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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you expect me 2 stick to a budget, you should stick to yours???

98 replies

WhatTheAbsoluteF · 14/12/2014 08:09

DH and I spent more on Christmas gifts for family this year as well as other big items which now means we have to watch our budget until his next salary comes in, in a week's time. (FYI we are generally quite well off and have never been in this situation before. We live in a beautiful, large home, drive an expensive, brand new car and go on holidays often, but we have spent far more than usual on furnishing our new home and purchasing items for baby's arrival, hence the need to budget.)

Yesterday, I needed to do some shopping for my baby who has outgrown her current clothes. I asked if I can get my older daughter new boots as well, as she only has one pair of boots that she says is starting to get tight on her. (She has outgrown all her other shoes) His response was that he only has around £300 to last us till the 20th of December and therefore we can't buy her boots now. He goes on to say I can only spend £50 on baby clothes, which I accept. He also says he has to buy a few groceries for the house and asks what I need....I give him several items and he asks me to leave out one or two because he only has a £40 budget for the groceries. I agree. (I know we can get anything else we need, with his next pay cheque)

I ended up spending £42 at the store, while he went on to spend £79....almost double his budget! I was sitting in the car with baby, waiting for over 30 mins while he shopped......freezing my butt off (luckily baby was wrapped in a thick blanket and dressed warmly) and wondering why he was taking such a long time to get back with the few items on the list. I was surprised to see him coming back with a fairly full trolley of goods. When I asked, he said he only bought 2 extra items....Checking his receipt revealed that he had purchased far more than 2 extra items. When I asked, he said these items were on sale & we would all enjoy eating it. I agreed, but pointed out that I didn't buy my daughter boots or other clothing items she needed because he asked me to stick to the budget, yet he couldn't stick to his own!

My poor daughter accompanied me to the shop to buy baby's clothing & saw several reasonably priced items for herself (necessary as she has also outgrown her winter clothing from last year) and I told her she needed to wait till the end of the month to do her shopping. I pointed out to my husband that I could have got a few good items for my daughter with that extra money. He went on to have a fit.....accused me of saying he can't provide for his family (I never did!!!) and stormed off in a rage. He has not spoken to me since.

Am I being unreasonable to think that if he expects me to stick to a budget, then he should stick to his? I don't think I did anything wrong by querying his spending. Did I? Would you assume I implied you can't provide for your family if you were in his position?

OP posts:
simbacatlivesagain · 14/12/2014 08:13

Why do you need to ask him how much you can spend? You share children - you should also be able to share money. Totally joint money is essential in my opinion in all live in/married relationships. Share children - share a bank account. Having to ask him for money is not acceptable in any way.

You say- your daughter- is he not the father?

Mostlyjustaluker · 14/12/2014 08:14

I think the problem is the way you divide up money. How do you do it? We have no kids yet but we have an account for house, bills ect an desperate accounts with our own pocket money. This maybe more helpful for you?

No, it is not acceptable to buy your things when your children don't have suitable clothes and shoes.

Lweji · 14/12/2014 08:20

If he had a fit like that, I'd just go and tell him that I was going to buy the boots and he can go and tantrum away as he likes, and would he please go back to the shop and return the extra £37 worth of shopping.
Then serve rice and beans for 2 weeks.

But, actually, I would return the offending presents (both of you) and buy cheaper ones. Why spend so much on presents to the point that you are arguing over so little money? And your dd is going without needed boots.
I can get that you lost control of the expenditure, but you don't have to keep them. Easily sorted.

Does he often react like this?

43percentburnt · 14/12/2014 08:22

From your post It appears that your dh only has a budget in mind when it comes to you spending money. When the till got to £40 he could have put items back, or he could have totted up in his head as he wandered round with the trolley.

Shoes were the priority here. You could pick up a reasonably priced pair in the supermarket.

Why do you have to ask him all the time? My dh is a sahd he has full access to all the money I have access to, he can buy our children whatever he feels they need.

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/12/2014 08:25

YANBU. This is why I do most of the shopping. DH buys his beer. Xmas Grin

poorbuthappy · 14/12/2014 08:27

I have to ask what the £300 covers in order for it to be a problem to last 6 days.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 14/12/2014 08:30

If you're that well off don't you have a credit card or savings pot you could use for the boots?
Seriously, yanbu obviously but I can't see any of your financial issues as that terrible really

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 14/12/2014 08:30

Your user name sums it up for me I'm afraid

Legodino · 14/12/2014 08:33

You're both as bad as each other. However I'm sure all the clothes and boots could have waited one week till payday. You could have borrowed some boots to tie you over or bought some cheap wellies for the week. Food is slightly more essential.

What I don't understand is why you have a nice big house and new car but no savings to fall back on. You need to have banked three times you're wage.

It sounds to me like you have a very materialistic family

Blessedandgrateful · 14/12/2014 08:34

I just think in all honesty you need to see the big picture and count your blessings that you have £300 left to cover a week.

charlieandlola · 14/12/2014 08:36

This thread will be fun .

ilovesooty · 14/12/2014 08:36

I'm struggling to see what your financial issues are really apart from having spent too much on Christmas gifts. Good for you that you'll be ok after pay day. Lots of people aren't. Just take some of the gifts back if you've over extended yourselves.

cogitosum · 14/12/2014 08:36

£50 on baby clothes is a lot. Couldn't you have spent say £30 on them and £20 on shoes?

Blessedandgrateful · 14/12/2014 08:37

Yes I'm sure the clothes and boots could have waited another week....

My 9yr old daughter has to wait until Christmas Day for much needed clothes.

Legodino · 14/12/2014 08:39

Money has to be negotiated between you both but obviously you all need to eat and you already own baby clothes and boots which you could last out/borrow for one week till payday.

MarjorieMelon · 14/12/2014 08:39

You lost me at we live in a beautiful large house, drive a brand new fancy car etc etc...

Legodino · 14/12/2014 08:43

It just boils down to poor financial planning over the entire month (or couple of months)

ChristmasJumperWearer · 14/12/2014 08:43

If you are as well-off as you say, with access to a good regular salary, then intelligent, informed use of credit (credit cards or 0% finance) will help you to avoid these situations. My DH earns a great salary, but we tend to lock our savings into bonds and such that they cannot be accessed easily. Hence we have a credit card with cash back or air miles (depending on the best deals) to fall back on when needed. If you can manage your finances tightly, and be disciplined, it makes sense to spend on a credit card and repay in full every month to take advantage of cash back.

No matter how well-off you are, you can also offset new purchases by ebaying the old stuff. If you buy decent brands of clothes and shoes for the DCs in the first place, selling them on will help your cash flow.

But I suspect this is really about power, not money. Right?

Fairenuff · 14/12/2014 08:43

I don't understand why you spent so much on Christmas presents when you knew that your dd needed winter clothes. I also don't understand why you sat in a cold car instead of a warm supermarket.

Your dh spent more on food but at least it was food. You will all need to eat and if it was on offer, it's good economy. Try charity shops for childrens clothes.

ilovesooty · 14/12/2014 08:44

And perhaps before you buy big items or book holidays in future you could consider having a bit more foresight and putting the money into savings instead.

Another crass, insensitive stealth boasting thread.

DurhamDurham · 14/12/2014 08:45

Put it down to stress of Christmas, go and have a cuppa and a few BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit while you try to work out how to make £300 last all of six days.

Frogme · 14/12/2014 08:48

I know what you mean op. It's the principle. Yes, this is one blip in your spending which is a very short term problem, which will be easily solved, however he messed up and instead of apologising he had a go at you. Not fair and annoying.

If the relationship is generally fair and he doesn't normally react like this, let it go. If this is just one example of similar issues, then you need to address these before the frustration affects your marriage permanently.

Lweji · 14/12/2014 08:51

If there are bills coming, £300 may not be too much.

Although I'm with others in relation to credit cards and overdrafts. Unless you are already at the limit, in which case, YABU in being on the limit and start saving properly so that you don't use up all your credit. Credit should be for emergencies.

CariadsDarling · 14/12/2014 08:57

You mention we are generally quite well off and have never been in this situation before. We live in a beautiful, large home, drive an expensive, brand new car and go on holidays often, but we have spent far more than usual on furnishing our new home and purchasing items for baby's arrival, hence the need to budget

If you really could afford your large home and nice car etc you wouldn't be living one pay cheque to the next because buying these things is no indication you can afford them - living it comfortably is.

Original poster
WhatTheAbsoluteF · 14/12/2014 08:59

Hi. There seems to be quite a few responses, so I may not be able to answer everyone's questions, but basically if you read my post, I did say we have never been in this situation before and will be fine once DH's pay is in next week. We don't have any financial problems as such (my mentioning the house, car & holidays was to provide an insight into our usual lifestyle)...and yes, £300 is plenty to last a week IMO (to cover food, petrol & other expenses)

My point is, based on DH's budget I deliberately didn't buy my daughter a pair of boots, when perhaps I could have if DH had given me the go ahead. (He did go over his budget after all!) I am also not saying the boots & clothes couldn't wait....they can and both me & my daughter are fine with this. It's only a week more.

My issue is that my husband didn't stick to his budget, yet expected me to. Yes, food would usually be more important to purchase on a budget than boots that can wait a week, but when these items are unnecessary items liked smoked salmon, dessert items, etc, then no...I would rather have purchased my daughter her boots!

About the expenditure....It's not that we've blown all our money on Xmas gifts. There has been a build up of expenses due to the cost of furnishing our home, buying nursery furniture and other baby goods....all big cost items which add up. It isn't necessary to return Xmas gifts because as I mentioned, when my husbands paycheque comes in, we will be fine again financially. December is always a month where we spend more than usual due to Xmas, so this is not the issue. Neither is making the £300 pounds last till next week. My issue is purely that my husband gave me a budget to stick to, but didn't stick to his, and had I known he was planning to spend so much more, I would have suggested getting my daughters boots/clothes instead. Luxury food items can wait a week!

And yes, my daughter is my DH's (Someone asked)

OP posts: