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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or should Christmas Day be renamed Control Day

79 replies

ohweeeell · 11/12/2014 08:35

Is it just me or does Christmas Day seem to be all about control?

MIL has thrown huge hissy fit because we are not spending the entire day with her, we also have FIL to see and my parents, yet we have been branded "selfish" for not spending the full day with her? Wouldn't that be a bit selfish, to just spend it with 1 of our 4 parents? She has been advised that we will come to see her and the others, its not exactly our idea of a perfect day, squeezing everyone in but don't feel its fair to leave anyone out, they would all like to see DD in particular. My DH is also only off on Christmas Day due to the nature of his work so we don't really have the option to even spread it out over the eve/day/boxing day.

Then, on a work lunch with colleagues, one of my colleagues tells me that she and her parents are going to impose on her brother, his wife & DC on Christmas Day, they haven't been invited, they have told her brother they are coming round. The reason being that if her brother comes to her parents with his wife and the children, one of them will drive and "leave too early", if they go to his "we can stay as long as we like, they have no choice in us being there all night". I get that they want to see their DGC/DNs but is it necessary to set up camp at their house all day and night, why is it not acceptable that they come visit and leave when is convenient if that's what they want to do?

AIBU? does anyone else find this kind of behaviour really controlling or is this just "normal" Christmas madness?

OP posts:

Original poster

ohweeeell · 11/12/2014 21:17

My parents have said they will come to us as it is easier (DD has everything she needs here and they don't mind driving, the hour long journey will likely take half the time due to empty roads) which we hugely appreciate. DHs father has also said he may come to us but it depends on the timings (still trying to sort out who we are seeing when on the day).

As for MIL it's actually easier for us to go to her, she lives locally and although I don't mind having her round along with DHs grandparents, BIL, SIL in general, I am put off because the last time they came here on Christmas they were an hour late and stayed for about 5 hours, meaning DD missed her nap (quite young and too excited to go down with a house full of people) and was then grumpy for visit from my parents, they also stayed for about an hour after my parents arrived, which is fine, it's not a "one in, one out system" but they got their time with DD, to see her open presents etc, my parents arrived to a houseful of people and a bit of an audience, if that makes sense? Pleasantries and a drink all together is nice but I felt bad, like it ate into their time, as my parents also had other family members to see after us.

Like pps have said it's unfair on the DC when they get dragged around, they just want to play with their toys, even worse if they aren't even getting the chance to open them!

OP posts:

RaisingMen · 11/12/2014 21:18

Somethingfunny is it too late to cancel? That sounds awful, why did you agree to it in the first place? We don't get many Christmasses where our little ones believe in the magic of Santa, spend them how you want to.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 11/12/2014 21:36

So much underlying tension and people pleasing here at the sacrifice of children's and parents happiness.

We told our older ones to do what they like at Christmas. They are welcome here or to stay at their homes or whatever. As long as they are happy.

We won't go insane when we are grandparents either.

Bunbaker · 11/12/2014 21:42

I hope I won't be making demands on DD when she is old enough to decide where she wants to spend Christmas.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 11/12/2014 21:47

We are being forced to leave our house early in the morning Unless someone is holding an actual gun to your head this just isn't true is it?

Stand up for yourself! Say no!

Glad you got it partly resolved OP. Have a lovely day

Bunbaker · 11/12/2014 21:48

Surely no-one is forced to leave their house early on Christmas morning, unless you get a dawn raid from the boys in blue.

Stand your ground and have the Christmas you and your family want.

bloodyteenagers · 11/12/2014 22:10

Haven't done the Christmas Day family crap since I was 15.
Was nc with family until I was 19, following year I was told how they where coming to me, and gave a huge list of their demands. Laughed and said not a freakin chance. If I agreed would have hosted around 20. Sod that.
Tried it again years later. Threatened to come. Said more than welcome to come to an empty house.
Persistent fuckers tried again a few years back. Actually followed through on their threats and showed up. Sent them away.. Even with pleas of can't we just come in for a drink? We won't be long. Just need to use the toilet and be gone. Nope.

You want a quiet time, tell them and be firm. They don't like it? Tough. They wanna sulk? Let them. Won't talk to you? Surely that's the bonus christmas present

Janethegirl · 11/12/2014 22:25

My PILS are dead so it's not a problem but other family members can cause equal stresses on the day.
My solution is a bottle of champagne per hour until you're relaxed ( ok I don't get the whole bottle, I've got to share it ) and then the rest of the day sorts itself or I'm too pissed to care

Gawjushun · 11/12/2014 23:10

Somethingfunny -- If I were in your shoes, one of my DCs would suddenly be stricken with a vomiting bug on the night of the 23rd. Oh dear, guess you'll have to stay at home! Are your kids young enough to not rat you out?

kickassangel · 13/12/2014 02:33

My mother was clearly upset when I sounded relaxed on the phone and told her that I wa reading last year. Apparently, it is far too busy on Christmas day to have time to sit down. I told her that the turkey could look after itself.

Obviously Christmas Day is meant to be spent in te kitchen being stressed.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 13/12/2014 06:21

YANBU! DB and his wife started up a three year rotation back when they first had DCs and my sister and I didn't. One year with our parents, one year with SILs parents and one year at their own house (which they expected our parents to go to). Now we all have DCs, the three year rotation is still in place and woe betide my DB or I if we encroach on two out of the three years our parents are at DBs!!

vvviola · 13/12/2014 06:46

We drive for 2 hours on Christmas morning to go the MIL's house. All as a way of keeping some control of our Christmas.

Without it she would take over santa (or decide there were to be no presents until Boxing Day which is what she suggested for this year).

As it is, we arrive there, spend maybe an hour there, then have to go to her sister's house with the rest of the family (who with a few notable exceptions are very lovely but very different from DH and myself). We sit on plastic chairs on the porch eating a buffet on our laps, which never includes turkey or ham (admittedly it is summer here). I usually have to bring food for DD2, as MIL considers it inappropriate to ask family members what is in the food (and I won't take "I'm sure it's fine" where allergies are concerned). We are all then told to go home for an afternoon nap (good luck with that with 2 small children in a tiny house) and come back for dessert and party games at 7pm (when the children are ready for bed).

It's all just so unchristmassy and there's no way we could suggest changes or not being there for parts (although none of the cousins come back for the party game stuff, which is pretty much an adults only thing - but MIL insists we must be there and that's that).

It's draining and it makes me feel like Christmas just lasts the 2 hours between when the kids get up and when we get in the car.

Bunbaker · 13/12/2014 07:52

"and there's no way we could suggest changes or not being there for parts"

Why not? Why can't you both stand up to her and do Christmas the way you want to just for once.

baskingseals · 13/12/2014 08:02

former babe.

Idontseeanysontarans · 13/12/2014 08:04

My mil was actually pleased when I put my foot down about Christmas Day - lots of things came out - including the fact that for many years she was being pushed into hosting by another family member who fancied themselves as the Matriarch of the family - it was apparently 'what the wife does', ie: cook for and run around after everyone all day.it made me quite sad that she lost so many Christmases to stress all because of her own mil. Now she either just cooks for herself and FIL or goes to one of us and we do it

Hassled · 13/12/2014 08:06

"Passive aggressive martyr Day" has made me laugh, because that's been me at Christmas. I'm determined to make this year "Stop giving so much of a fuck and just relax Day".

vvviola · 13/12/2014 08:24

To be fair, and I forgot to mention as I got a bit carried away in my rant - this is the last time we'll have to do it for the foreseeable future. We're emigrating in January. It's the only reason I'm not putting my foot down more (I've already put my foot down over Christmas morning, the presents on Boxing Day and stay in in MIL's for 2 whole weeks instead of 2 days.)

I'm also telling myself it will be truly awful and hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

Sylvana · 13/12/2014 08:24

We spend Christmas day with our DC in our own home too, opening our presents, lazy breakfast, myself and DH preparing dinner, big roaring fire, movies. We see family before and after Christmas Day. Travelling to spend part of the day with different parents would be my biggest nightmare. Decide what YOU want to do OP, tell the others your decision and stick to it.

tobysmum77 · 13/12/2014 08:27

yabu. I think that people let their parents continue to treat them like children when they are in fact adults.

I have young children. I refuse to spend the day with them in the car being driven around leaving their new toys at home. For me Christmas is primarily for the children.

So we for the next few years will be going nowhere! Parents are welcome to come to us on the day or we will visit boxing day etc.

Op you need to set boundaries you are happy with and relax and enjoy Christmas

Sylvana · 13/12/2014 08:32

I will never make such demands on my children either. Then can decide to do whatever they want as well.

gamerchick · 13/12/2014 09:05

So many selfish parents of adult kids here. It makes me feel quite sad.

Our Christmas is being threatened due to family demands.. namely trying to ban one of my kids because they dont feel comfortable or rather the favourite Sil doesnt and blame her for the turmoil on the family.

Asking me to turn my back on one of my kids and me very loudly saying no is stewing a huge row. How fucking dare they put me in that position.

Although I had to laugh at being told to choose between them and someone I gave birth to.

On the bright side it made me do big cry which was a huge relief because I haven't been able to all year... letting it all out felt dammed good

HamPortCourt · 13/12/2014 09:36

*VViola "there's no way we could suggest changes or not being there for parts (although none of the cousins come back for the party game stuff, which is pretty much an adults only thing - but MIL insists we must be there and that's that). "

Read that back to yourself - are you going for Martyr of the Year or something?

Of course you don't have to go. You are an independent adult with free will. Life is short. Do you really want to spend it being bossed about and being miserable? what a tragic waste.

Charitybelle · 13/12/2014 09:46

This thread has really helped me gather my courage to tackle my DH about future Christmases so thank you everybody.
We currently alternate between parents (mine live abroad and his mum lives half an hour away. My parents are very chilled about Christmas and my mum has been actively encouraging me to start our own family Christmas now we have dc, but my mil is a widow and my dh won't contemplate a Christmas at home whilst she's down the road. She's not on her own, he does have siblings who go to her too although, bil and sil also alternate with her folks.
Last year my parents came to us, and I was looking forward to hosting my first ever Christmas at my house, but DH guilted me into getting us all to go to mil's for the day, saying it was rude and weird not to spend it together as she is 'just down the road'. We went to hers as she has a much bigger house and is too lazy to leave it but essentially I gave in for an easy life. I feel awful thinking about it now as my parents were very gracious but they really didn't enjoy spending their Christmas Day in my mil's house making small talk with people they don't know that well, all because I couldn't locate my spine .
I think my mum has been permanently put off coming to us again which I feel very sad about as I do love Christmas with my family.
I actually get on alright with my mil but reading this thread has brought it home to me how crazy it is to pack up two kids and trek over to hers every Christmas to spend the day in a way I wouldn't choose (their idea of Christmas is v different to mine) when really at this point in our lives we should be starting our own family traditions with our kids in their own home. As pp have said, this is something our parents got to do with us, why are we denying ourselves the opportunity to do it with our kids? I think NCT year I will say I'm doing Christmas at home and the in laws are more than welcome to come over for present opening and brunch in the morning it for a drink in the evening, but we won't be going out at all. Actually getting excited thinking about it. Don't think DH will be happy about it, but I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation when you have young dc. It's not like I'm leaving his mum on her own, she's got other family and she's welcome to come here if she wants can be arsed to leave her house
Thank you MNetters! Wish me luck!

vvviola · 13/12/2014 18:02

HamPort did you see my other post? In my rant I'd forgotten to mention that it's the last time we are having to do it in a while. We're emigrating in January.

If we weren't I'd have geared up for a bit more of a battle (which would have been utterly horrendous)

HamPortCourt · 13/12/2014 18:53

Sorry vviola

I can see why you are emigrating Best of luck

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