Aibu to walk out of work because I need to self harm?

[Nonameisgoodname]

I've name changed for this (Balonz, snails eating each other etc). If you guess who I am, don't out me please.

I've been trying to not do it. I've tried the coping mechanisms. I'm in work, but could leave, do it, and be back within 45 minutes. Maybe even 30. My work is quiet, no one would notice and we do flexible time anyway.

Enough of me knows it's not the greatest plan I've had, but I don't know what other options there are right now. I can't do it here.

The fact that you haven't just gone home and done it suggests to me that you don't really want to do it (IYSWIM).

Is it worth making an appt to see your gp?

or you could try the mental health walk in clinic at the Maudsley

The logical bit of me can say that both I'm being ridiculous posting it and having not gone, but the other part is getting more and more anxious because i don't know what else to do.

Gp knows I think, am on anti depressants. I've done it since a teenager so it's seen as a long term thing and doctors unsure how best to do anything, it seems.

Maudesley is in London, isn't it? But far sadly.

Are you on the waiting list or getting any therapy? Have you tried self books? Could you distract yourself with something really consuming until the urge passes? I've never self harmed as such but only CBT helped with the terrible anxiety. Antidepressants only helped me so far.

Can I ask what type of self harming you would do? I have in the past self harmed, and completely understand your need to, and have also had urges to self harm since, when under massive stress. The things that have helped me not to have been talking very explicitly about what I wanted to do. I have a friend who also harmed in the past and she swears by drawing the images in her mind.

I have a counsellor who specialises in rape and sexual abuse and stuff like that. We don't really talk about this though.

I haven't tried books before, but can usually distract myself or do something else to make the feeling go away. I'm pretty sure I haven't been focused at work for a few hours because it's all I can think about yep, I know it sounds mad

I have a friend who self harms by cutting his arms.
He finds that pinging an elastic band around his wrist really helps.

I want to cut. I don't think I can talk too openly about it here, because it might be seen as giving vulnerable people ideas, or something. I can visualise what to use and where to do it, but that makes me want to do it more.

I've got a rubber band and a glow stick as they are good to crack.

is it about anger and frustration or wanting to experience the pain?

If the former is there anything else you can do? go somewhere and scream loudly?

It's fear. There has been a situation where I felt afraid and now can't calm myself down well enough. So anger at myself. I've tried stomping about and that sort of thing and screaming silently.

is there a helpline you can call?
What about the Samaritans.

I have text them. Can't call, too many people about. It's quiet here, but not quiet enough.

yes try the samaritans they are always there to talk to.

Can you ice dive at work? Just your face.

No ice, but I've done a lot of running my hands under cold water and standing my radiators, that sort of thing. At 3pm I have to go and be professional, and should finish by 430 so can go home then, and can call if it hasn't passed by then

have you tried the elastic band on the wrist? if you ping it hard enough it might just relieve the 'itch' long enough?

Yep. Am pinging and getting odd looks from everyone else

keep pinging noname

Don't do it. Just keep hanging in there and the anxiety will pass in time.

Go and do some really intense work for twenty minutes, then re-evaluate how you feel.

keep going noname, sod what anyone thinks

I realised I had been pinging into my clothes, but it works better when just doing it onto skin. So feeling a bit calmer now. Thank you.

Thanks for the wisdom earlier, home from work, all is well.

Well done for coping. I'd suggest now thinking (in a non-judgemental way) about the root of the feelings that led you to want to self harm and what you can do to deal with those. If it is anxiety then there are self-guided resources on line to help (try getselfhelp website), and practicing coping mechanisms such as relaxation and mindfulness can really help with coping with bouts of anxiety.
But one of the most important things to take away from today is the fact that although it was really hard you DID COPE - this is so important to remember (if there is a) next time you feel like this.
Well done you.