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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to this holiday

93 replies

Discopanda · 06/12/2014 21:47

I'm pregnant with DD2 who is due in April and my OH announced today that his close friend is going to New York for a few weeks in July and has asked him to join him for a week. This would mean leaving me with a 3 year old and a 3 month old by myself, my mum lives a 2 hour train ride away and even if I asked her to come and stay to help me out I don't have the room.
Yes, New York would be amazing for him to visit, I'm slightly jealous as I'd like to go myself but earlier this year he went away for 10 days to Las Vegas with his friends leaving me home along with DD1. I really struggled as I don't drive and DD was incredibly clingy as she obvs thought daddy had just disappeared and wouldn't sleep in her room or play by herself for more than a few minutes at a time. There's absolutely no option of us going with him as it's a 'boys holiday' like Las Vegas. WIBU to put my foot down and tell him he's not going?

OP posts:

NotGoingOut17 · 06/12/2014 22:24

Sorry missed update whilst writing post. Just seen you couldn't have a family holiday because of his trip last year. He is massively selfish - the next time you go away should be the family holiday he fucked up last year, he really is taking the piss - and clearly doesn't feel guilty about you missing your hol last year as he wouldn't be asking. New York won't be cheap so you're probably kissing goodbye to your next hol too.

Sounds like it's all take take take from him- why don't you suggest you get a break next year (even if you don't intend to) given he got 10 days away this year, and then see how much he is prepared to give. He sounds like a twat tbh

cricketpitch · 06/12/2014 22:28

When DC1 was born DP worked away 2 weeks a month - for two years. The DC2 was born just as he got a job at the other end of the country - on a short term contract so worked away during the week for the next five years. he was then unemployed for five years - life is not easy for anyone. You cope.

DP regularly goes away for holidays alone - I don't own him.

My view is different. I think we are all individuals and if we start telling people what they can and can't do that's unlikely to work.

Do tell him how you feel though and that you also want a bit of free time/ a family holiday/ whatever you like... and talk it through like adults. He may decide he doesn't want to go - but if you stop him going he will resent it I feel.

WineWineWine · 06/12/2014 22:29

There is no reason why you shouldn't be able to cope for a week on your own, but, he is a selfish wanker if he spends the entire holiday on budget on himself!

Icimoi · 06/12/2014 22:34

If he spent the family money on a holiday for himself last year, I'd say the answer has to be no. He can spend the money he would have spent going to New York on going on holiday this year with his wife and children.

As for the concept that he won't take time off work to help his wife, but will take time off to go away with his mates: on what planet can that conceivably be OK? Tell him to grow up.

Laquitar · 06/12/2014 22:36

2 very expensive holidays in a year? Only for himself? Fucking hell.

With that money you could

a) have a family holiday

b) you have a weekend away

c) buy a sofa bed for your living room so your mum can visit and help

d) pay hotel for your mum

e) pay for cleaner or mothers help to make your life easier

I can go on and think of 100s things to spend that money better than 'boys holidays' to las vegas and ny,

KatyS36 · 06/12/2014 22:39

Ok. I'm going to go against the grain here. The important thing is whether you feel you would cope. And you don't think you could (or it would be extremely difficult). So I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask him not to go.
I couldn't have coped in that situation as I had a horrific pregnancy and health issues. I think it's pretty unsympathetic of posters to go on about how they managed.
Katy

Laquitar · 06/12/2014 22:40

Cricket
OP's h doesnt go away to make money but to spend money.
Thats a big difference.

bigbluestars · 06/12/2014 22:41

OP- nope wouldn't be happening here. Your OH is being totally selfish. My OH could go the New York holiday in July but he would find the locks changed on his return and his clothes in the garden.

CatsClaus · 06/12/2014 22:42

nice little drip there....

ther's not reason for you not to cope on your own for a week, it might be good practise for when you kick his entitled arse out.

BackforGood · 06/12/2014 22:46

YANBU to point out a few things to him.
if he were working away, then I cant see why it would be unrealistic to expect you to look after your 2 dc, tbh. People do it all the time.
However what is unreasonable is that he spends all his holiday time off on private holidays just for him and not for his family.
What is also very unreasonable is that he is spending all your family money on his own holidays that don't include his family.

Soleurmange · 06/12/2014 23:03

I really dislike posters who feel it's ok to denigrate an op because she would prefer her oh didn't go away for extended boys holidays at times she is worried she will have no support and be vulnerable. No, your not being unreasonable op. The money issue intensifies that, but even without it, yanbu. Put your foot down.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 06/12/2014 23:06

Yeah, I'd help pack his bags...then change the locks. Tosser!

Sorry but the coping bit is a side issue - the issue here is him being selfish.

Funny how he magically can get time off work for his lads holiday but not to let you have a break - even if it was him taking a week off to be 'you' so that you could have lie-ins, go shopping, see a film, have a spa day, visit friends etc.

Sorry but it's yours/the family turn now and if he doesn't like it well that tells you a lot about how much how he views you.

QuinnTwinny · 06/12/2014 23:11

Initally I was going to say let him go, especially if it was a trip that would be a great experience. When I was a baby my dad was given the opportunity to go to NY with my uncles on Concorde, because their dad worked for BA and got an amazing deal. Even after my mum pushed him to go and said it would be a great experience, he refused because he didn't feel it would be fair leaving his family at home. Major regret of his now!

However, after hearing a family holiday was cancelled because your husband spent the money on flights to Vegas, I would suggest telling him to eff off! Bloody cheek!

thewavesofthesea · 06/12/2014 23:22

My DH would never ask to go away for a holiday for a week; he wouldn't want to!! He would miss us to much, and we have never stayed out for more than one night together because we don't want to leave our boys for longer than that. The fact he would WANT to go away for a week would piss me off.

However, my husband went away for two weeks for work when my youngest was 2 months and my oldest 2 and 7 months. We coped just fine!!

SeasonsEatings · 06/12/2014 23:23

I know someone who is on his second boys holiday of the year, married with two children. Just moved back to uk. About to receive divorce papers and is utterly clueless. Posting updates on FB.

Its not fair on you. He needs to grow up

Alligatorpie · 06/12/2014 23:39

Ask him to justify why he gets 2 holidays and you and the dcs get none?

I don't agree with telling adults what they can do, but he is being selfish. I would be very pissed off if he went.

bigbluestars · 07/12/2014 08:13

It's not a case of "letting him go"- he is a grown man and does not need permission. He does however have to bear the consequences of his actions, and be aware of the OP feelings.

If my OH were to attempt this course of action I would be having some serious discussions aout his comittment towards his family, aboout his prioritisation of time and money, and about the imapact of the deprivation of financial assets which means no cash for a family holiday.

Of course the Op would "cope" - but that is not the issue.

If my OH was aware of my feelings and had the impact of his actions pointed out and still chose to take these holidays then our relationship would be is serious trouble.

A man who blatantly disregards his own family for the sake of his own pleasure is not a nice person. I would be worried about his motivations in other areas too. If he can act so selfishly in this matter there would possibly be other areas that he is happy to disregard his wife and child.

Soryy but for me this would be a deal breaker. If he wants to act like a single guyy then I would be making it easier for him to be one altogether.

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 08:19

I must admit the 'dh would never ask to go' and 'I'd not let hims' on these threads do make me . Adult fathers don't really need to ask permission to holiday etc.

However a caring....selfless parent probably wouldn't want to go on a second shin dig with their mates....well not after blowing the family holiday budget on the first vacation. That's the selfish part.

bigbluestars · 07/12/2014 08:22

I would prefer to be on my own than with a man who thought this was reasonable behaviour.

bookbag40 · 07/12/2014 08:24

What happened to the idea of when you have a family you are responsible for them and want to spend time with them.

There is no way my DH would be swanning off spending family money on boys holidays and leaving me with the children. Quite frankly if he wanted to do that he should have remained single.
Coping with two very young children for a week is incredibly hard - I've done it through necessity and it certainly wouldn't be a choice.
He needs to grow up and man up. You and his children are his priority now. If he wants to go to NY and have an amazing experience it should be on a family holiday not with mates!

Nocturne123 · 07/12/2014 08:30

Completely agree with bookbag.

I have an 18month old and a 3 month old and it's hard work . Especially for a week by yourself . Yes of course you'd manage because you have to but that's not really the point .

I don't think it's fair for him to go really .

Jaffakake · 07/12/2014 08:58

I've changed my mind, if him doing what he wants is stopping you & the dcs from having holiday time together, that's poor form - he's a selfish oh & dad. You are a family now & need to decide these things together. It's one thing to feel left out by him having boys holidays but if it totally means you are actually left out al together that's not a good recipe for a happy life.

sooperdooper · 07/12/2014 09:06

He's selfish, he had a holiday on his own recently and you've had no break as a family, I wouldn't say 'you can't go' but I would point out how unfair that was, book myself a week away and leave him to sort the kids out for a week

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/12/2014 09:13

I genuinely wouldnt mind DH having holidays with his friends, we have a 3yo and a 6wo and whilst I would be daunted by him going away, I would be fine about it because I know he would do the same for me.

He went away for three weeks to NZ when DD had just turned one, to be best man for his best friend. I had three holidays (between 2 & 5 nights each) in the year after he returned.

Doesnt sound at all fair in your situation: you say he wont take the time off, yet he is prepared to take time off for his own holidays? He spent the family holiday money in vegas!? He is a fuckwit OP.

bigbluestars · 07/12/2014 09:24

sooper- not very fair on the kids though is it? A tit for tat may not be in the children's best interests. The OP has already indicated that there is no money for holidays after OH has blown the budget.

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