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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get DS (15) to pay for his own dental treatment?

89 replies

InteriorsMum · 04/12/2014 14:08

DS has particularly bad teeth, overcrowding and overbite. We've just had our first appt at the Orthodontist who has gone through the treatment available on the NHS vs treatment available privately. On the way to the orthodontist DS said the worst case scenario for him would be if he had to have teeth removed.

The NHS treatment involves four tooth extractions and then braces to bring all back into line. This will result in a slight smaller jaw as everything will contract. The private treatment involves no extractions, just braces that widen his jaw to fit everything in. I favour the private treatment as will give him a wider smile and would provide the better outcome.

However, I don't have the 3.5k to pay for it. DS does though, he and his Sister lost their Dad about 5 years ago and as we were divorced they inherited everything. They don't know there is money coming to them as I didn't/don't want them growing up thinking they don't need to work for anything as they will get a nice wad of money when they hit 18. They do however know about a small pension fund which they have also inherited as it is payable to them shortly, they've never known the value of it but its not more than 6k each, they think this is all there is, I've always hinted it should be used to buy a car.

On the way home I told DS that I didn't have the money for the private treatment but if he had 3.5k would he choose to pay for it himself given the choice. He um'd and ah'd so I reminded him about his small pension fund and that it would be circa 6k, would he think of using this for the treatment? He said he would if he could still afford a car after paying for the dental treatment.

So I think he may well say yes I'll pay for it myself but I'm feeling incredibly guilty about making him pay for his own treatment. I do have a rainy day fund for seriously rainy days which I could break into but this isn't a rainy day scenario.

AIBU for making him pay for it?

OP posts:

JammyGeorge · 04/12/2014 16:58

Yanbu

I think it's a nice thing to think his dad is paying for his treatment, still helping even though he's not here anymore.

Surely this is what inheritance is all about, giving your kids financial security/options. It's your DS that wants the private treatment it's not like you are imposing it.

Ericaequites · 04/12/2014 17:23

With overcrowding and an overbite, much better results will occur if the 12 year molars or similar are removed. Half my generation(b.1970) of Old Yankees had this done. It's informally known as a Bistin correction for this reason. Look at Chelsea Clinton's mouth and smile if you want to see the results obtained when no teeth are pulled.

greenfolder · 05/12/2014 18:04

In your situation, i think that the money is there to be used for things exactly like this, assuming their grandmother agrees. If his dad has been alive, presumably he would have being paying you maintenance/ willing to pay his half of this treatment.

If you have managed to get to this point without extra support, well done you I say. I had a friend in not dis-similar circs. She would ask the executor for additional monies from the estate to pay for additional things like this.

rookiemater · 05/12/2014 18:43

YANBU.
It's so weird I'm on lots of other threads where the minute a DC turns 16 or has the capacity to earn their own money apparently all parental support should cease.

Yet here we have the situation where you don't have the funds to pay for what sounds like very necessary dentistry and your DS does through his inheritance and yet some folks think you should get into debt for it.

My view is that the party who has the money gets the say. Your DS has said he wants it so there we go and as you say there is additional funding that he doesn't know about.

Oh and I'm from the 70's and had teeth taken out so mine could space out correctly. Didn't work and my teeth are dreadful looking - I really wish more money had been spent on dentistry when I was young.

inlawsareasses · 05/12/2014 18:47

If his dad was here surely he would help with things like this?
I think it's totally reasonable to use some of the money to pay for the private treatment, maybe half?

LynetteScavo · 05/12/2014 18:53

YANBU

If I found out later there had been money available and it hadn't been used for the treatment I would be

Your DS is 15, and you need to make the decision for him. Of course he would probably say he would like a fast car more than straight teeth at this age, but you can see the bigger picture.

Oinkypig · 05/12/2014 19:10

Another dentist here, I have just had a quick look at the Damon system which seems to be the series of removable mouth guard type braces. I would be very sceptical that if he needed four extractions these would be suitable. The Damon type system are usually only indicated for small movements of teeth.

There is a bit of controversy in the dental world about the removable clear mouth guard type braces, they tend to tip teeth rather than move them which results in more relapse.

I would personally, if it was my child, stic to conventional braces with extractions.

At the very least I would definitely ask for a second opinion, at a different practice.

StripedOss · 05/12/2014 19:16

im 33, i had the 4 extractions and then braces to align what was left.. then it all went to pot when my wisdom teeth came in as the dentist miscalculated how much room they'd need!

i wouldnt put my child through jaw stretching though.. eek!

BMW6 · 05/12/2014 19:22

I think it would a good use of the money left to him by his Dad (the private treatment). I don't think it would be a "loan" to you at all - it is entirely for his benefit, and it is an extraordinary expense (as in, you are not using the money for food/clothing, which of course is a parental responsibility).

FWIW I've seen a v similar case on Judge Judy, and she said the same as above

Shadow1986 · 05/12/2014 19:23

Go for the nhs treatment as it's being offered? I had 4 teeth out for my braces and have (I've been told) a perfect smile. And I had to pay for that! I would have jumped at chance of nhs! Is it also because nhs won't stretch to white/clear braces?

Bulbasaur · 05/12/2014 19:27

Presumably DS's father left the money to take care of his children, I'd say a medical procedure that will benefit him in the long run is money well spent.

I will say though, having had my wisdom teeth all removed, it's not as terrible as it sounds. He'll likely be sedated and won't feel a thing. The healing process is pretty quick too, and he's young so it's unlikely there will be complications or slow healing.

Is there a reason he doesn't want an extraction? Maybe you could give him some time to research how teeth extraction isn't as horrific as it sounds and encourage him to do the NHS.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 05/12/2014 19:29

Most private dentists offer the option to pay in instalments over the course of the treatment. Personally that is the route I would go down (in fact I did for dds blocks and braces). Impo orthodontic work is a fairly normal thing with kids these days and is part of the parental remit.

I do have some sympathy with the argument that their df would most likely have been contributing though so perhaps paying half each would be reasonable?

TooMuchCantBreathe · 05/12/2014 19:30

Bulbasaur, it's highly unlikely he'd be sedated for a simple extraction. Local anesthetic yes but not sedation.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/12/2014 19:37

DD is half way through her extractions prior to NHS orthodontic treatment, I was not given any other option.

Maybe I looked too poor? must put my diamonds on before the next appointment!

She's had them extracted with nitrous oxide, we're going back next week.

chocomochi · 05/12/2014 19:43

Surprised the private option doesn't include extractions for overcrowding. Did you ask whether this will affect his teeth in the future? Teeth do move and sometimes "swing back" into place as you get older (I had four extractions about 20 years ago as I had severe overcrowding, underbite and night brace to pull my teeth back. When braces were removed, I had a permanent wire fitted to my top teeth to prevent them from moving).

Yes, it's his money, but £3.5k seems an awful lot of money if you're not getting the absolute right treatment (which there NHS provides for free).

Snatchoo · 05/12/2014 19:55

Having a nice smile is important, but honestly, how much more painful will this be for how much difference? I had four extractions and train tracks, my brother didn't - we still both have the small mouth we were born with.

£3.5k is a lot of money to pay for treatment that has been offered for free, extractions are really not that bad (and really, I think a bit of squeamishness around that is not a reason to opt for private treatment).

I wouldn't pay that sort of money for a perfect smile that was only slightly different to a free perfect smile. I think you need a fourth opinion (as two dentists have already posted theirs!)

Bulbasaur · 05/12/2014 19:57

Bulbasaur, it's highly unlikely he'd be sedated for a simple extraction. Local anesthetic yes but not sedation.

Yes, but he's getting four done. It's not just a one and done.

It seems like for four teeth they'd put you under.

MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 05/12/2014 20:26

Are you actually allowed to spend his inheritance without his knowledge?

Even if you are, I think you have to ask him.

My DCs had braces all without tooth extraction. They all have beautiful smiles - wider smiles suit some face shapes.

As lots of PP's have said I think you need to get another opinion

TimelyNameChangey · 05/12/2014 20:28

I see nothing wrong with it OP. It's fine.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 05/12/2014 20:29

My dc had 2 in one session then 2 in another session. No sedation. (Private and nhs) the orthodontists where I work never sedate, nor do max fax except in very extreme cases (1 in 100 ish)

Wishtoremainunknown · 05/12/2014 20:31

I think you can be sedated privately. I couldn't cope with extraction at all and th NHS refused to even consider it. Hence why I had private treatment yet as later which avoided extraction entirely.

But it was discussed that it could be done by it would be costly.

Wishtoremainunknown · 05/12/2014 20:32

I have to say if I ever need a tooth removed now I would still be looking into sedation, paying whatever the cost it if need be.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 05/12/2014 20:41

You can get sedation privately and on the nhs. Nhs waiting list for sedation where there isn't a "medical need" is 18 months where I live I think we were quoted circa £400 for private sedation - not including treatment. I remember it being a lot!

Fwiw I'm phobic of dentists (for my own treatment) I'd have to have sedation too. I have to take diazepam for a check up!

Anyway, off the point, sorry op.

NobodyLivesHere · 05/12/2014 20:51

I had 8 teeth removed in order to have my braces, my teeth and smile are probably my best feature. I think a second opinion is a good idea. But I dont think its unreasonable to use his inheritance to pay for his dental work.

Wishtoremainunknown · 05/12/2014 20:53

I was outright refused sedation on the NHS. After I had tried and failed to cope without it.

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