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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel sorry for STBXH and refuse to get involved?

56 replies

ncforthisx · 06/12/2014 15:33

STBXH walked out on us (3DCs) and left us in a huge mess because of it. He thought that he could do better and "have a better life if I go back to Uganda". He wasn't a permanent resident of the UK.

He's realised now that he has made a huge mistake and is finding it hard to get back into the country. It's been a stressful 5 months for us with little contact from him up until now.

He wants me to help him return by using his right to family life here in the UK. I don't want to help him but I've had people in my ear telling me that it's not fair on the children if I refuse. I think its ridiculous as he wasn't thinking about the children when he decided to piss off! He also repeatedly told me "I'll suffer the consequences but I'm not staying" when I was begging him to stay, and I really begged.

Am I being unreasonable for telling him to piss off and that he shouldn't involve me?

OP posts:
Darquesse · 06/12/2014 16:52

I agree with the others but I appreciate in reality it must be hard for you. Stand you ground, your dong the right thing.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/12/2014 16:52

YANBU. That said, I really don't see a need for your involvement. His right to a family life doesn't necessarily mean he has to actually live with his kids.

Gawjushun · 06/12/2014 16:56

Don't lie for him. It could get you in serious trouble and who knows what custody issues it could cause down the line. I'd be very wary about sending DCs to stay with him in Uganda in future too.

TalkinPeace · 06/12/2014 16:57

Speaking as an atheist
as ye reap so shall ye sow

he's made his bed of nails he can lie in it

YANBU to look after yourself and your kids and let him sort his own life out

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 06/12/2014 17:04

YANBU Lying to the authorities could get you in trouble which won't be good for the kids. He's already proved he's not interested in a family life. If he got back in he'd only swan off somewhere and ignore the DC anyway so it's certainly not in their interests.

listed · 06/12/2014 17:06

Tell him to get fucked.

With a wanker of this magnitude, any help you give will just be thrown back in your face at a later date anyway.

Ha! Bet he feels quite the berk Smile

Bogeyface · 06/12/2014 17:11

He wants a family life with the kids he cheerfully abandoned without a seconds thought? Who is he trying to kid?!

If he was genuinely remorseful and missing the children etc then I would rethink but from what you have said he fucked off without a backwards glance and only mentions the kids when he can get something from them, ie permanent residence.

Tell him to get fucked.

Bogeyface · 06/12/2014 17:11

listed great minds think alike :o

LegoAdventCalendar · 06/12/2014 17:14

Tell him to fuck off.

Vitalstatistix · 06/12/2014 17:15

I would tell him to get stuffed.

He's shown he doesn't give a shit about the children. How dare he now try to use them because he's decided it suits him better to live in the UK.

He gave up any right to a family life with you when he walked away.

If he doesn't like it where he is now, that's his tough shit.

Only1scoop · 06/12/2014 17:16

I wouldn't even grace him with a response.

Hatespiders · 06/12/2014 17:27

I wonder if it would be worth spiking his guns OP? Could you inform UKBA or the Home Office about the situation and warn them that he's trying to get back to UK and obtain residency under false pretences? I'd worry that if he got back into the country he might try to exit with the children. UKBA would at least be able to advise you. Phoning them is awful, it rings and rings. But a letter would do the trick.

AuntieStella · 06/12/2014 17:32

Could you consider telling him that you will happily inform UKBA that he is the father of these children, that he left UK on (date) and since then has has (describe) amount of contact with them.

You would of course be happy to facilitate contact with his children so he can maintain a relationship with them if he returned to UK, but he is not returning to the family home.

grimbletart · 06/12/2014 17:37

Doesn't sound the sort of immigrant this country needs anyway (quite apart from being a pain in the butt to you), thinking he can waltz in, have a family, waltz off and then waltz back again.

waithorse · 06/12/2014 18:21

He's not bothered about having a family life, he's just using this as an excuse. Chances are he wouldn't see the dc even if he returned. Stay strong. Thanks

areyoubeingserviced · 06/12/2014 18:44

I would leave him to it.
It's not your business . He is a cheeky bastard.

anothernumberone · 06/12/2014 18:50

I couldn't agree more with all the he can go feck off posts but a teeny bit of me wonders how the kids will see him if he is that far away. Is there any remote possibility that he would make a continuous effort to see them with the 2 of you separated? He sounds like a shit though and you personally are well rid.

YellowTulips · 06/12/2014 18:56

What AuntyStella said...

Honesty is the best policy here

riverboat1 · 06/12/2014 18:56

I don't know. He is obviously incredibly selfish, but he is also the children's father and presumably they would stand a better chance of having a relationship with him if he was here rather than there.

You don't owe him anything, certainly, but maybe doing this would give you a completely clear consicence for the future, knowing that you can truthfully tell your children any lack of a relationship they have with their father is 100% not because of your own actions or decisions, only his.

Theoldhag · 06/12/2014 19:04

Smile sweetly and tell him karma is a bitch.

Stand firm op and all the best for your future Thanks

raltheraffe · 06/12/2014 19:05

I disagree.

If he comes back to the UK he can see more of his kids which is in their best interests (unless he is a safeguarding risk).

I would prioritise what is best for the children over you.

Purplepoodle · 06/12/2014 19:18

I'd start divorce proceedings too

muffinino82 · 06/12/2014 19:38

Why on Earth would anyone think that having contact with such an arsehole would be in the best interests of his children? He walked away from them without a second thought! I would try to inform the UKVI of this and be honest if they contact you. If you lie about what he did, you are in the wrong. In terms of the new immigration rules, contact with his kids doesn't guarantee a family life grant anyway...

MonstrousRatbag · 06/12/2014 19:43

Regardless of how you feel about the relationship or his relationship with the children, the only safe and responsible thing to do is to tell the immigration authorities the truth. No way should you risk any sanction for him. Even if the truth is just, 'Not sure if I want to reconcile', say that.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/12/2014 21:38

I'm still not sure I understand why he needs the OP to do anything? Having the human right to a family life surely doesn't mean OP needs to say he'll be living with them? You don't need to live with your children to have a family life and for this right to be upheld. If that were the case, exes would refuse to leave on the basis that they have a human right to a family life and it'd be illegal to imprison anybody. All OP's ex need to is provide names and addresses of his children.