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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or should Christmas Day be renamed Control Day

79 replies

ohweeeell · 11/12/2014 08:35

Is it just me or does Christmas Day seem to be all about control?

MIL has thrown huge hissy fit because we are not spending the entire day with her, we also have FIL to see and my parents, yet we have been branded "selfish" for not spending the full day with her? Wouldn't that be a bit selfish, to just spend it with 1 of our 4 parents? She has been advised that we will come to see her and the others, its not exactly our idea of a perfect day, squeezing everyone in but don't feel its fair to leave anyone out, they would all like to see DD in particular. My DH is also only off on Christmas Day due to the nature of his work so we don't really have the option to even spread it out over the eve/day/boxing day.

Then, on a work lunch with colleagues, one of my colleagues tells me that she and her parents are going to impose on her brother, his wife & DC on Christmas Day, they haven't been invited, they have told her brother they are coming round. The reason being that if her brother comes to her parents with his wife and the children, one of them will drive and "leave too early", if they go to his "we can stay as long as we like, they have no choice in us being there all night". I get that they want to see their DGC/DNs but is it necessary to set up camp at their house all day and night, why is it not acceptable that they come visit and leave when is convenient if that's what they want to do?

AIBU? does anyone else find this kind of behaviour really controlling or is this just "normal" Christmas madness?

OP posts:

bigbluestars · 11/12/2014 15:13

People can only control if you allow them to.

Do what you want at christmas.

MrsKoala · 11/12/2014 15:21

Ex mil was like this. We were together ages before we married and after 3 years living together were still expected there every yearas 'Christmas is for family' fuck my family tho apparently, they didn't really count, and conveniently not for family to visit us, so we were expected to drive 5 hours and sleep apart as weren't married. When we said they were welcome to us or we would only go if we could be in the same room we were accused of blackmailing them and holding Christmas to ransom

Now i have the opposite. My parents like to have Christmas to get shitfaced just the 2 of them, my sister says she's too busy to see any of us and pils don't care much or ever visit us. It mean see see no one.we have no friends locally. I watch the adverts and hear everyone talking about being festive and busy with loads of friends and family etc and I just don't recognise everyone else's perception of Xmas at all. Even as a child it was just me and mum and dad getting pissed

HappyAgainOneDay · 11/12/2014 15:27

GreenEyedMonster Write a list of what has to be done and work out a time for each job. Prepare everything (peel, stuff, roll, mix) the day before (or even before that if you can). Lay the table a couple of days before. Get out all relevant pots and pans, cooking fat, basting spoons, forks for poking. Put water in pans etc the day before. Enrol Persuade members of your family who live with you to pitch in. Give them all a job no matter how small. It'll work even down to switching on the Christmas tree lights.

Especially have a timetable for Christmas Day!

Gawjushun · 11/12/2014 15:30

Happy MIL-obligation day everyone! She has three children, yet spends every xmas with us, because SIL lives miles away and MIL doesn't want to be a burden on her, and because BIL is a selfish cunt with a controlling, crazy ass wife who will only allow him one day a year with his side of the family. I wish I could be hard-hearted and let her spend it alone, not least because she's ungrateful and does nothing but act like a sad sack and moan about how skint she is (yet lives in a mortgage free 4 bed house in one of the most desirable areas of the SE). I just know DH would be upset and unable to enjoy xmas if he thought about his mum alone in her unheated house.

Her taxi is booked for 5pm, and I will be getting back into my pyjamas and cracking open a bottle of cava the second she's out the door!

Aebj · 11/12/2014 15:40

We've done the move to Australia thing to. Best thing ever????

Bunbaker · 11/12/2014 15:40

"People need to get better at saying no. We all worry too much about offending relatives, who have no hesitation with offending us."

I totally agree. MN is full of threads about spineless husbands/partners who refuse to stick up for their wives/girlfriends, and dare I say it, posters themselves who need to be more assertive about Christmas.

We live hundreds of miles away from both families and it was understood from the day we got married that we would alternate Christmas between the two families. When DD was born we stayed put and said that anyone who wanted to see us could come and stay with us.

bigbluestars · 11/12/2014 15:56

aebj- good for you. Unfortunately I am the sibling carrying twice the burden as a result of my sister emigrating.

capsium · 11/12/2014 16:05

bigblue but you can still choose to do what you want. As you said,

"People can only control if you allow them to.

Do what you want at christmas."

If you choose to love and care for your mother (and carry twice the burden), embrace it. It reflects the type of person you are.

bigbluestars · 11/12/2014 16:19

True- but my mother does ot seek to control- she would not try to burden me with guilt if I chose not to spend christmas with her.
However she is in her 80s, disabled, fragile and has no other family in the UK apart from me.
If I decided not to have christmas with her she would be completely alone.

Not something I could do. So you are right- it is a choice.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 11/12/2014 16:32

MIL comes here for a week and it makes it a proper holiday - she takes kids and dog out for walks so I can get stuff done, makes a wicked cuppa - and does so often. She peels and chops like a demon and enjoys the same stuff I do - we often joke that DH chose me because I am just like his mum.

We get on really well and I am positively looking forward to Christmas as I relish the joy of being in her company.

"control day" sounds so sad.

bigbluestars · 11/12/2014 16:38

shopgirl- that sounds lovely. I don't have a "proper" MIL- she died when my OH was 9 months old. The closest I have is my OH's Ex step mother who is great, we only see her a few times a year but she is always generous and very warm towards us. I am looking forward to her visit on the 27th.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 11/12/2014 17:25

NoLonger that's great and my inlaws were great too but now gone.

The trouble with Christmas is you set precedents. Once you do that it's very hard to break.

And when you both work FT and for us dh works away mon to fri it's a bit annoying that your Christmas gets hijacked by relatives of the same age who have consciously choosen to live alone as for 365 days a year they do exactly what the fuck they like.

All change this year though. WW3 has developed but don't care.

SkaterGrrrrl · 11/12/2014 17:45

Going to my lovely in laws this year. Hurrah. My parents however are crackers.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 11/12/2014 18:05

Big yes it's hard when it's all on you as parents get older. Siblings don't have to be abroad either just a few hundred miles away and not really switched on or bothered and all the load is on you.

You don't mind and are glad to help but it would be easier shared.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 11/12/2014 18:10

I agree with PP - it's only control day if you agree to it.

Your poor DH, one day off and he has to spend it touring round the rellies. I would be tempted to say as he only has one day you will be spending it home as a family on your own.

I don;t see anyone I don't want to see socially at Christmas or any other time of year

whatsthebody has the right idea

blibblibs · 11/12/2014 18:28

DC came along and we stayed put at christmas.

I asked DM & PIL if we were ever dragged about visiting on Christmas day and they both said no, of course not so I told them thats whats going on now we have DC, but your all more than welcome to come to us.

PIL came the first year and never came again and DM has visited every year since

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 11/12/2014 18:51

That's so bloody true too blib inlaws and parents seem to forget that they didn't do these things when they were young parents!

LittleDonkey it's taken years but it feels good to be actually looking forward to Christmas for the first time in 25 years.

And that's with our older dss going away with GF and the other working but hey that are happy and we were able to reassure them that what ever they decide to do for their Christmas now as grown ups was fine by us.

Feels good.

Kaekae · 11/12/2014 18:52

My parents used to be like this, always expecting us all to go to them. two hours drive away. One year after we said we wanted to stay at home with just our own children, my parents were really put out. They then just turned up early Christmas morning unannounced to give our children presents and stayed for hours! I made sure the following year this was not to happen, we would see them on Boxing day. They were really annoyed with this arrangement but I stood my ground. My children want to be at home, enjoying their presents not making journeys in cars.

starsandunicorns · 11/12/2014 19:03

The last Christmas I had with my parents was when I was 17 before I joined the army then got married and was told that I had my family and not to visit over the Xmas period even when I spilt from the now exh 7 weeks before Xmas I was still not invited not sure to be glad I missed out or not

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 11/12/2014 19:06

I am so glad none of my family behave like this.

2kidsintow · 11/12/2014 19:17

Same here.

MIL never wanted us there at Christmas. We would go to my parents on Chrstmas day then go to hers for a boxing day buffet.

Now she goes away on holiday and we don't see her til the 27th.

We take it in turn to see my parents for dinner or to stay at home and have peace and quiet (to appease DH).

CPtart · 11/12/2014 19:47

DH family are very welcoming but there is always underlying tension.
FIL is the biggest control freak on earth and drives me nuts with his constant ordering around of grown up children, his insistence on list making of who gets what from whom, yelling at the GC for being "silly" etc etc.
All this plus two bottles of cheap plonk to last between 10 adults all day. We move onto warm vimto when it starts to go dark, I kid you not! Like I say, very welcoming, but a very different kind of Christmas than time we spend with my mum which is much more "fun".

Bunbaker · 11/12/2014 19:57

Reading this thread has made me so grateful that neither OH nor I had controlling parents.

It helps that we each liked each others' in-laws and actively wanted to spend Christmas with them. I'm sure a lot of it was due to living too far away to see a lot of them anyway. Sadly, it looks like this might be MIL's last Christmas so we are visiting, but staying in a holiday cottage near where she lives, so we get the best of both worlds.

RaisingMen · 11/12/2014 20:11

OP, can all of these relatives not come and visit you? We used to spend all day visiting parents and in laws, but when DS came along I put my foot down. It was our family Christmas, and we were not spending the day in the car traveling between relatives. I understood everyone wanted to see DS so we have an open door - whoever wants to come to ours is more than welcome but I will not be pulling him away from his new toys and rushing him to get dressed to please other people. I think you're being more than generous.

SomethingFunny · 11/12/2014 20:18

We are being forced to leave our house early in the morning without the children having had time to play with their presents (and possibly not even enough time to open them) then spend the day / night with who knows how many people we don't even know and the children have never met without a choice in it (we were hoodwinked into thinking it was just the in laws and it turns out that all these other people are coming too). Oooh I am so cross. I hate christmas :/

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