To expect my friends to understand that I am a Coeliac

[Reredos]

Basically these are two female friends that I have known for 20 years. We meet up with their husbands every month or so for dinner and we often go for weekends away. I have been recently diagnosed as having Coeliac disease through a gut biopsy but a mutual friend was diagnosed two years ago. I have heard what they say about the Coeliac friend, how she is attention seeking and is loving the drama of having a special diet. I am probably closest to this Coeliac friend and had researched the diet so that I could offer her safe food and also support. this actually meant that when I was diagnosed it wasn't such a big thing for me as it knew so much about it.
The first thing one of these friends said to me when I told her I was diagnosed was 'I hope you are not going to be all silly about it like xxx'
I have tried to explain the danger of contamination with them but they refuse to accept it. Everyone seems to know a coeliac person (probably a gluten-intolerant) who eats cake every now and then and 'just deals with the consequences'
We have one of these trips away booked for New Year and I am frankly dreading it. I will take my own food but they will see that as a slur or that I am trying to draw attention to myself. They couldn't be more wrong. I hate being different. I have no problems with following a gluten-free diet at home or when going out with my family. It is so easy to buy gf food in all of the supermarkets and I actually prefer to just take a sandwich in my handbag and not make a fuss.
I am getting unreasonably anxious about this and I need a coping strategy.
The weekend will involve at least one posh restaurant meal and fish and chips on the beach. I know they will say that I can have the chips because they are just potatoes but, if I then say that it's not recommended due to contamination of the oil by battered products, it will result in melodramatic eye-rolling and being told to get a grip.
The husbands of these women are lovely. I don't think that they really understand the contamination issue either but they are not judgemental. My husband gets on well with all of the group and his advice is to not worry about it until it happens and that I can take my own food and that there will always be something on the menu that I can eat.
It doesn't help that I am a vegetarian. I know that this is a self-imposed restriction but, after 40 years, I can't change. I can manage to eat some fish and I have tried to eat meat (by putting tiny pieces of chicken in rice) but I hate it and I shouldn't have to eat meat (or gluten) to keep everyone else happy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I eat whatever is prepared for me at friends houses/restaurants and 'deal with the consequences' however detrimental to my health could be?

Bunkum. Damn you autocorrect.

One of the pubs near me does fantastic GF food. We went out for a Christmas meal there the other night and all of our desserts were GF and absolutely delicious.

It is so awkward having a special diet. I'm coeliac but do eat meat, and in that context it's not too hard to eat out (curry is usually safe, steak and chips, roast chicken with boiled potatoes and veg, that sort of thing). My last pregnancy though involved me throwing up any time I ate meat/cheese/most fish/eggs. It is SO hard to eat out if you're looking for gluten-free vegan food, and pretty hard for just vegetarian food to be honest. You can't even trust jacket potatoes and beans, because some beans contain wheat starch (Heinz is ok). Also don't trust ketchup bottles. Just because they say Heinz on the outside doesn't mean the ketchup inside them is Heinz - often the bottles are just refilled with a cheaper substitute, which may well not be gluten free.

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis OP it obviously is not the worst condition but it is intrusive. A close family member is a coeliac and up until last year she was vegetarian for over 20 years. I know how hard she found managing people's 'ah shure you will have a bit' or someone cutting her cake with a knife they just used to cut the not gluten free cake and then being put out about her not eating eat. I think being a vegetarian actually helped her in the early years post diagnosis because she was used to speaking about dietary requirements. In the end she found it very difficult to eat out being both coeliac and vegetarian as most coeliac options were meat on menus but that was after at least 7 years of managing both and I am sure things have improved on both fronts now especially in a bigger country like the UK. I suggest you develop a completely don't care attitude and you will be grand and completely justified since having gluten can make you quite ill.

They don't sound like friends to me. If I were you I would make plans to go away with the other friend and avoid spending large amounts of time with these two. I know your DH is probably trying to be supportive but you shouldn't have to worry about this either now or when it happens.

As others have mentioned most restaurants are able and willing to cater for dietary needs now that we know so much more about the problems some foods can cause. Pity some people are slower to catch up.

"You're the one drawing attention to it fuck-face, I'm just eating my sandwich"

Said mildly.

Ignorant and mean, as a PP says, that just about sums your friends up. I'm coeliac and had some 'friends' like this when I was first diagnosed 15 years ago. They would roll their eyes when I mentioned not being able to eat certain food and thought I was attention seeking. It damaged our friendship ultimately because I coukd see that they really didn't care much about me if they weren't willing to even try to understand the issue and be tolerant.

It is so easy to inform yourself after all. One of the things that attracted me to my DH when we first met was his reaction when I told him I was coeliac. He had no clue about it so he just looked it up and read about the disease and next time I saw him he was a mine of information!

If your friends cared about you they would stop the snotty comments and just respect your needs. Be firm with them and just tell them you are following standard medical advice if they question anything you eat or don't eat.

Just wanted to add something to what was said contamination and symptoms. If DH eats something which is contaminated, he has upset stomach, cannot concentrate, is utterly miserable and depressed and gets eczema on his hands. These symptoms can last several days, When he once accidentally ate something that did actually contain wheat flour as an ingredient, how blood pressure went through the floor and his work colleagues had to call a paramedic as it was so scary and they didn't know how to handle it. Although this was obviously way more serious, do not underestimate the impact of contamination as the symptoms can be pretty horrible and the mood changes can affect the whole family! DH has also taken a chance on chip shop chips a few times (cooked in a seperate fryer). Each time he's been I'll, presumably from contamination. Avoid chips unless the shop specifically advertised them as gluten free.

these women aren't friends. I'd just eat gluten free for the weekend, good excuse for a nice steak

I'm vegetarian and coeliac (nice to hear of another one!) and I agree your friends aren't being nice. My friends go out of their way to make sure we go somewhere that has something I can eat. I've been GF for five years and I've been pleasantly surprised at how accommodating restaurants are, and will nearly always make something not on the menu if you ask (even if it is just a salad!)

I had a dilemma a while ago when we stayed with friends. They'd gone out of their way to cook something I could eat, and one of them even popped out again during the afternoon to get different stock cubes as they hadn't realised there is gluten in some of them. And then when they had cooked dinner I noticed an empty quorn mince packet (which they'd bought especially because I'm veggie but they'd assumed it was GF). Because they're so lovely and had already gone to so much trouble I didn't feel I could say anything. I'm sure they probably would have cooked me something else but I didn't want them to feel bad for not realising about the quorn.

So I sort of ate around it and put a lot onto DP's plate when they were in the kitchen! Luckily I didn't have any side effects and I don't think they noticed that I didn't eat it!

Agree that friends aren't being nice. Do you really want to go away for weekend with them? Sounds like you should make a few new friends, ones with a more tolerant nature.

I have coeliac disease. DX about 1.5 years ago. tbh I find that 90% of people just do not understand it, and while most are reasonably polite or accommodating, there are plenty who just think it's making a fuss or faddy or just plain don't understand the contamination issue and bung gf bread in the breadbasket with normal bread, and yes, then get the humpo about me 'turning up my nose at it', or insisting to me that I CAN eat rye bread because it's not made with wheat, then getting huffy because I'm being all difficult again.

I have to say, socially it is a horrible, horrible, embarrassing illness that, outside of my immediate family I feel constantly like I am making a fuss or a show or causing inconvenience for other people.

At work some hilarious person labelled a plate of treats that had been brought it "egg-free, lactose-free, gluten-free, vegetarian". It was none of those things, just a hilarious dig at us fussy people.

Good luck with your friends, this has been my daily reality for 1.5 years now

They don't sound like real friends to me. If you were my friend, I'd enjoy trying to come up with gf meals, etc, for you.

And although our household eats meat, I do a few veggie meals as well, where I'm sure we could adapt them to make them gf.

That's what a real friend does, be supportive and try to find ways of including, not excluding someone who had different dietary requirements.

I think I would have that talk with the friends, and on the basis of their response to that, decided whether to go or not. If, despite the talk and the consequences of contamination being clearly laid out, they still think it's just attention seeking, I'd reconsider the friendship.

It's not up to you to risk your health just so they aren't being inconvenienced at all, which is what they appear to think is the case. It's just stupid of them.

I'm one of those people that muddy the waters, OP, sorry. Biopsy confirmed coeliac but I have sometimes eaten gluten and dealt with it, if I hadn't much planned. Never again though, I'm still suffering from something I ate a week and a bit ago.

I think these people really don't sound like your friends though. They sound a bit horrible and comfortable with their knobbish ways. The world is full of people who are fantastic about these things so my best recommendation is to find new friends.

I saw that you found a non-gluten infested chippy, so that's good. Really the main thing I do is to prepare all my own food and take it with me as far as possible. IF that's not possible then there's always a supermarket.

Something I noticed recently, and this may have to do with the new labelling regulations is that a lot of supermarket fizzy drinks have barley malt in them. I think I'd had a lot of accidental contamination from them as I hadn't thought to even look. Looking at you, Sainsbury and asda!

I'm really finding so many restaurants have really good GF options though. Especially pizza/Italian ones; Chinese is a bit more difficult because of teh soy sauce.

Not sure how much travelling you like to do OP - but the whole of Italy is apparently a haven for coeliacs. So many Italians have it that they're really clued up about what to do and not do, and they're often happy to show you the kitchens etc. I'm going next year to find out for myself ;-)

different people have different symptoms. A friend of mine actually gets no symptoms at all but the damage to her gut is real. She will occasionally have cake as she doesn't feel any consequences.
Another friend's dd has recently been diagnosed and my Dd is being tested. Apparently I'm copying her. dd has been under a specialist for a few months due to her digestion problems which she's had since she was 6 months old and most people have witnessed her doubled over with stomach cramps as it's daily but of course I'm inventing it for attention. People are idiots.
For your friends I would make a comment that you'd rather not knowingly damage your gut.

I don't actually don't get any symptoms and was only diagnosed because I developed Grave's disease (over active thyroid). Apparently if you have one auto-immune disease you are more prone to others. I have been gluten-free for five months now and I wonder if I will eventually get symptoms when I accidentally eat gluten. Presumably if it has been eliminated for a while the body will be more likely to have a physical reaction?
For the pp who mentioned lactose intolerance, apparently that is very common in Coeliacs as the enzymes for digesting lactose are found at the tips of the villi in the small intestine. These villi in people with Coeliac's disease are atrophied and lie flat and so lactose can't be digested.
I think that I have only recently developed the disease alongside the Grave's. My thyroid levels were fine last year but I had six months of lots of stress and I think my body just went into overdrive and started attacking itself. I am in my late forties and I think the menopause can also be a trigger.
I have just had afternoon tea with my lovely Coeliac friend who made macaroons and we had a little bitch about the others. I am so lucky to have her as a friend and we do really support each other. As for the unsupportive ones, well friends of longstanding are important. Everyone has their faults and I will just have to see how it goes. Forewarned is forearmed and I will be prepared. I will not knowingly put my health in jeopardy.

I had a somewhat similar diagnosis, in that I never had digestive symptoms.

I developed auto immune thyroid disease in my early twenties, had a blood test for coeliac about a year later as my iron levels were not increasing as they should be. That test was negative. Wasn't until a decade later that I actually had further tests and was diagnosed.

I've accidentally eaten gluten a couple of times accidentally (licorice allsorts!) since sticking to a gluten free diet and I very definitely get symptoms now.

On one hand, yes I do know people that get newly diagnosed with something and obnoxiously talk about it day in and day out, milking it for attention well past the point of just being relieved/excited to finally get answers. We've all met or know someone like that.

But, at the same time, being obnoxious about it doesn't change the fact they've been diagnosed with it.

I don't see why you can't simply just tell the chef you need your meal to be gluten free, and not make a fuss of it. If your friends refuse to fix something you can eat without getting sick, they're not real friends. Allergies are no joke.

I can't eat certain foods, and if a friend fixes something with that in it, I could die. By that I mean I could get a really bad asthma attack and end up in the hospital to get allergy medication to open up my throat and have a really swollen face for a few days. I just dramatically tell them I'd die and ask if they want to murder me to keep it light hearted.

Personally, I just take the attitude of "It's not my job to convince people of my diagnosis. It's my job to take care of myself and my health". They don't have to believe you or think you're being reasonable, they just have to fix you food you can eat and shut up about it. Simple.

I think it's because there are so many that do go on a gluten free diet as a bit of a fad and like to be attention seeking with it.
My parents in law are such people, they love all the attention they get. They had a vega test done and think it is the gospel truth, they make a big some and dance about how they must have a gluten free diet and how they can't eat about 100 different things.
My MIL was tested for coeliac d and it was negative.
Everyone I know that has had a vega test done seems to be told they can't have gluten.
My mother does actually have coeliac d and just gets on with it, doesn't make a big song and dance about it.

Do some research before you go - some fish and chip restaurants do a gluten free service. One of my closest friends is a coeliac. It doesn't stop us going anywhere.

Dd has allergies(I bore mn about it frequently!).
I've developed the 'feck off and mind yer own' face .
It's a massive issue , but we handle it discreetly . I get so mad when others bring unnecessary attention to it .
One of the side affects for us is the 'omg bowel movement' . If we get an urge then it is neccessary to get to a toilet quick- and I use any if we need to . I wish people would think about that when frowning at able bodies using an easy to access toilet . People are so quick to judge .

Btw . Most chip shops will have dedicated chip fryers but, these are still majorly dodgy cos the fat gets drained and cleaned and reused . The equipment is ok for contamination, but unless its fresh oil, them its not safe .

And while I'm at it , can I just tell you my dairy ,soya and gluten free Xmas cake looks amazing ! I got it out today to steep it with more brandy and so far its not gone mouldy!
I can't wait to see if it lasts and if it tastes ok.

Hi. Reredos I'm also a veggie coeliac and agree that in terms of the coeliac side of things it's exhausting to keep having the 'just a little bit won't hurt' conversations. I think it's because so many people nowadays are 'wheat intolerant' without a medical diagnosis and sadly this undermines our condition -I know several people who 'can't eat wheat' but regularly consume gluten-containing foods, so I'm not sure exactly what they're avoiding.

The veggie gluten free side of things is pretty easy in the USA most restaurants, pizza places, etc do Zgf Options, Indian food is primarily veggie and GF. Stand firm, emphasise the side effects that you can experience including increased risks of osteoporosis and some cancers etc as I find thus beings home the realities of it being a disease and not a fad,