To expect my friends to understand that I am a Coeliac

[Reredos]

Basically these are two female friends that I have known for 20 years. We meet up with their husbands every month or so for dinner and we often go for weekends away. I have been recently diagnosed as having Coeliac disease through a gut biopsy but a mutual friend was diagnosed two years ago. I have heard what they say about the Coeliac friend, how she is attention seeking and is loving the drama of having a special diet. I am probably closest to this Coeliac friend and had researched the diet so that I could offer her safe food and also support. this actually meant that when I was diagnosed it wasn't such a big thing for me as it knew so much about it.
The first thing one of these friends said to me when I told her I was diagnosed was 'I hope you are not going to be all silly about it like xxx'
I have tried to explain the danger of contamination with them but they refuse to accept it. Everyone seems to know a coeliac person (probably a gluten-intolerant) who eats cake every now and then and 'just deals with the consequences'
We have one of these trips away booked for New Year and I am frankly dreading it. I will take my own food but they will see that as a slur or that I am trying to draw attention to myself. They couldn't be more wrong. I hate being different. I have no problems with following a gluten-free diet at home or when going out with my family. It is so easy to buy gf food in all of the supermarkets and I actually prefer to just take a sandwich in my handbag and not make a fuss.
I am getting unreasonably anxious about this and I need a coping strategy.
The weekend will involve at least one posh restaurant meal and fish and chips on the beach. I know they will say that I can have the chips because they are just potatoes but, if I then say that it's not recommended due to contamination of the oil by battered products, it will result in melodramatic eye-rolling and being told to get a grip.
The husbands of these women are lovely. I don't think that they really understand the contamination issue either but they are not judgemental. My husband gets on well with all of the group and his advice is to not worry about it until it happens and that I can take my own food and that there will always be something on the menu that I can eat.
It doesn't help that I am a vegetarian. I know that this is a self-imposed restriction but, after 40 years, I can't change. I can manage to eat some fish and I have tried to eat meat (by putting tiny pieces of chicken in rice) but I hate it and I shouldn't have to eat meat (or gluten) to keep everyone else happy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I eat whatever is prepared for me at friends houses/restaurants and 'deal with the consequences' however detrimental to my health could be?

I'm not sure I'd go away with people who thought so little of me.

Even people who are just work colleagues often go out of their way to ensure that when treats are around there is at least something that is suitable for me.

Coeliac AND vegetarian is even more of a struggle sot the last thing you need is unsupportive friends.

((((Hugs)))) OP

I understand. Really I do.

Intolerant to Gluten, most fruits, Milk and Sugars. ( it wont kill me, just make me ill)

They are being tossers. I am one of the people who muddies the waters a bit here as I am wheat intolerant, but not all gluten and it's only an intolerance, not an allergy. I do eat wheat sometimes, mostly to be easy and not dictate to eg what people cook if I am in their house. But I find avoiding it when eating out no issue. However coeliac is much more serous, and I know people who have been very I'll indeed before they got it under control. If they can't understand that, they are both dim and spiteful. Not the greatest combination.

No don't eat it. As you know, the consequences of one small contamination can take a long time to heal. You need to explain that it is like diabetes - you must be stringent or face long term health problems.

They are being ridiculous. My sil has coeliac, and I am always careful to ensure that there is something for her to eat at our house and children's parties etc. I cannot understand why you wouldn't. If you were veggie would they expect you to eat meat?

these damn people and their attention seeking diseases!

People are just dense. For god's sake don't make yourself ill just to keep the peace.

I don't think you can stop them having fish and chips on the beach just because you have coeliac disease and usually for coeliacs symptoms are proportional to the amount of gluten consumed so traces of gluten shouldn't cause symptoms.
If you prefer not to risk any gluten you may need to accept that you eat separately on an evening if you still holiday together, although I agree that most restaurants should be able to cope with gluten free foood and I'd contact them in advance. Meat potato and veg food tends to be fine if no stuffings/ coatings etc and gluten free gravy.

OP, I feel so sorry for you. This seems to be such a common attitude - I've seen it come up time and time again on Mumsnet with regard to all sorts of things like allergies, a vegetarian diet, avoidance of pork for religious reasons. For some reason, some people get very very angry about other people's dietary habits, whether they are out of choice or for health reasons. Anyone who has even a slightly unusual diet must be doing it for "attention-seeking" reasons as opposed to genuine ones.

But just stand your ground. All you can do is explain the situation clearly and firmly, eat your own food where possible and ask restaurants to provide you with things like gluten-free pasta. It's not up to you to accommodate their silliness.

I don't think you can lump being vegetarian and having food allergies/intolerances in the same category.

Being allergic to something is not a lifestyle choice. Being vegetarian is. Religious reasons fall somewhere in between IMO.

I think that's where it's going to get complicated for the OP, being vegetarian and gf would strike me as being far more difficult when eating out.

I end up having to eat a lot of steak (the hardship!) or meat and potato type meals when out and about.

Vegetarian 'staples' are typically not gf free, no quorn, no vegetable lasagne, no goats cheese tart

Sounds like 2rebecca is one of your unpleasant friends.

I have two coeliac DC. I would not be prepared to go on holiday with people who weren't ready to accommodate their needs. It's just mean and unpleasant.

2rebecca is clearly ignorant about coeliac. Traces of gluten can and do make coeliacs ill. My DC1 would be ill from chips cooked in oil containing battered items. My DC2 wouldn't have any external symptoms. Both of them would incur gut damage, caused by their autoimmune symptoms attacking their small intestines. It can take a very very long time for such damage to heal (two and a half years of being gluten-free before DC1's gut healed).

You shouldn't feel apologetic, and if your friends are dismissive like 2rebecca, or think that you should just "accept" going off and eating alone, I would ditch them.

By the way - you say you wonder what your friends would do if one of their DC were diagnosed with something similar. I can tell you - they wouldn't ignore it - they would swing completely the other way, and make everyone else dance to their tune. It's to do with the kind of people they are IMO.

Yanbu at all, I totally understand the contamination issue, as my friends dd has it. If they cannot understand, and start being rude, I would not go out with them. They don't sound like good friends.

These people sound awful. Do you not have other friends that confirm to you this fact? Friends dont get irritated when you receive a diagnosis, they sympathise.

Are you very slim? Could do it be that they are jealous?

Tell them if you were attention seeking you would pose naked on the cover of Paper magazine. Unitil then, they better wise up.

I wouldn't dream of stopping them from eating fish n chips - that has always been the highlight of going to the seaside for me in the past. I have just googled the town where we shall be staying and found a resturant that serves gf fish and chips - sorted!
I am learning that they key thing is to plan ahead and not to assume that there will always be a gf and veggie option available and then be pleasantly surprised when there is. It really isn't a hard diet to follow and the best bit is that I can now drink alcohol and I no longer have the constant sinus pain that used to plague me. Funny how it affects some people.
Thanks guys, I feel much better and I can actually look forward to the trip armed with a list of places we can all eat :)

It's funny how going GF can make a difference to symptoms you'd never before associated with it.

For me it cured my severe period pain and made them much lighter and shorter.

There is a huge difference between being celiac and being gluten sensitive.

I think everyone else has covered everything I would say but just to add that one of our local fish and chip restaurant/takeaways (a local chain) does GF batter but best to order it beforehand. Chips are done in a separate fryer to the gluten-battered fish.
My GIL is coleic and I've found it quite easy to adapt and cater for her. The only difficulty being pastry. DH wanted beef wellington for Christmas last year so did it 3/4 normal pastry and 1/4 with GF pastry -it was split between 5 with me having the crossover portion. The GF pastry was rubbish!!
So long as you accept that there will be somethings you can't eat I would have thought they would make some effort.
My MIL can make a few offish comments/raised eyebrows though when GIL gets overanxious about gluten. We always phone restaurants beforehand and then she mentions it when we arrive, checks when ordering and when the food arrives.

I cannot bear faddy eaters - they drive me mad - but a diagnosis of coeliac disease is not the same thing at all.

We have a friend who is coeliac; when he came to stay he brought his own bread and I double-checked what he could and could not eat. Your friends should take you seriously: I'd bomb them with information leaflets, myself.

I'm surprised that you're surprised, tbh. After all, they've been bitching about your other GF friend in your hearing for two years. They don't sound very nice people at all.

YANBU.
But my coeliac friend is always delighted when she comes here, as I will make gluten free cake / biscuits for everyone, so she can join in.

The people who ABU, are those who don't let you know up front that they don't eat dairy, wheat or sugar, so you rush around like a mad thing to find an alternative to lasagna, and then watch them tuck into (normal) apple crumble and custard. Those are the people who wind me up, not those who either have a need (like you and gluten) or a preference (vegetarian).

Hope you have a lovely break away, and your friends either realise, or leave you be. Gluten free for you

A change in the law that comes in force next week I think, means all restaurants must give full information on allergens to their customers, especially common allergens like gluten. They have to tell you if an item contains gluten or not and are not allowed to say it "may" as a catchall. Staff are supposed to be receiving more training on allergies also.
A posh restaurant may be very helpful, but when it comes to chips on the beach type of things at least they should give info but you may need to bring a picnic. Any big chain restaurant will have systems in place to inform you of what is in each item they sell.

I think Coeliac is one of those things which people don't fully understand and thus dismiss. I have to confess to being one of those people - I thought MIL was being over the top by refusing to eat something in which I'd thickened the sauce using flour. Then one of my DCs was diagnosed with Coeliac, I did the reading I should have done years ago and finally got it. In my head before though, and I guess many people's heads, it was a bit of a fad. Anyway - karma and all that; now I'm learning all about GF baking and completely rethinking family meals.

I have seen some fish and chip shops advertise gluten free batter one day a week. Definitely worth checking out of that corresponds with the day you're there?

I actually think that all the many people who don't eat gluten but aren't actually diagnosed as coeliac have diluted this issue somewhat and made it seem like a fad, which of course coeliac disease isn't.

Can a person develope Coeliac disease ? Is a gluten intolerance part of a slippery slope?

I ask because my daughter terribly with IBS. Coeliac test came back negative, and through trial and error we have discovered she is lactose intolerant and struggles with a couple of other things too. I don't think she's great with wheat either though.

And yes, I will shamefully confess I was one of the "intolerances are bunk I'm brigade". But even I knew Coeliac disease is a serious issue.