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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for motivation on finishing with DP due to children?

64 replies

suitcaseofdoom · 13/12/2014 00:16

I've been going out with someone for about six months who has children. I'm childfree by choice

I think I just can't do it?

It's not a value judgement at all but I'm already pissed off (even though they're at the latter stages of uni he seems to have a bit of a "drop everything and run" attitude to them - like they expect him to help with their uni homework etc) and I get the vibe he's going to be at their beck and call indefinitely.

Which is fine, but not working for me. I haven't met them and don't want to (he has offered and they know about me but I'm not interested Blush)

We've agreed to go casual (as in I'm dating other people), but you know when you really like someone and things are almost but not quite perfect and it's hard to really be involved with anyone else?

I think I need a push, I do really like him, things are splendid, but the "children situation" is looming over me like a sword of Damocles and I'm not motivated enough to end things definitively - even though he knows I'm considering other options he is still very available/nice which is a problem?

We haven't had a major situation with the children yet so it's sort of the tip of the iceberg but a couple of cases of "sorry, X needs to come over tonight why??? so our plans are off")

I'm starting to make catty comments and it isn't how I want to be Sad I don't want to be involved in the parenting dynamics as I'm childless myself.

I'm generally happy being single and lots going on in my own life

(that's part of the problem in a way - I get the vibe DP wants to be on call for his adult children "until they reject him" and then just parachute into this new life that I've built myself, which I think will lead to major resentment?)

Can everyone PLEASE give me a stern talking to, advice, slap with wet fish etc? I need motivation.

OP posts:
jasper · 13/12/2014 00:21

you don't need a stern anything. you just need to realise he will be "on call" for his children forever , and that doesn't suit you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. you can't help how you feel about his kids .
Find yourself a nice man without kids.
you should ALWAYS be second to a person's children

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/12/2014 00:23

Why have you got more than one thread running about this??

Original poster
suitcaseofdoom · 13/12/2014 00:24

I reported my old one for deletion, thought it was a bit insensitive to put it in Step-parenting as its not really techically about that

OP posts:
Delphinegreen · 13/12/2014 00:30

Yes you need to go seperate ways, you sound as though you could resent his childrens relationship with him. Perhaps you need to find someone you can have all to yourself, setting him free to find someone who understands his responsibilities.

Tobyjugg · 13/12/2014 00:36

I'm generally happy being single and lots going on in my own life

Then I can only suggest you find someone else. Both my DCs are late 20s but I'm there when req'd and always will be. That's the way it is with children.

YonicSleighdriver · 13/12/2014 00:37

But the next person you meet might have commitments to an elderly parent, say - would that be different?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2014 00:40

If you are "generally happy being single" I would do that, or choose someone without children

Original poster
suitcaseofdoom · 13/12/2014 00:43

Thats actually what keeping me in limbo Yonic, as in I'm wondering if I'm expecting the impossible here?

The "plus" side of this guy and why we've been going out so long is that he is very flexible in his current financial/work situation - he's not mega loaded but very available and supportive when he's not with the kids?

But, for example, this month is a very tough month for me in terms of work, having to move, issues with lodgers.

And he's a write-off as his daughter is staying with him the whole month so he can help with her uni project and interview coaching and doing all the cooking for her.

I feel like a major bitch here as objectively I can see its a nice thing to do (and if I wasn't romantically involved I'd be cheering) but I also I myself don't want to be the "Cool Partner" and pretend I feel Ok when I don't.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 13/12/2014 00:44

Yes break up with the poor guy, you don't sound very nice. He however sounds like a great dad.

Original poster
suitcaseofdoom · 13/12/2014 00:46

Yes Toby thats what I need to hear.

I myself left home when I was 16 and am NC with my parents due to parental abuse so I don't know what is "normal" contact if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 13/12/2014 00:55

suitcase yes, I see. What's he's doing with his dc's is what I would call "normal". If you're not used to it, it may seem over the top. From what you say, I think your need a relationship with another person with no kids or elderly parents TBH but what do I know?

Coyoacan · 13/12/2014 00:55

I don't agree with SoonToBeSix. There is nothing in your posts that makes me think that you aren't nice. Not being nice would be trying to muscle the kids out and you are not doing that.

But I am surprised that the dad can't leave his place for a month because his student daughter is staying with him. I must admit I have done similar with my adult dd when she is feeling particularly down, but normally having an adult child in the house shouldn't be so restricting.

30somethingm · 13/12/2014 01:00

SoonToBeSix - you are either not very nice or you are very stupid. OP has acknowledged that what her DP is doing is decent and that if she weren't romantically involved she would be "cheering" from the rafters

SoonToBeSix · 13/12/2014 01:00

It's not nice to not understand parents are there for their children for life. Neither is it nice not to be interested in meeting your partners children.

SoonToBeSix · 13/12/2014 01:02

I am not stupid or not nice, the ops comments are strange. Being romantically involved shouldn't change anything op just comes across as selfish.

Original poster
suitcaseofdoom · 13/12/2014 01:16

Thanks coyoacan as I say I don't know what's "normal" but when we 1st started going out, DP hinted there might be a tantrum when one DD met me as she's used to him being at her "beck and call" - his words not mine - which made me fairly reticent to engage at all?

I have been accepting that the children come first as in I haven't commented negatively about anything (when I say "catty comments" I mean about the two of us, not the children) and I've even advised him to make certain choices that are best for the children,

but I'm probably bottling it all up!

I think his view is that this is just temporary and when the children graduate it will be different but I reckon this is wishful thinking based on my own observations so far and what I have read here

(it is wishful thinking, isn't it? i do like him a lot Sad).

OP posts:
lunar1 · 13/12/2014 01:25

It will be different when they graduate, they will have their own children and he will be a grandad. By the sounds of it he will be a fantastic grandad. You should walk away now, do you really want that for your future?

30somethingm · 13/12/2014 01:28

lunar how can you be certain that when they graduate they will have their own children? It might be 20 years before a 21 year old graduate becomes a parent and they may never end up procreating anyway

lunar1 · 13/12/2014 01:36

I can't but the ops position on children is pretty clear, should she spend the next year, 5 or 10 years keeping her fingers crossed that it doesn't happen? Or should DH find someone who wants the same things from life as she does?

MagicMojito · 13/12/2014 01:43

I think its fine that you have realized that this lifestyle isn't for you. Its only been six months. End it now before you both get any more invested though.
I don't think you come across as selfish/odd/mean at all. Different strokes for different folks, its what makes the world go round :)

Good luck.

Original poster
suitcaseofdoom · 13/12/2014 01:45

lunar and 30something you're both right, I can see both scenarios happening.

That's the trouble, I can see us having a shot at building a very good independent life together if timing lines up.

but also see it not working if things don't go to plan.

And I'm reading about easily blended families where the partner is really "involved" with the children and its as emotionally comprehensible to me as Swahili!

He's more optimistic than me but I think he's enjoying the present moment and hoping that things will just slot into place - he's a good bloke but seems a bit "wait till they graduate and things will be different" and I'm not sure how exactly?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 13/12/2014 01:53

I think the problem is that none of the things that need to slot into place are in your control. His children could become completely independent tomorrow, have children in 10 years and only visit once a week.

Or his daughter could become a single mum next year and move in with her dad who will help her out for the next ten years.

Or any variable in between. The only constant is that whatever happens will be out of your control, are you happy for things which will have massive impact on your life to be in someone else's hands?

MagicMojito · 13/12/2014 01:56

Any man worth having will always put his children first (within reason obviously)
Go find yourself somebody who can put you as a couple first. I know that i could never be part of a blended family. Its not for me. There's nothing wrong with that.

30somethingm · 13/12/2014 01:58

Fair points lunar and magic

YonicSleighdriver · 13/12/2014 02:00

Well, when I graduated, I stopped calling my parents' house home, so it might be different.

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