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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my husband not to touch me when he's angry?

52 replies

Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:27

I'm not in an abusive relationship let me be clear/. But we do bicker a lot, and at the moment stress levels are high with me looking after 2 yo and 3 month old baby, no sleep for months, and I am on verge of mild PND.
Today we were out for the day and I was b/feeding. 2 yo had a tantrum which DH found it hard to deal with. Everyone was frustrated including me as I felt stuck and helpless to do anything as I was feeding. Eventually 2 yo bumped his head a bit, DH very frustrated so took a swipe at my shoulder at which point I completely lost it and stood up and screamed at him not to hit me. It didn't hurt a lot or leave a mark but I felt he hit me. He says he tapped me. 2 weeks ago in a similar situation he 'tapped' me on the leg with a big umbrella and a week before in an argument he grabbed my wrist even when I screamed at him to let go of me. I have raised this in discussion with him and he always says I drive him to it etc, but I say he has to have more self control, as to me it feels as if he's hit me even though it's a tap to him. I have told him if it happens repeatedly I will not put up with it. I know I am not easy to live with at the moment but still. we are a normal middle-class professional couple and we can both try harder, but to me this is a No-No. What do you think?

OP posts:
SassySugarCane · 06/12/2014 21:29

Yes you are in an abusive relationships Hmm

Sallystyle · 06/12/2014 21:31

Sorry, you are not being clear. You clearly are in an abusive relationship :(

sparklecrates · 06/12/2014 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 06/12/2014 21:32

Your toddler was tantrumming so he took a swipe at you? Sorry but WTF that sort of behaviour makes no sense. Oh and "you drive me to it" is fairly standard response from someone who IS abusive.

Vitalstatistix · 06/12/2014 21:34

he is hitting you.

calling it a tap is him minimising it.

he is hitting you.

I wouldn't advise waiting around until it starts to physically hurt.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/12/2014 21:34

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me. You don't need to sustain injuries to be abused. I can't understand why he needs to swipe at you at all.

Original poster
Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:35

No there was noone around at all, we were in a glass waiting room a long way from anyone. I am not attention seeking thank you very much sparklecrates. As I explained I am pretty at my wits end generally with teethging toddler and severral months of sleep deprivation. Any other positive suggestion apart from anger management? Do I persist in saying this is a No No. maybe I was wrong to post on here as I am bound to get strong opinions. I guess I just wanted to vent after a difficult day

OP posts:
Beangarda · 06/12/2014 21:36

Middle-class professionals are not immune to abusive relationships, and this dynamic is not remotely 'normal'. Am I reading the first part correctly, that your husband struck you while you were breastfeeding your three month old? And did so 'because' your toddler was tantrumming?

Sallystyle · 06/12/2014 21:36

Sparkles Hmm

I see one abusive person here, and it isn't the OP.

applemac · 06/12/2014 21:38

What he's doing is NOT acceptable.

radiobedhead · 06/12/2014 21:38

Taking a swipe at you? Hitting you? Or did he touch you on the shoulder? Or did he accidentally touch you?

Be clear.

Original poster
Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:38

Frustration is the only excuse Testing. He says he is tired and depressed too, but I havent got any spare emotional capacity at the moment for sympathy. He needs to talk to someone else imo

OP posts:
sparklecrates · 06/12/2014 21:38

That sounded harsh but needed to be blunt. Its not necessarily permanent but I suspect you are on here to 'fan flames' ie to get people on hear to agree with you to strengthen your justification and gather strength to continue and magnify a conflict.

You could both be very stressed and you say you both are. Deal with that somehow. have a break in turn with the other doing everything or something. Trying to force him into the 'you are abusive' box won't help you admit your stress and tiredness
Take some time out and then look at how you solve conflict between you and what winds you up to be this hair trigger

applemac · 06/12/2014 21:38

I agree U2

radiobedhead · 06/12/2014 21:39

And he tapped you with an umbrella? What does that mean? He hit you to hurt you?

VinoTime · 06/12/2014 21:40

And when he shoves you down the stairs, he'll tell you that you tripped and fell...

This needs addressed, OP. He is hitting you. He doesn't have to really physically hurt you for it to be abuse. He shouldn't be lashing out at you in any way.

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL about this?

Original poster
Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:41

No not a touch, ans not an accident, a frustrated gentle swipe and I did overreact. Beangarda Yes. He was restrainign him which was making the tantrum worse, so I was pleading with him to put toddler down. Which then toddler then went and bumped (not hard) his head on the metal seat. DH then doubly cross as he says that's what he was trying to avoid. toddler fine after a cuddle and I do recognise it's hrad at the moment as he's turned into a Mummy's boy. Just a phase but hard for DH, as is my nagging apparently

OP posts:
magoria · 06/12/2014 21:41

How did you drive him to lay his hand on you in any fashion while you were feeding and he was dealing with a tantruming 2 year old?

What bollocks. He was frustrated and decided to ease that by hitting you.

The line has been crossed. He has decided threes times now he has the right to physically assult you for some reason. And that it is 'your fault' meaning as far as he is concerned you deserved it.

How long until they get harder now he has decided he has this right?

He needs to know it stops now or your relationship is over.

Original poster
Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:45

I heard what you;re saying sparklecrates and I agree with some of it, as in I feel I am right in that this is a No No and I wanted to sound out people I dont know rather than friends that know us. I don't want to magnify the conflict - far from it - want to put a stop to this and I wanted some support (I won't quote MN)

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:46

I know I'm cross and fed up - I had planned a nice day out but a frozen shoulder from months of B/feeding at night and a teething toddler did not make me the nicest person to be round

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 06/12/2014 21:48

He "tapped" you while you were feeding?

There is something about that I find quite disturbing.

Oh, and it makes no difference if you are working class or the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge when it comes to how you treat your spouse.

EustaciaBenson · 06/12/2014 21:52

Please re read what you have been saying op, your nagging drives him to "tap" I.e. hit you. The problem is that he is refusing to accept responsibility for his behaviour. If he was frustrated and it really was just an anomaly because of that he would accept what he had done was wrong and be apologising etc, not downplaying it and blaming it in you. His frustration is not really an issue, hitting you is but blaming you is a big big issue.

Unless he is willing to admit this is his problem and he needs to sort it ie talking to someone etc then you need to consider leaving him, and I dont normally say that on mn. But abusive relationships can start this way with a "tap" because you are nagging too much etc. This is not acceptable behaviour

sparklecrates · 06/12/2014 21:53

It does sound like you are (both perhaps?) at the end of your tether and are finding it hard. You can totally be forgiven for acting like this. . and I would guess that your judgement is off and its hard to feel emotions other than anger right now and to look at your partner without love. I'm worried that this could become a habit of you don't realise how abnormal it is to be this exhausted. Have you got anyone you can lean on nearby to take the weight off and/or allow you to get some good deep sleep for a couple of nights in a row at least?

Original poster
Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:54

Thanks Eustacia that's a v good point. He always throws it back to me

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 06/12/2014 21:54

Ok, if you are both knackered can you get a break somehow?

You DH needs to learn how to deal with toddler tantrums (I'm sure someone can recommend a book!) and you need to have a break from your toddler other than the weekend when your DH is there.
You both need to look after yourselves. It sounds like you are both at the end of your tether.

If you don't make things easier for you, it will be the toddler he smacks next.

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