2014 21:47

How old are these people!?

That is so shifty, as they could have gone some where else, that's rubbing it in her face. These are not nice people make sure everyone you know is aware of it.

BreakingDad77 · 14/12/2014 21:48

#shitty

AlmaMartyr · 14/12/2014 22:01

Sadly, I can believe this Xmas Sad Your poor friend, she's lucky to have you. I've been in a similar situation, also lost a large group of "friends" (there were other factors) and feel generally better as a result. I felt so ashamed of my friends and hated feeling like that - I've felt like it before and hope not to feel like that again.

Ohfourfoxache · 14/12/2014 22:05

I would have no further contact with these people but would damn well make sure they knew why.

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 14/12/2014 22:07

LadyLuck ^ makes the best point here. I have to say OP that whenever I read one of your threads I'm always Shock Shock - until I see it's you and then it's a case of 'stand down - it's extremepie again.
As for this tale - sorry - but no. Just no - you've mistaken some bit of it or something but people just don't behave like this - not without there being some huge extenuating reason or circumstance having bearing upon the matter.

eddielizzard · 14/12/2014 22:11

i also think that there must be more to this story. just sounds improbable. if it's true they are total shits, but i really suspect there's more to it than that.

WoodenGo · 14/12/2014 22:17

I sometimes think there is a competition on this board to see who has the most outrageous story..
I don't know how I've got through my long-ish life without all this drama. I must be very thick skinned or just not had complete arseholes for friends.

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