AIBU to ask for motivation on finishing with DP due to children?

[suitcaseofdoom]

I've been going out with someone for about six months who has children. I'm childfree by choice

I think I just can't do it?

It's not a value judgement at all but I'm already pissed off (even though they're at the latter stages of uni he seems to have a bit of a "drop everything and run" attitude to them - like they expect him to help with their uni homework etc) and I get the vibe he's going to be at their beck and call indefinitely.

Which is fine, but not working for me. I haven't met them and don't want to (he has offered and they know about me but I'm not interested )

We've agreed to go casual (as in I'm dating other people), but you know when you really like someone and things are almost but not quite perfect and it's hard to really be involved with anyone else?

I think I need a push, I do really like him, things are splendid, but the "children situation" is looming over me like a sword of Damocles and I'm not motivated enough to end things definitively - even though he knows I'm considering other options he is still very available/nice which is a problem?

We haven't had a major situation with the children yet so it's sort of the tip of the iceberg but a couple of cases of "sorry, X needs to come over tonight why??? so our plans are off")

I'm starting to make catty comments and it isn't how I want to be I don't want to be involved in the parenting dynamics as I'm childless myself.

I'm generally happy being single and lots going on in my own life

(that's part of the problem in a way - I get the vibe DP wants to be on call for his adult children "until they reject him" and then just parachute into this new life that I've built myself, which I think will lead to major resentment?)

Can everyone PLEASE give me a stern talking to, advice, slap with wet fish etc? I need motivation.

I don't think his relationship with his children sounds normal or desirable. Surely it is the job of a parent to raise one's children to be independent as adults? I don't mean unsupported & refusing to help out in a disaster )or even just because you want to) but not leaving DD on her own overnight, helping her with her homework and cooking all her meals for the month does not sound a healthy relationship with an adult child. As am employer (as well as a parent) I see far too many young adults coming into the workplace expecting to be spoon fed by an employer as if they were still 5 years old and the employer is treated as a parent substitute.

Having now judged his parenting style which is not what the thread is about. Let us move to the original question:

OP you are not abnormal - you recognise and appreciate the parent-child bond but do not want it in your relationships. As I see so often on MN - your body, your choice. However this relationship does not suit your emotional needs now and you are gambling on things changing so they do in the future. Don't take that gamble, take responsibility for being in a relationship that suits both parties, this one will end with you resenting your boyfriend & his children and he & his children resenting you as your individual pictures of family dynamics are so different.

Whether your picture of a family dynamic is healthy or based on fear from prior experience is another thread and not one for AIBU in my opinion.

I think you have had a bit of a hard time here OP

No, it is not normal for a partner to be completely unavailable for a whole month because they are "looking after" an adult child who is healthy but just wants their father at their "beck and call"

Fuck that for a game of soldiers I would be off!

He sounds like an excellent dad. you should finish things and let him find someone else who is more open to the commitments of being a parent. You should find yourself someone childless.

Whether his relationship with his kids is normal or not is irrelevant. Fact is, it's unlikely to change and if OP tries to change it she will either not succeed and be disappointed or succeed but end up resented by her DP or his kids for reducing their very close relationship.

OP I think you are very self aware and being very reasonable. You know the answer here, unfortunately it's not want you wanted but better to realise that and split than spend years trying to gently prise him away from his children and making you all unhappy.

Umm, love the way some posters are making assumptions about the Dad. 'Helping' with his DDs Uni work could mean anything and if she is working extremely hard he might want to treat her to some nice home cooked food over xmas. It doesn't mean he is 'infantilising' ( the in favourite Mumsnet word) her.

My DC are going to be home from uni over xmas and I will be happily spoiling them a bit. If they had a huge and important project I'd probably help them out with doing their laundry and cooking for them too. I know that doesn't fit into the typical Mumsnet expectations that young adults should be down 't pit and living in a cardboard box under rather than being spoilt by parents.

Saying that the OPs BF could be over indulgent as hell but there is NO WAY of telling that from the OPs posts.

I'd also wonder if the OPs BF is using the DD as an excuse to cool things down as it does seem a bit of an odd excuse.

Sorry for bad grammar......

It's not nice to not understand parents are there for their children for life

Not true in any way, shape or form. There comes a time when adult children take a back burner, and you should be able to get on with your own life without fear of total dominance or interruption by them!

If you have a partner, then you have a duty to them as well.........and sometimes the partner DOES come first.

I think OP is right - get out OP because, if this is your partner's attitude to his children (that he must ask how high to jump) then your relationship will always come second,............and so will you.

wow! some people really don't get that being bitchy isn't adding value to anything in life is it?

there isn't anything wrong with a father wanting to help his child achieve something, but droipping adult plans for the sake of it isn't at all polite or considerate.

you'd not do it to a mate, let alone someone you want to have a long term dare I say 'grown up' relationship with.

kids do come first in a parent's life. BUT not exclusively, and not to the detriment of everything and everyone else.

there is no reason why his dd couldn't/shouldn't stay at her dads, even for a month, but she would have to understand that -as a normal functioning adult - he would have a life, pre-planned commitments and things HE wants to do.

if she can't cook for herself/stay in a house alone for an evening or 2 then her parents have seriously failed her in life, and she will have an unpleasant wake up call sooner or later.

even when the parents of a child are in a relationship together, the child does have to understand that they don't come first ALL the time; that sometimes Mum and Dad will get a sitter and go out together, alone, that time together as adults is very important to them both, as much as time as a family.

OP is NBU here. not in the slightest.

When I read your other thread I thought you sounded a bit selfish but I feel differently reading this one and your further replies.

I don't think there's a right or wrong here, I think he is OTT writing off a whole month for his DD and I think you're a bit OTT in your judgment of his relationship with his children.

I don't think it's make or break though, you should discuss these things with him and give it a fair go before you decide to call it a day.

I spent years NC with my parents for similar reasons as yourself and when I first set up home with DP I found his family very intrusive but the truth was it was just a different set up to what I was used to. I've been able to quash my ideas of how people "should" be, if that makes any sense.

many Thanks for all the replies and perspectives and support.

I think we'll stay good friends as I don't want to lose him from my life - we have loads in common and I really don't have enough people I feel very emotionally close to which is why I suppose I'm feeling more clingy than usual (he's happy with this option).

and sort of keep on each others radar but I'll make a point of getting on with my own stuff and actively pursue building up my social life and dating others (no more men with children for me hmmmmm!)

There were some interesting points made about maybe being open to other peoples family situations (as in how I'd cope with elderly parents, etc?)

I suppose I feel like I've turned a predicament into a virtue by changing my NC situation with my abusive family into a "me, me, ME" kind of lifestyle dedicated to myself and pursuing my vocation, which is awesome and not something I want to give up easily, but of course I may have to consider if someone I love or partner up with has more commitments, how I'd deal with this?

which is something to think about as life goes on, although for now I'm just keeping my head afloat until 2015 with other stuff!

thanks again.

Glad it all helped x

ToMuchCantBreathe - Thank you for your comments but your screen name says it all really.

How many men have whined, 'she's the mother of my kids' meaninglessly to someone else when referring to the breeding partner he no longer has (any intention of having) a relationship with.

Chocolate wtf are you talking about?