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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH left 3yr old DD in bed whilst picking up older kids from school play

86 replies

Anonmum40 · 12/12/2014 23:35

So I had very important work event last night, left DH in charge of kids. Found out that he left our 3yo DD in bed asleep to pick up older ones from school play. Feel sick thinking about it, am I over reacting, it was a spur of the moment thing, really not sure how to play this one, would be grateful of honest opinions and advice.

OP posts:

Darkandstormynight · 13/12/2014 05:32

I would have a fit and a half! After my rage, believe me he'd never do that again! I've never left ds in the house alone before the age of 11 and that was only a few moments at a time. Why if she woke up and he wasn't there? She'd be terrified!
Very bad.

Darkandstormynight · 13/12/2014 05:37

Just read that he feels awful about it...IMO that's good. He realized it and won't do it again.

Waltonswatcher · 13/12/2014 05:40

He knew he had to go out, he knew he had space issues . It should never have happened .
I would struggle to get over this . Fire,choking,burglar ... These things happen .
I can't believe anyone would do that .

Lottiedoubtie · 13/12/2014 05:47

OP whilst I'd be horrified and angry in your shoes I think taking the middle ground of ensuring it doesn't happen again but not being hysterical over it is sensible.

Although the poster who thinks walking with your child (as opposed to them walking alone) makes them obese has given me a good 'night feed' laugh, so thanks for that!

3bunnies · 13/12/2014 06:08

He made the wrong choice, he realises that now and he is sorry.

I have never left my dc alone in the house and even though the oldest is now nine the furthest I would go is to drop something into a neighbours house because I wouldn't want her responsible for her younger dc. However 'back in the day' I was left asleep in bed EVERY DAY while my mother went the 15 mins to collect my sister from school. I am not that old. It was fairly normal then. My parents if anything were a bit prim and sticklers for rules.

I am sure that some of the change in culture came from examples when it didn't go well and children did have accidents and died. In the same way little dc did used to walk alone to school, which I think is much worse. My mother proudly says that she used to take and meet my sister and I half way on the mile walk to school when we were in infants, most other parents didn't bother.

If you and dh have never had that chat before he might be basing his decisions on his experiences of childhood and what happened when he was younger. You have now had that discussion, nothing did happen, I think that unless he exercises other examples of poor judgement then you need to try to get beyond it and just make sure that you agree on other aspects of child safety in the future.

Mehitabel6 · 13/12/2014 07:00

I don't understand why you both hadn't discussed the problem beforehand and decided who you could ask to have a sitter for 30 mins. Did you both just forget that it would be past her bedtime? I used to have that problem if my DH was away and I wouldn't have left a child alone or got them out of bed, I got a neighbour to sit in for a short while. It just seems odd that neither of you saw the problem until he got to it and he went for the wrong choice.

tobysmum77 · 13/12/2014 07:09

I think he shouldn't have left her. But when I compare to dh's worst parenting misjudgement it doesn't seem as bad. He let dd (20 months) go on a sledge with a 3.5 year old. He really is a great dad honestly but omg the other child's mother and me were with horror.

Everyone makes mistakes, you learn from them and move on.

estya · 13/12/2014 07:20

Yes, I've come on to say that's what people did when we were kids. I know someone in another country who's done it a few times. definitely a big NO for me but dh did once suggest he collect me from the station with dd in bed.

re the house could have burned down. I think it's more likely they the car would be in a car accident so I don't think it's that sort of risk that we are trying to avoid when we wouldn't leave our kids alone in the house.

To me it's the risk of them waking up and finding themselves alone and no one coming when they cry for 15 mins. Must be scary for a 3yo.

And then the feeling of being a long way away and that they are vulnerable. But I do expect the risk of being in a car is greater than the risk of being in a house.

PrettyLittleMitty · 13/12/2014 07:37

coyoacan the child was obese because his mother walked him to school? Really?

TimelyNameChangey · 13/12/2014 07:40

It was very wrong but don't panic. He needs telling obviously...about what social services would do and say if the knew

But just to put it into context, my friend's DH is a HT...a very bright and kind man and one weekend when she was at work, he went to the shop for the paper leaving their then 5 and 3 year olds watching tv alone!

She was absolutely mad about this ....he knows now what she would do if he did it again.

Nomama · 13/12/2014 08:14

Social Services would, in this instance, give the advice that he shouldn't do it again. That's it!

Silly bugger seems to have realised his error, hopefully OPs heart has stopped hammering. All's well that end's well, and all that.

Branleuse · 13/12/2014 08:20

its not ideal but its 15 mins. I would ask him not to do it again but he was there alone so had to make an emergency decision that was his call to make

Bakeoffcakes · 13/12/2014 08:32

He was very lucky it was only 15 mins.
That's driving to the school, finding a parking space, waiting for the event to finish, getting the children together (4 of them if they filled the car), driving to other houses, dropping them off then driving back to your house. Sorry but I would'nt believe that it only took 15 mins.

18yearsoftrying · 13/12/2014 18:50

Wouldn't the NSPCC see this is neglect?

I know of someone who left their toddler in a car outside the pharmacist to run in & get a prescription for that little person. The parent was arrested by police waiting by his car.

18yearsoftrying · 13/12/2014 18:51

"As neglect".

raltheraffe · 13/12/2014 18:55

Well according to Gerry McCann it is within the bounds of reasonable parenting

fluffyraggies · 13/12/2014 18:56

FOUR year olds walking to school alone?

Boomtownsurprise · 13/12/2014 18:57

As it turned out ok and he appears to have been dwelling on it and regretting it then after a discussion on why it was "A BAD IDEA" I'd drop it.

But I'm afraid I might not relax quite the same ever again.

dotdotdotmustdash · 13/12/2014 19:00

My OH once admitted to me that a stranger had come to the door with our Ds18m as she had watched him wander out of the front door and down the street. He hadn't even noticed him missing. OH was suitably shocked and it didn't happen again. Our marriage has survived.

madwomanbackintheattic · 13/12/2014 19:03

What was the original plan?

You knew you were going to be out.

You knew the school play finished after dd's bedtime and that dh was going to have a car full with no room for dd.

Who was supposed to be watching her at this point? It was always going to be I possible for him to take her with him, so what had you (you both of you, not you op) planned for dd while op was at party and dh was being chauffeur?

madwomanbackintheattic · 13/12/2014 19:04

Impossible.

Stealthpolarbear · 13/12/2014 19:04

I'm fairly sure the people who are asking the op why she hadn't asked about and pre-approved her dhs plans before going out wouldn't be doing this if it were the other way round and the op had left her child alone while dh was out

dotdotdotmustdash · 13/12/2014 19:04

My Dm was a single parent who worked full-time (1970s). My Db and I used to walk home together from the ages of 5 and 7 and our neighbour would let us into our house to wait till Mum came home at 5.30pm.

I don't remember there ever being any issues in the house, we just put the tv on and had a biscuit, but the walk home was through the city centre and past the sleeping drunks outside the homeless shelter.

raltheraffe · 13/12/2014 19:08

Same thing happened to me dotdot, however on one occasion a guy stopped and tried repeatedly to get me to voluntarily get into his car as he was worried about me and wanted to drive me home. I went ballistic screaming and he drove off.

He could have been a concerned passer-by or he could have been a paedo, I will never know.

Mehitabel6 · 13/12/2014 19:21

Of course I would ask the other way around! Why is it different? There are 2 parents, they are going to have to pick up after a bedtime and for some reason they have never discussed it.

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