My mother really wound me up last week and I'm still annoyed

[OffTheLager]

Basically she's always on at me saying she never sees me, I don't make the effort, I never go down, I never have time for her anymore etc. So we made a "date" that we would go out for lunch. All confirmed (more than once). Night before I called to ask her if it was still on - yes she says, I'm looking forward to it.

So I purposely chose not to work that day (did myself out of £50 as a result) and rushed down to get there at the time I said I'd be there. She answers the door really arsy, it basically just sounded like I was the last person she wanted to see. Couldn't understand what I'd done. When I got inside (bare in mind I'd dressed up a bit for lunch, made an effort etc) she said "I don't want to go out for lunch, can't be bothered."

"Oh" I replied.

"Why, do you still want to?" she snapped.

"I'm not bothered, I just thought you wanted to" I reply.

"oh well I'll go then if you're going to be pissed off" she sighs.

This is a regular occurance - I get chased down a one way alley way - no escape. If I say I'm pissed off world war 3 will occur. If I say I'm not bothered she'll tell everyone that I didn't want to go.

Anyway - I'm not that bothered about her not wanting to go for lunch but why on earth didn't she call me before I drove down there instead of waiting until I turn up?? Secondly, I'm more pissed off and hurt by her reception at the door - she spoke to me like shit quite frankly for no reason at all.

To top it off she then went slagging me off to family saying I couldn't be arsed to drive her to Asda. I'd said already that I wouldn't be going shopping, I'm claustrophobic and do my own shopping online for that reason. I work full time and her husband drives so I don't think that was out of order of me either!!

She sounds like bloody hard work!

Gawd she sounds a right pain in the arse.

Has she always been like this with you?

I'd cut visits down to Xmas and b'days and let her get on with it.

I think even cutting down to Christmas and birthday visits is generous tbh.

She sounds very annoying.

Just to reassure you, my mum died in March. She'd spent the previous 56 years annoying me on and off and I'm still angry about it. Get yourself some counselling and don't take her too seriously.

... that's supposed to reassure you because mothers are bloody annoying, they keep it up for decades and then they leave you with the anger after they're gone. Sorry, it wasn't clear.

She was rude and annoying.

My MIL does similar to DH. He doesn't bother going to see her at all now - has told her she can come to us!

You don't have to see her you know, if you don't want to.

Mine frequently used to make elaborate plans for trips, nights out etc, got us all excited and we'd spend ages talking about it and making plans - only to bail out at the last minute. She's still doing it now, but we ignore her which pisses her off even more

I agree with PPs - it sounds like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, so why not just start doing whatever you want and not worrying about what reason she will find to get the hump - it may as well be for something you have actually done as some spurious reason she has made up!

I'd tell her I am not playing her game any more and until she can treat me with respect she can swivel.

Your mum sounds difficult, but you really should think about getting some therapy for your anxiety in supermarkets. Very common and totally treatable.

Is she depressed?

Has she always been like this?

From what you've said, you get slagged off if you make effort, if you don't make effort you also get slagged off. I'd go with no effort. Same result, you get more time to yourself.

Eurgh. She sounds a fucking nightmare. My Mil tried telling me before that a fortnight was far too long between visits. Um... is it ?!?

Agree with Mary's logic.

Ditto Mary. Do what suits you if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. At least one person is happy!

Are you sure that wasn't MY mother? It's just the kind of thing she'd do...

I can tell you what to do, but I can tell you what has worked for me. Disengage. My mother was exactly like that and now I just don't go and see her unless I happen to be in the area for something else. This way, when she lets me down by behaving in that way, I know it wasn't a completely wasted trip as I was doing something else anyway.

She's since tried it do it the other way round - arranging to come to me and then cancelling at the last minute. Pity, I tell her, as I always had lovely things planned for us, so by not coming she's missing out but I'll go ahead on my own (last one was a spa afternoon - it was bliss on my own).

Basically, over the last two years we've seen less and less of each other, and I couldn't be happier. She, in the meantime, is the only one suffering the consequences of her actions/poor behaviour.

I don't get people who bitch when other people aren't spending enough time with them (according to them). It's hardly going to make them want to, is it? My MIL and SILs do this (write really angry rants on fb, over and over; "can really see who cares" blah blah blah). Such PA bullshit that just cuts people off even more. If you're nice people will want to spend time with you, if you're not and make seeing you a chore they won't.

If she insists on acting like a 7 year old treat her like one. Let her sulk. What more can you do? It is hurtful what she is doing but she is a grown woman.

Just like to say that sounds like hard work. Lost my lovely mum this year wish she was still here. Just one more xmas together.