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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my husband not to touch me when he's angry?

52 replies

Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:27

I'm not in an abusive relationship let me be clear/. But we do bicker a lot, and at the moment stress levels are high with me looking after 2 yo and 3 month old baby, no sleep for months, and I am on verge of mild PND.
Today we were out for the day and I was b/feeding. 2 yo had a tantrum which DH found it hard to deal with. Everyone was frustrated including me as I felt stuck and helpless to do anything as I was feeding. Eventually 2 yo bumped his head a bit, DH very frustrated so took a swipe at my shoulder at which point I completely lost it and stood up and screamed at him not to hit me. It didn't hurt a lot or leave a mark but I felt he hit me. He says he tapped me. 2 weeks ago in a similar situation he 'tapped' me on the leg with a big umbrella and a week before in an argument he grabbed my wrist even when I screamed at him to let go of me. I have raised this in discussion with him and he always says I drive him to it etc, but I say he has to have more self control, as to me it feels as if he's hit me even though it's a tap to him. I have told him if it happens repeatedly I will not put up with it. I know I am not easy to live with at the moment but still. we are a normal middle-class professional couple and we can both try harder, but to me this is a No-No. What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatsnotmyfigure · 06/12/2014 21:55

Thanks Lynette we've had few tantrums up to now so I think you're right

OP posts:

EustaciaBenson · 06/12/2014 21:56

Also it doesnt matter how tired you are, how irritable, how much you may or may not have annoyed him you have not done anything that justifies him hitting you, lightly or otherwise, in a temper. This is not your fault, it is not acceptable and please dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Theoretician · 06/12/2014 21:56

He "tapped" you while you were feeding?

No, he did it without the quotes.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 06/12/2014 21:56

Listen to you. Was just a 'gentle swipe' and you 'overeacted'
Classic minimising and excusing his abusive behaviour.
Just whenever you are ready, doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but one day when you SEE for yourself what is happening womens aid and Stonham dependent on your area will be able to advise you what to do next.

Theoretician · 06/12/2014 21:57

Or maybe I should have read the OP more carefully, there are some quotes in there.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 06/12/2014 21:59

How come these men who hit people out of being nagged or annoyed manage not to strike their colleagues/employers when they get frustrated?

dottytablecloth · 06/12/2014 22:00

Why can't he deal with a tantrum from his own 2 year old? Did he expect you to do something? You were busy, feeding other dc.

He doesn't sound like much of a man or a father.

EustaciaBenson · 06/12/2014 22:02

The problen with him throwing it back at you is that it makes it an unsolvable problem. As long as its all your fault because of your behaviour he can justify hitting you for any old reason. As long as he convinces himself its not his fault nothing is going to change. Getting help being less tired etc may help in the short term but it doesn't change the fact that if it all gets too much for him again he may react by hitting you, or your children, because he cant see that its wrong. And the more he crosses that line the more chance it will snowball until he can justify hitting you because you spoke too loudly etc. It doesnt have to go that way, but it could.

rootypigsinblankets · 06/12/2014 22:04

Two things. 1. This is absolutely not ok. 2. you are both at your limits and not coping.

What do you need to come back from the brink, both of you? More sleep? help round the house?

Anger management therapy for him, I would say, is non negotiable. sharon makes an interesting point - ultimately he is hitting you because he feels he can justify and get away with it.

rootypigsinblankets · 06/12/2014 22:08

Agree with Lynette too. He needs help with his thinking about toddler tantrums. When sleep deprived and DD is losing it I can come close to losing it too, I know how awful it can be. But you have to remember, somehow, that toddlers simply do not have the capacity to manage their own emotions, and stop ascribing responsibility to them. Hard when they walk and talk, I know.

Talk to your DH about anger management and parenting classes. This doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but if he's not willing to tackle his behaviour, then it should be. (Your HV should be able to help on the parenting classes front.)

And no, neither one is a punishment or an embarrassment, but a responsible way of dealing with a situation that is becoming unmanageable.

RhiWrites · 06/12/2014 22:15

The red flag is him saying you 'drive him to it'. That's a terrible sign and a classic symptom of abuse.

How about some relationship counselling? Not Relate though because they won't take you as clients when there's been physical abuse.

zzzzz · 06/12/2014 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 06/12/2014 22:25

sparklecrates, how on earth is OP trying to force her husband into the "you are abusive" box? He is hitting her and saying it is her fault. He IS abusive, and only he is putting himself into that box.

iwanttogotothechaletschool · 06/12/2014 22:33

You say you "have told him if it happens repeatedly I will not put up with it" but it has happened three times already, is that not repeatedly? What is your limit for it happening too often, four times, five times, every day?

You are minimising it and he is justifying his behaviour and making it your fault. He may not be marking you or seriously hurting you at the moment but that doesn't mean it isn't abusive.

You also need to think about the fact that he is doing this in front of your children, do you really want them seeing this?

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2014 22:38

Is he giving you any help at night or in the evenings? Or is he leaving it all to you?

He is treating you very badly.

LisaMed · 06/12/2014 23:00

You are his punch bag. He isn't hitting his punchbag hard, but when he hits his punchbag he gets relief from stress.

I hope my point of view is helpful to sort out your feelings

hiddenhome · 06/12/2014 23:04

He's testing you to see how much you'll tolerate

One day it'll be a full blown punch then who knows what else.

Make sure this ends now.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2014 23:45

I have raised this in discussion with him and he always says I drive him to it etc, but I say he has to have more self control, as to me it feels as if he's hit me even though it's a tap to him.

He thinks he has a right to hit out at you when he is feeling angry. That's the main problem.

Why does he think he has a right to do this?

Even when you ask him not to, he tries to defend his 'right'.

Until he can understand that he is completely, utterly, 100% wrong here, he will keep doing it.

I have told him if it happens repeatedly I will not put up with it.

What will you do when it happens again?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/12/2014 23:56

"I have raised this in discussion with him and he always says I drive him to it etc,"
That's a very worrying statement. He is taking absolutely no responsibility for his own behaviour, but blaming you. Even if you were the most annoying bastard in the world, he would still have the option to walk away and calm down. Instead, he chooses to 'tap' you. Chooses.

puntasticusername · 06/12/2014 23:56

Sorry, but just to add to the chorus of "you actually ARE in an abusive relationship" in case it helps

DixieNormas · 07/12/2014 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2014 02:52

The difference between a physically abusive relationship and one that is not is not the intensity of the hit. It is either an angry physical action or not. He says he cannot stop himself hitting you. Listen to that.

Lovelydiscusfish · 07/12/2014 08:12

You poor thing. It is not normal to hit one's partner when frustrated, even lightly. It is abusive. And sparklecrates is wrong, in that you have every right to scream "Don't touch me!" when someone is hitting you.
Good luck OP!

mummytime · 07/12/2014 08:37

OP you are in an abussive relationship.

Sparklecrates from the first post has shown they have a very skewed set of values, there is a couple at their local pub, where the woman repeatedly shouts at the man "Don't touch me" and no one intervenes? What would it take for someone to intervene in abuse happening in front of them? A punch, blood? Or a full blown sexual assault? And Sparklecrates is blaming the victim.

If someone told me not to touch them, I would avoid physical contact - even if the first had been an accident or gentle. I don't hug my great niece as she doesn't like physical contact except from a very few people. That is because I respect boundaries.

Op you DH is not respecting your boundaries.

Inertia · 07/12/2014 08:41

You are in an abusive relationship.

My understanding (though I am certainly no expert and better qualified people are better placed to advise) is that social services and the police would take a very dim view of your husband hitting you while you were holding your baby.

I'm sorry. He is abusing you, and he is gradually escalating the violence.

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