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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for motivation on finishing with DP due to children?

64 replies

suitcaseofdoom · 13/12/2014 00:16

I've been going out with someone for about six months who has children. I'm childfree by choice

I think I just can't do it?

It's not a value judgement at all but I'm already pissed off (even though they're at the latter stages of uni he seems to have a bit of a "drop everything and run" attitude to them - like they expect him to help with their uni homework etc) and I get the vibe he's going to be at their beck and call indefinitely.

Which is fine, but not working for me. I haven't met them and don't want to (he has offered and they know about me but I'm not interested Blush)

We've agreed to go casual (as in I'm dating other people), but you know when you really like someone and things are almost but not quite perfect and it's hard to really be involved with anyone else?

I think I need a push, I do really like him, things are splendid, but the "children situation" is looming over me like a sword of Damocles and I'm not motivated enough to end things definitively - even though he knows I'm considering other options he is still very available/nice which is a problem?

We haven't had a major situation with the children yet so it's sort of the tip of the iceberg but a couple of cases of "sorry, X needs to come over tonight why??? so our plans are off")

I'm starting to make catty comments and it isn't how I want to be Sad I don't want to be involved in the parenting dynamics as I'm childless myself.

I'm generally happy being single and lots going on in my own life

(that's part of the problem in a way - I get the vibe DP wants to be on call for his adult children "until they reject him" and then just parachute into this new life that I've built myself, which I think will lead to major resentment?)

Can everyone PLEASE give me a stern talking to, advice, slap with wet fish etc? I need motivation.

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 13/12/2014 03:08

YANBU.

When I was dating my criteria before I even looked at another man was that he couldn't have any kids. Dated one guy, he was nice, showed me a picture of his daughter, and I dropped him pretty quick.

I wanted no part in someone else's family. I wanted my own.

That said, I'd just dump him and get it over with. There's plenty of nice childless men out there that will see you being a couple as a priority.

CariadsDarling · 13/12/2014 03:36

suitcase you said this That's the trouble, I can see us having a shot at building a very good independent life together if timing lines up.

I really do just want to say that due to your upbringing and sadly being alone so to speak since you were 16 I would imagine you have been the centre of your universe for a very long time.

I can't see a life for you with this man because what comes across from you is that a life would not involve his children, and that can never be. And if thats what you hope for in your independent life together can you not see that you are replicating for his children what you had - a life with no parent in it. That said I really dont believe this man would fall for it, and if he even attempted to cut things down a bit with his kids once they leave uni you would never have a peaceful life. The fallout caused by him not being able to be the father he wants to be, the children still wanting the father they had, and you wanting to be the centre of his universe would make for a whole lot of upset.

I suspect that even if you dont end up this man you will always have problems in a relationship unless you get the counselling you need that hopefully will help you understand what family is, as well give you a better understanding of how unreasonably 'self focused' people can be at times and why.

Bulbasaur · 13/12/2014 03:41

CariadsDarling But why get counseling when she has you giving her an arm chair analysis for free? Grin

She doesn't need counseling because she doesn't want to be weighed down by someone else's excess baggage. She just needs to find someone more compatible with. It is possible to find a person who is both charming and childless you know.

sykadelic · 13/12/2014 04:15

I don't think you sound mean at all OP, but I do think you've answered your own question several times and wish it wasn't the case.

FWIW I don't think that kids should always come first. It depends entirely on the situation. If I have plans and their need isn't urgent, then it can wait a couple of hours. Running to their beck and call isn't healthy, you are your own person as well.

That said, that is the way he chooses to parent. That i his choice and he has children, adults, but still children. This isn't going to change. There will still be phone calls, visits, birthdays, Christmas, weddings, babies (grand kids), dramas that may mean they need to move back in with dad for a while...etc etc. Growing up means the relationship changes, it doesn't go away...

Are you sure that you don't want it and that it's not just fear talking? Have you considered the possibility that it could be great to have his kids in your life, or do you genuinely have no interest in that (which is totally fine).

If you 100% know that kids of any age aren't for you, then he's not the guy for you. They will always be in his life in some way. He will probably always drop your plans to help them out. Best to leave sooner rather than later.

CariadsDarling · 13/12/2014 04:21

Bulbasaur - perhaps personal experience of being on my own at a very young age and only now at 57 am I sorting some of 'it' out in my heart and my head has given me a bit of an insight into the OP. But that said - Im glad I gave you a laugh :D

Is it possible to be charming and childless etc - yep, that would have been my almost 40 year old until very very recently.

CariadsDarling · 13/12/2014 04:23

Bulbasaur, Im not even sure what your post was about but like I said Im glad I made you laugh. :)

Coyoacan · 13/12/2014 04:30

Mmm, these "children" are not children though, are they OP? Some people just don't click with children or find them too much hard work, but as they are young adults, what exactly is your problem with them? As someone else said, they are his family and he is not indifferent to them, but with another man it could be his mother or father or a disabled brother, or you could get a man who is a total wanker and has no sense of responsability to the other people in his life.

He sounds nice and you sound like you appreciate him. If I were you I wouldn't throw away a good relationship for this reason.

ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer · 13/12/2014 04:37

Ditch him now before you get any further involved. It will be harder to leave the longer you leave it.

Find someone who can love you with all their heart, not just fill in the gaps when his children aren't around.

This thread will probably descend into a nasty little bitchfest anyway.

OP, I'm behind you 100% and I think you're a nice person. You are just weighing up the pros and cons of a man who will never love you properly because someone else has beaten you to it i.e. the children's mother.

Even if he no longer has a relationship with her or she has has passed away she will have provided him with his children. One thing you probably won't do I'm guessing. Don't spend the rest of your life being second best to her.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 13/12/2014 04:50

If you end things with him what do you envisage happening? I mean are you planning on remaining single, sticking to no strings dating or are you wanting to find a full relationship?

The reason I ask is that most people of a certain age have commitments, not all, but most. His commitments are likely to get less onerous in a relatively short space of time although, realistically, they'll never go. Things like family Christmas, Grandchildren and so on are things that will have to be accepted - and welcomed ideally.

I just think you've found someone you really like, someone you can see a future with. That's a big thing to give up. How much do you think you're history is stopping you seeing a way forward here? Is this something you're prepared to lose because of that history?

Fwiw, I think he sounds a touch over involved but, if he's been single and focused on his dc for some time, that's often the way. For me the unknown is whether he can find a balance that is going to be enough for you.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 13/12/2014 04:55

Chocolate what a ridiculous thing to say, so silly it's funny actually. Yes op, run now because every single father idolises the mother of his dc and no one can ever offer more than a child. .... in bizarro world

LaRaclette · 13/12/2014 05:12

Cariads - I agree entirely with your posts. After reading the OP's post, I felt that there was a sad background even before OP told us of the childhood abuse. Nobody could remain unscarred by this and it is not at all surprising that OP finds it difficult to relate to family and what is normal within a family context. Of course she feels fear and wants to control the situation and not expose herself to any further hurt or rejection.

This doesn't sound like the right person for OP, unfortunately, and yes, she should walk away before getting further involved.

Darkandstormynight · 13/12/2014 05:19

Yabu, you don't need motivation, you need a new partner!

This was me 20 years ago. I was dating a man with two adorable kids...I didn't have any. I had no clue and the best thing he did was break up with me a pnd find someone who did.

I have kids now and I can honestly say that for me personally, I never got it until I had my own!

Darkandstormynight · 13/12/2014 05:24

Sorry should have been YANBU!

DrCarolineTodd · 13/12/2014 08:08

"It's not nice to not understand parents are there for their children for life."

This is one of the most stupid comments I've ever read on MN. The OP is a survivor of abuse. The thing about abuse survivors is that we don't know what's normal, we have to learn these things because they are not normal or familiar or to be taken for granted.

It's not nice to confuse people not knowing something with some kind of presumed value judgement about why they have apparently decided not to know.

Backinthering · 13/12/2014 08:31

OP I can sympathise. I would never have got involved with someone with children. I like to come first and I make no apologies for that.
It does sound a bit excessive that your plans get dumped for non urgent needs from grown children.

Pensionerpeep · 13/12/2014 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inkspellme · 13/12/2014 08:49

I think your relationship is not going to work because you have different values. there is nothing wrong with either lifestyle but they aren't compatible. The children are always going to be there and it doesn't sound like they or him want to have a more detached relationship. His offspring are part of him and I don't think you can have a relationship with him without ending up having some sort of relationship with them too. if you feel you don't even want to meet them it limits the relationship to a forever casual one but it sounds like you could really fall for this guy and it wouldn't be just a casual thing.

six - you make ridiculous comments. the op sounds very nice and very honest.

Hatespiders · 13/12/2014 08:55

I admire the OP for being honest about herself and for deeply considering her stance on all this. It would have been so easy for someone less reflective to carry on the rl (since she likes the man) and walk into trouble at a later date.

She's not being 'not nice' or 'selfish', just honest and fair.
I think on balance OP you should end this relationship and continue with your happy and fulfilled single life, being open to maybe meeting a man later on who has no dc or other commitments.

Hissy · 13/12/2014 09:07

to be honest, there's a lot of shit from posters I had thought were better than that.

I agree that the OP has bEen very mindful and present to post this, and she's damned right to.

as parents we are there for our children, but seriously, when they are at uni and adults, there are times when we might need to say, 'I have plans tonight son, but tomorrow i'm free'

OP, you've been with him 6m and he's still not giving you the 'i'm serious' signals as he's allowing your plans with him to be hurled under the bus every time his children pipe up.

that's a poor lesson for them too!

I love my ds, and will be there for him for as long as he needs me, but even at 9, he knows that sometimes I have to make space in my life for myself and what I need to do. it's no reflection on what I feel for him, and he totally gets this.

Hissy · 13/12/2014 09:09

so yes love, you should end it, it's not the kind of relationship you need it to be, and you do deserve to be priority sometimes.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 13/12/2014 09:13

His kids sound pretty needy and he sounds a bit OTT but that's how he parents and he's not likely to change so cut your losses.

WhaddayWant · 13/12/2014 09:27

He sounds normal
His relationship with his kids sounds normal
His kids sound normal
And you sound normal. YANBU

It's a different strokes for different folks thing isn't it? I think you are doing the right thing to address it now. It would be silly to carry on dating him. Make the break up as agreeable as possible and move on.

Hope everything works out one way or another.

Chunderella · 13/12/2014 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 13/12/2014 10:09

Finally someone said it!

Writing off a whole month to help & cook for an adult seems way OTT!

There's a middle ground between doing nothing & everything for your "kids"!

HermioneWeasley · 13/12/2014 10:13

Agree with others - the way he chooses to parent his kids is not compatible with what you want