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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to this holiday

93 replies

Discopanda · 06/12/2014 21:47

I'm pregnant with DD2 who is due in April and my OH announced today that his close friend is going to New York for a few weeks in July and has asked him to join him for a week. This would mean leaving me with a 3 year old and a 3 month old by myself, my mum lives a 2 hour train ride away and even if I asked her to come and stay to help me out I don't have the room.
Yes, New York would be amazing for him to visit, I'm slightly jealous as I'd like to go myself but earlier this year he went away for 10 days to Las Vegas with his friends leaving me home along with DD1. I really struggled as I don't drive and DD was incredibly clingy as she obvs thought daddy had just disappeared and wouldn't sleep in her room or play by herself for more than a few minutes at a time. There's absolutely no option of us going with him as it's a 'boys holiday' like Las Vegas. WIBU to put my foot down and tell him he's not going?

OP posts:

diddl · 08/12/2014 08:03

It's not so much the being alone with a 3yr old & a baby, it's him using time & money that should be for family.

theHowlatWooooooCorner · 08/12/2014 08:09

Say no. For the simple reason you (as a family) can't afford it.

LayMeDown · 08/12/2014 08:21

There is no chance I would agree to this. I wouldn't have agreed to 10 days I LV either if it meant no family holiday. Even if it didn't impact family holiday I wouldn't agree to be the default childminder if I knew he wouldn't reciprocate. He's got a cheek expecting you to shoulder parenting duties that he wouldn't be prepared to do.
And I disagree on the permission thing. If you are a parent you have to get the other parents agreement before you step away from parenting duties. Your children are both of your responsibility.

atticusclaw · 08/12/2014 08:23

There is absolutely no way that would happen here (although DH wouldn't even want to spend his precious free time going away without us). My response would literally be "well you can but we won't be here when you return."

bigbluestars · 08/12/2014 08:36

I disagree about the permission thing. Grown adults don't need permission. However they should take responsibility.
If they don't then they have to live with the consequences.

Littlef00t · 08/12/2014 08:40

Where is the money for the flights coming from? Presumably this isn't being paid for by his friend so even if you could cope, you can't really afford it.

I'd go down the route of saying you're really worried about how you will cope without him, you don't know what your baby is going to be like. I was at breaking point by 12 weeks with my pfb, no more than 2 hours sleep in one go was doing me in.

Are these holidays quite regular? Will there be another one along soon he can go on?

bigbluestars · 08/12/2014 08:49

"
I'd go down the route of saying you're really worried about how you will cope without him, you don't know what your baby is going to be like. "

Really? FFs you suggest the OP plays the hapless female?
Have some respect.

How about she "goes down the route" of pointing out he is being a selfish bastard?

ASunnyTiger · 08/12/2014 08:52

it's like he feels he needs a break from being a parent IFSWIM?

That would really rile me. In fact it does. I've 2.5 month old DS, 2.5 yo DD, DH gets more breaks from parenting than I do. Granted DS is EBF so I can't ever really get away from him, my breaks are really just having DH around to help lighten the load. Oh, DH also disappeared for a weekend work holiday when DS was 2 weeks old. I didn't stand in his way, but I really struggled whilst he was gone. I think his holiday already is more than enough, he does need to think of his family too!

ASunnyTiger · 08/12/2014 08:53

My last sentence was referring to OP's DP btw, twasn't worded that well.

BlueberryWafer · 08/12/2014 09:05

Tbh I wouldn't be happy with my DP spending that much money on a holiday - New York will be expensive! I'd much rather he spent the money on something sensible but then again I'm a boring fart

operaha · 08/12/2014 09:07

argh! So wrong!
I went to NYC this summer WITH my partner! Presuming you live in the UK going to NYC is a pretty big deal for most people, a hell of an experience, something to share with someone close - my god it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and all the more special because I was with my OH. I wouldnt have gone alone or with a mate because its not the kind of holiday that I would or could have been taking again any time soon.
I say experiences are more important than material things so as long as the bills are paid and there is food in the fridge then yeah - go to New York or wherever. But to go without your partner makes me really :(
Also "boys holiday" - yeck. Id be really uncomfortable with anything like that now. I certainly wouldnt have a "girls holiday"!!!! I could imagine going away with another couple perhaps but ultimately I want to share these things with the love of my life, partner and best friend.
Has he always been like this? Tbh if my OH suddenly announced something like this I would be really concerned. Sounds a bit midlife crisis-y to me. But he is 40 and I am 38 so perhaps we are a bit old for it now.

TarkaTheOtter · 08/12/2014 09:13

He doesn't have to ask "permission" but he does have to ask his partner if she is willing to to look after HIS children by herself for the week and she is perfectly entitled to say no.

And I say that as someone who's partner worked abroad for two of the first four months of dc2's life (dc1 was just 2). I coped but it was fucking shit and my PARTNER felt very guilty about leaving me. But it was his job.
He will also be going away for a week to China to visit a friend next year when the dc are 3 and 1. But it by mutual agreement, at a time design to minimise difficulty to me and doesn't impact on our finances. Plus as soon as youngest stops feeding I will go away myself with friends.

bronya · 08/12/2014 09:24

He can go, if you have the same amount of money to spend on whatever you want, I'd say. You could take the children away with your mum or a friend on that, or pay for some help at home, or whatever you'd like.

Original poster

Discopanda · 09/12/2014 00:02

Update- had a chat with him after dinner tonight, explained how I feel he's being selfish and, even though New York would be an amazing holiday for anybody, at the moment family has to come first. We had a bit of a row last night over his recent self-indulgent behaviour but we're OK now. Thank you everyone for your support x

OP posts:

ooooooooooooooohYessssssssssss · 09/12/2014 00:50

..so is he still going to New York?

Original poster

Discopanda · 09/12/2014 10:07

Nope, not going and we should hopefully have a family holiday this year.

OP posts:

HappyAgainOneDay · 09/12/2014 10:43

Hmm. I noted that this is a DP rather than a DH. I bet this P intends to keep his bachelor life and the relationship will not last. The OP will come to realise more and more how selfish her P is being ......

NotYouNaanBread · 09/12/2014 11:01

At first I thought YABU but not if he has spent limited your funds on boys trips and prevented you from having a family holiday. He is definitely BU to pull this stunt a 2nd time. NYC is not cheap.

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