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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this holiday

93 replies

Discopanda · 06/12/2014 21:47

I'm pregnant with DD2 who is due in April and my OH announced today that his close friend is going to New York for a few weeks in July and has asked him to join him for a week. This would mean leaving me with a 3 year old and a 3 month old by myself, my mum lives a 2 hour train ride away and even if I asked her to come and stay to help me out I don't have the room.
Yes, New York would be amazing for him to visit, I'm slightly jealous as I'd like to go myself but earlier this year he went away for 10 days to Las Vegas with his friends leaving me home along with DD1. I really struggled as I don't drive and DD was incredibly clingy as she obvs thought daddy had just disappeared and wouldn't sleep in her room or play by herself for more than a few minutes at a time. There's absolutely no option of us going with him as it's a 'boys holiday' like Las Vegas. WIBU to put my foot down and tell him he's not going?

OP posts:
cricketpitch · 07/12/2014 09:30

You are right Laquitar - fair point. Also - bigbluestars puts it better than I did. Sorry OP - others have also said it's not about whether you can cope but about whether you should have to while he is on holiday.

I came across as being self-righteous - apologies - was feeling unwell and irritable yesterday. I do feel however very strongly about adults trying to control what others do - but as PP have said, you should be able to talk about this and if his trip will make you unhappy he should probably re-think.

Fabulous46 · 07/12/2014 09:34

I agree with others he's selfish, especially spending the family holiday budget on himself. I'd say he could go though, with a one way ticket out the door and unlimited baggage allowance to take his stuff with him!

bigbluestars · 07/12/2014 09:36

OK cricket pitch- I do agree with what you say- were are all free agents - and I don't think we have the right to "control" each other.
However our actions do have an impact on family resources and each other which we also have to consider.

MrsAmaretto · 07/12/2014 09:39

As someone's who's husband work on an oil rig & was left with a 3day old & 3yr old YANBU.

He can fuck off with the idea that he gets to go on holidays but his family doesn't.

You being left for a week is NOT the main problem, him prioritising his fun over family fun is.

BlinkAndMiss · 07/12/2014 09:43

So to start with it sounded like you were being a bit needy. But after reading your update 'D' H sounds like a selfish and entitled twat. This has nothing to do with whether you get to go away on your own or not, it's to do with him spending family money on selfish boys holidays.

I wouldn't be asking myself if I should make a fuss about him going, I'd be asking myself if I want to be with someone this selfish. What has he said about it?

anotherdayanothersquabble · 07/12/2014 09:49

I agree with the principle that we don't own each other and should not seek to control the actions of another adult but the adult left behind is being controlled through the other's thoughtlessness. The OP gets no choice in the matter and cannot choose to leave the chlldren that both parents decided to bring into the world.

lunar1 · 07/12/2014 10:42

Him going wouldn't bother me. Him spending the whole budget for holidays on himself one year and expecting to do the same again the next year would have me packing his bags.

You have to compromise in a family, where is his compromise?

Original poster
Discopanda · 07/12/2014 17:29

Thanks ladies. It's one of those situations where it's really hard to tell him he's being unfair without sounding like I'm being controlling.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 07/12/2014 17:38

He's being a complete selfish tosser. Is he a useless, selfish cockweasel in all aspects of family life and relationships, or just this one?

zeezeek · 07/12/2014 17:55

I was, like others, all ready to tell you that YABU - until I saw the post about you not getting a family holiday because he'd spent all his money on the Vegas trip.

Both DH and I have time away on our own and with friends, BUT, we have family holidays as well.

You don't need to spend lots to enjoy time with friends AND family - you just need some imagination.

Does he realise how you feel? Maybe he is an entitled tosser? Or maybe he's just under the impression that you are ok with it?

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2014 18:06

Boys holidays are back burner when you have a young family. I'm glad I never had to worry about them as I married a grown up.

What a selfish twat he is. Needs to grow up, too.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 07/12/2014 18:10

He gets to have not one but two holidays and you can't have a family holidays cos HIS holidays have used up all the cash?

Fucking hell!! Selfish or what. Can't believe he can't see that.

Mammanat222 · 07/12/2014 18:14

If it out of his own personal budget (once all bills and family luxuries are taken care of then) then I'd say fine.

It's not so he is taking the absolute piss.

My Ex went away for 2 weeks and thought that meant he didn't have to pay 2 weeks rent on our shared flat (as you can imagine he bloody well did pay his rent! and we didn't last all that much longer!!)

bigbluestars · 07/12/2014 18:22

" I'm glad I never had to worry about them as I married a grown up."

lego- me too!!

zipetwhippet · 07/12/2014 19:06

He sounds like my selfish, entitled ex, which is why he is my ex.
Luckily I found an actual Man to have DC with, who had been on dozens of mates holidays, as I had when we were young free and single.
If Dh wanted to go away now fine, but not at the expense of family holidays. He occasionally has to travel with work and hates being away from us, so unlikely.
Also we actually like each other enough to want to go away together - odd that.

veronaswalls · 07/12/2014 19:16

YABU - one week, and its new york man, you can't land that on him. Let him go.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 07/12/2014 20:22

You're right. It's New York and who wouldn't want a week there, I know would.

Perhaps the op would as well or maybe better still a family holiday.

Oh but wait she can't because her selfish oh has decided holidays with his mates are more of a priority.

ReputableBiscuit · 07/12/2014 20:39

Grown men who describe their self-indulgent jollies as 'boys' holidays' are practically announcing via public address system that they are preening menchildren. Selfish fucker.

As for posters saying he's a grown man (debatable - see above) so doesn't have to ask permission. Er, he's part of a family. He has parental responsibilities. Of course he has to negotiate and compromise and seek the acceptance of family members before buggering off. Otherwise how does it differ from just leaving? And men who just leave are liable to find the damn locks changed behind them.

YANBU at all.

CrispyFern · 07/12/2014 20:48

Your DH sounds like a selfish child.

veronaswalls · 07/12/2014 20:56

Mrsitsnowornotatall - okay the family holiday alternative would be better - and it may well be a case of having one's cake and eating it - i still think though one week is not a very long time

Op i think if you feel you would be stretched and not comfortable with the situation then YANBU - i have been in a situation before in a relationship though where i wanted to do something and my oh at the time 'put their foot down' and I remember how that made me feel hence my earlier comment.

slithytove · 07/12/2014 21:16

Just read op.

I would have said no to this while pregnant. But dd is now 3 months (DS is 20 months) and I'd be ok with it.

I'd consider it if I were you. By three months you should be into the swing of things with 2. Baby groups are my saviour.

slithytove · 07/12/2014 21:22

BUT him not doing the same for you is appalling. If he can take a week off work for his holidays he can do the same for yours. Even if your ten days are split up into 5 long weekends.

Appalling too that your family budget is taken up for his holidays, get him to pay for his own!

lunar1 · 07/12/2014 21:24

You don't need to say no or sound controlling. You just need to tell home to allocate time and money and get a family holiday booked before he uses up time/money on himself. And I don't mean you have a family holiday in Scarborough while he pisses off to America again. It should be something you really want to do.

bigbluestars · 08/12/2014 06:48

slithytove- you don't get it. Of course the OP would cope. "Baby groups are my saviour" jeeze.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 08/12/2014 07:57

She would cope because she'd have too but why should she just so he can bugger off on another holiday with his mates.

Verona - yes I agree. A week is not a long time but the op can't have that cos her oh won't take time off so she can take a break. That's unfair and very selfish of him.