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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious on friends behalf and not know what to do next?

31 replies

extremepie · 14/12/2014 13:56

Sorry, this may be long!

I'm friends with a couple, X & Y, they've been together about 5yrs, have 2 young daughters and got married earlier this year - think childhood sweethearts been together since they met at school etc.

Recently they broke up, bit out of the blue, X (man) said he wasn't happy and has moved out, looking for his own place, sorting out money for the girls & bills. Doesn't seem very bothered about it which is surprising since not long ago they seemed happy. Y (woman) is understandably devastated, wants him back, wants to work on things but X doesn't seem very interested in doing so.

Recently I found out that he was a work kissing & hugging one of his female co workers - a 17yr old girl, and they left together at the end of the night. It looks very very likely that they have started at least sleeping together if nothing else. Aibu to be furious with him on Y's behalf? X and the other girl have had a somewhat suspicious relationship for a while now and I strongly suspect that he has cheated on Y with her before they broke up.

I just can't believe he would throw away their marriage and family and break Y's heart just for the opportunity to shag a teenager he works with. I think he thinks the grass is greener on the other side and that it's all exciting and new but once the novelty wears off he will be kicking himself for breaking up his family for a stupid short lived thrill. When I asked him about how he was coping with the break up (before I found this out), he said he didn't feel loved and that he & Y didn't do stuff together anymore. He's complained to me in the past that they didn't have sex enough. So basically he has thrown a strop because he wasn't getting enough attention and decided to devastate his wife and children to be able to fuck the first person who shows an interest.

I really want to message him and ask him what the fuck he's playing at - if you & your wife have problems you try & sort them out not run away & shag someone else! But I won't because he has obviously made up his mind to be a selfish twat and it's not my place to interfere Angry

My other Aibu is that about a month after he got married me & my bf broke up & he started messaging me asking if I was ok etc. This eventually turned into some fairly strong innuendo and flirting with his asking to come round and so on. When challenged on this he said that X knew about it and it was just a joke. I think that is bullshit and given his recent behaviour I'm wondering if Awbu to tell her about this? I don't want to hurt her any more than she is hurting already but I wonder if she might want to know? I also don't know if I should mention this other girl to her, she is so hoping he will come back to her but it's looking more and more likely that won't happen :(

Feel awful for her and so angry at X! What makes me even more angry is that this girl went to X and Y's wedding too! A mutual friend of ours thinks that I should have no reason to feel angry with the girl as she is single etc and he is the one in the wrong which is true but I feel that she should have left him alone since she knows he is married rather than adding fuel to the fire when they were having difficulties :(

OP posts:
Spartak · 14/12/2014 14:02

Mind your own business. Sticking your oar in is unlikely to be appreciated by any of the parties involved.

Nomama · 14/12/2014 14:03

BACK OFF. STEP AWAY FROM THE RELATIONSHIP.

He has broken up with Y, he is, therefore, entitled to get on with his life. You don't even really know anything!

Y is entitled to be devastated, but she can't make X do anything he doesn't want to.

YOU have absolutely no business getting involved with his, possible, new relationship... and bringing old news into the equation is hypocritical, you didn't do anything at the time, why rub it in her face now?

Support the poor woman, don't knock her into oblivion.

greenfolder · 14/12/2014 14:04

ywbu to tell friend about messages now- the last thing she needs to hear.

understandable that you are really angry at him but there is nothing you can do to change him, or make him realise the error of his ways.

focus on your friend and helping her build a life without him

MokunMokun · 14/12/2014 14:06

You know what? He's a dick. A lying cheating scum bag dick. He has probably cheated on her all the time and would have continued cheating on her. Don't feel sorry for her. In the long term she is better off without him.

I agree with Spartak though. Support her but don't get involved it will just bite you on the butt.

Fiftyplusmum · 14/12/2014 14:09

How old is he? He sounds quite immature? Basically he made a commitment too young I would say.

What can you do - just be a good friend to your friend Y.

SpringBreaker · 14/12/2014 14:10

I think the best thing you can do is support your friend and other than that nothing. They must be very young themselves if they met at school and have only been together five years.

chocismydrug · 14/12/2014 14:12

support your friend (y) but otherwise stay out of it and do not get involved.

Bunbaker · 14/12/2014 14:15

I agree with the other posters here. Support your friend, but do not get involved. I am in a similar position to you, as my best friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. I am biting my lips and just being there for her, which is all she needs right now.

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 14:19

That's exactly what I think Mokun, she is better off without him she just doesn't know it yet! She needs time.

I know it wouldn't help anything to tell her I guess I just considered it because if it was me I would want to know! But she isn't me :/

I will do everything I can to support her, my own marriage broke down last year so I know exactly what's she's going through and my heart is breaking for her, I just want to take her pain away and I can't help :(

Nomama, I know all of that is true really it's just from all the stuff that's happened in the last few months (they got married in the summer) I'm 99% sure he has cheated on her! Hence my anger.

I'm also sick of men who get bored of the responsibilities that come with having a family and so decide to dump them and run off into the sunset & start over, leaving their poor Ex's to pick up the pieces and look after the kids. He's not planning on paying the proper amount of child support either, about £100 less per month than he should, all while he lives in his nan's house rent free and spends all his time & money on himself and his car.

Admittedly my own bad experience with my ex is colouring my view -a lot- slightly, but I can't believe how he is treating her :(

OP posts:
2of3 · 14/12/2014 14:20

I agree with all the others here. It's no use bringing up the old story. That won't help the situation.
Just be as supportive as you can.

As for him, judging isn't going to help anyone. You really don't know what's going on in his head, or what was going on in their relationship.

IloveOreossx · 14/12/2014 14:20

Met at school... Together 5yrs... So... They're 21?

greenfolder · 14/12/2014 14:22

i really dont subscribe to the idea that all men are dicks, but the older i have got, the more i have realised that people treat others terribly seemingly without thought.

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 14:24

I think they are both 23 fifty, I think so too but that doesn't give him the excuse to act like such a c**t!

I think it's also how he's gone about it that's making me so angry - he is swanning around his work telling everyone about that fact that they've broken up, he's moving out and not having to pay rent, not paying properly for his kids etc and then flaunting his new fuckbuddy, bragging about the whole thing like he is such a big man it makes me sick!

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 14/12/2014 14:25

Sounds like they got together too young and he is still young and immature
He's been an idiot but so are many men in their early 20s

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 14:27

I'm not a man hater at all it's just I keep seeing the same situation over and over and it's always the men (IME) that come out happy as anything while the woman are broken and struggling.

Normally I am very understanding of the fact their are 2 sides to everything but it's the attitude (as explained above) that's really pissing me off.

And just before Christmas too, the bastard.

OP posts:
Nomama · 14/12/2014 14:33

extreme - I'm one for telling usually, I have done so in the past.

But it sounds as though he has done a bit of the right thing now - if he was cheating but you didn't see it does not count - and your friend has to re build from now, not back then. The money aspect is for her to chase, his morals are his - his work will judge him, the more he brags and swaggers the more they will judge - even if he is just a youngy'un himself!

For you own sanity you'll need to find a different focus, though. It sounds a lot like you have some 'isshues' left over from you ex, that has got to be painful for you and this situation won't help you believe that some men are quite nice really!

Deep breath, chin up, and good luck offering her a hand to hold.

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2014 14:39

I agree with those who have said back off out of it and just support your friend.

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 14:41

*Sigh

I do have issues with my ex still, amongst other things, and they're not likely to resolved soon unfortunately :/

Just wish this wasn't happening to her, she really doesn't deserve it :(

She is so in pieces and I don't have any way to make her feel better, I know she will probably be happier in the long run but getting to that point takes time and is very hard.

Not all men are horrible, I just seem to have met a few that are.

OP posts:
Fiftyplusmum · 14/12/2014 14:53

Are his parents around? It's not your role but it's a pity there aren't older men telling him about his responsibilities as a father. He clearly wasn't ready for parenthood.

DaisyFlowerChain · 14/12/2014 15:01

23 in a first relationship with added children meant the odds were already stacked against the relationship lasting. People rush into marriage and parenthood far too soon before they have lived life and know for certain they are never going to want anybody else.

It's sad that they have split but he can't be expected to stay unhappy forever, he can still be a good parent even if he doesn't live in the same household after a split. You have no proof he was cheating only that he is now in a new relationship so don't add fuel to the fire without knowing for certain the facts.

pinkdelight · 14/12/2014 15:02

That's what I was thinking iloveoreo. These childhood sweethearts can only be 21, so the references to the 17yo/teenager are rather different than if he was an older man in a longer marriage. Obviously he's still a dickhead but many young blokes are at that age and only an admirable few stick with the childhood sweetheart with whom they had 2 DCs so young. Yes he's chucking a lot away but he may also feel he's chucked a lot away by getting tied down so young. It's shit for your friend but you can support her without wading into the rift. He's not coming back to her by the sounds of it and she'll be better off without him.

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 15:07

This is true Daisy I just don't understand why, if he was unhappy, he didn't try something like talking to his wife and trying to fix the problems? He didn't try he just bailed when it got tough!

He works long hours in a restaurant and barely could find the time to spend time with his daughters when he did live in the same house so no one is holding out much hope of his making the time now he isn't living there. He even missed his eldest daughters birthday party last week to go and get pissed up at his 'managers meeting' with the 17yr old!

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 15:12

Yes pink, the age gap is not really a problem it's more the fact that he is messing around with someone just as immature as he is. Whatever his age he was a married man with 2 children and he's given it all up to go out and have fun with someone who is barely out of school. Doesn't really make it better or worse but its clearly isn't a 'we're desperately in love and she's going to be a stepmom to his kids type of situation' it's more a 'she is young and pretty with big tits and we can go out drinking and shagging together now that I don't have the inconvenience of my family' type situation.

OP posts:
LosingTheWillToSkate · 14/12/2014 15:13

I feel like I've missed something here.

So he's left his wife and children because he was unhappy. Fine. Nd he may or may not have slept with a woman he works with whom you saw him with after the split. Also fine.

You engaging in flirty innuendo laden messages with him when him and your friend were together? Not fine.

Original poster
extremepie · 14/12/2014 15:23

No losing, he was flirting with me and asking if he should 'come round' wink face and I said no , think of your wife etc. He responded saying stuff like 'she won't find out wink face lol' etc etc.

Thinking back on it there's no way she couldn't have known about those messages and been ok with it as he claimed, but at the time I had just been dumped and was distraught so I didn't think too much of it.

OP posts:
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