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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel sorry for STBXH and refuse to get involved?

56 replies

ncforthisx · 06/12/2014 15:33

STBXH walked out on us (3DCs) and left us in a huge mess because of it. He thought that he could do better and "have a better life if I go back to Uganda". He wasn't a permanent resident of the UK.

He's realised now that he has made a huge mistake and is finding it hard to get back into the country. It's been a stressful 5 months for us with little contact from him up until now.

He wants me to help him return by using his right to family life here in the UK. I don't want to help him but I've had people in my ear telling me that it's not fair on the children if I refuse. I think its ridiculous as he wasn't thinking about the children when he decided to piss off! He also repeatedly told me "I'll suffer the consequences but I'm not staying" when I was begging him to stay, and I really begged.

Am I being unreasonable for telling him to piss off and that he shouldn't involve me?

OP posts:
Littleturkish · 06/12/2014 15:35

Definitely piss off. If he genuinely wanted to stay for the family life, that would be different. But he doesn't. By helping you'd be colluding in a lie.

CatsClaus · 06/12/2014 15:36

i'd see him in hell first.

i do like to bear a grudge though.

Groovee · 06/12/2014 15:38

I don't blame you. He left you in a mess but now wants to use you again. He may be the children's father but it doesn't mean you need to bow down to his command.

YvetteChauvire · 06/12/2014 15:38

YANBU

He made his bed... I would not get involved at all

greenfolder · 06/12/2014 15:39

yanbu- sounds like the right thing to do for you and the children. besides which, if he gets residency and can come and go as he pleases, whats to stop him sodding off with the children?

stand firm

MissMogwi · 06/12/2014 15:39

Nope I'd tell him to get lost (putting it lightly)

He can't use 'family life' to suit him as and when he pleases. Plus what if he comes back and pisses off again, your poor kids.

I say this as someone who was a single parent for a long time, I know it can be tough on your own - but he sounds like a waste of space.

Original poster
ncforthisx · 06/12/2014 15:39

Well, I assumed that family life would mean all of us in the same household which won't happen. He even told me that "I have to think about our marriage, I'm not sure if it's what I want, but I'll let you know" bastard. Which suggests that he's not interested in rekindling anything and quite frankly neither do I.

OP posts:
ArchangelGallic · 06/12/2014 15:40

I'd tell him to get stuffed. He needs you far more than you need him and what's to say he won't be equally unreliable in future.

Thanks to Skype and air travel, your children can have a relationship with their father if he chooses to facilitate that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 06/12/2014 15:42

Wanker, let him stew where he is.

sonjadog · 06/12/2014 15:42

Don't get involved. He will have to work this one out on his own.

Original poster
ncforthisx · 06/12/2014 15:43

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that he can go fish!

I'll stand my ground, he can't do anything from there anyway.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 06/12/2014 15:45

Nope. You begged him to stay, he left with little or no thought to how he'd be a part of family life.
He can sort the rest out on his own, if anyone else asks just say you told the authorities he has children here but that you were no longer a couple and you don't know what happens next.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/12/2014 15:46

His doing his problem YANBU

feelingunsupported · 06/12/2014 15:47

He doesn't have a 'family life' he just has children whom he chose to abandon. He can't pick and choose whether he has a family life!

WellnowImFucked · 06/12/2014 15:50

What family?

Oh the family he abandoned???

He can go fuck off.

Inselaffe · 06/12/2014 15:53

Agree. In fact if he has said any of this over recorded medium, e.g. texts and emails I would be tempted to save them and keep them (make sure the children don't find them in case they get upset) in case the immigration authorities ask you any questions. You can truthfully answer and point them in the direction of the evidence that he is using you and your children to get back into the UK.

KateMosley · 06/12/2014 16:00

He doesn't want a family life, he wants an easy ride. What a title waste of space.

MinceSpy · 06/12/2014 16:07

Do what you want and what is best for the DCs.

MaryWestmacott · 06/12/2014 16:07

He is asking you to lie, you know he doesn't want family life, he walked away from that without a second thought, and now he doesn't want to come back because he's realised he still loves you and misses the DCs like someone's ripped out his heart, but because it would be easier. If he could come back without your help, he'd not be even contemplating moving back in.

You can do better, your DCs deserve better than having just got used to Daddy being gone, him coming back, just long enough to get permission to stay and then going off again.

MrsKringle · 06/12/2014 16:08

YANBU. As a PP said, he needs you more than you need him. What's to stop him pissing off as soon as he's back here?

He's not interested in his family life, only himself.

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/12/2014 16:15

Op ide be more worried about him getting back in then Disappearing and not seeing the kids anyway.
In which case I think you would be kicking yourself.

Thanks For you

Tobyjugg · 06/12/2014 16:34

No way do you agree to this! He didn't want you when he had you and now wants to use you for his own advantage. If I were in your position, I'd crawl naked over burning coals before I'd agree to this.

RandomMess · 06/12/2014 16:37

If you say anything that isn't the truth you could be prosecuted so erm what can you say to support his cause? Nothing!

PurpleSwift · 06/12/2014 16:40

I would not get involved. Dick

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 06/12/2014 16:42

If he want to apply on those grounds let him. If immigration get in contact with you, then be scrupulously truthful.