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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

UPDATE - on the boyfriend how won't pay for his dc

27 replies

Bunnystopper · 04/12/2014 11:12

So had the money convo this morning!!!

Didn't go well, said he will continue to buy milk/nappies etc when I ask him to and will bung a rennet on the gas!

Apparently he is not paying into my house and certainly not contributing towards my older dd living costs when her dad doesn't!

He totally disagrees that he has a easy life with no responsibility towards the baby at all as he has "his own bills to pay" not really sure what as he even puts his rent through the business as I IT cost! And has no elec/gas/tv/water etc to pay for!

Guessing my next move here will be a email saying we have no future at all, and that I suggest he looks at the CSA website to get a idea of what he should be contributing weekly to a child he doesn't live with

OP posts:
iggymama · 04/12/2014 11:15

CSA his cheapskate arse.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/12/2014 11:15

Yep he's a cocklodger.

Don't get an idea from the CSA website, go to the CSA and file a claim against him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/12/2014 11:16

And definitely stop him from having his contact time with his eldest at your house and your expense!

NewNamePlease · 04/12/2014 11:18

Well done on addressing this bunny.

Why does he think you should pay for his food/electric at your house? Hope you didn't get him the nice salmon.

formerbabe · 04/12/2014 11:18

Oh dear ....that's not good news op....sounds like you'd be better off without him and with a formal maintenance agreement.

TimelyNameChangey · 04/12/2014 11:20

Oh Bunny well done.....I know it must be very hurtful this....Flowers

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup · 04/12/2014 11:38

So sorry Flowers

BarbarianMum · 04/12/2014 11:46

Sorry, hoped he was unthinking rather than unreasonable.

Recommend you go straight to the CSA.

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/12/2014 11:49

So sorry Bunny, at least you now know where you stand if you e bought him anything for xmas take it back for a refund, spend it on you and the kids.

What a jerk ThanksBrew

Schoolaroundthecorner · 04/12/2014 11:50

Go formally through the CSA. It's got nothing to do with supporting your eldest (although the quality, or lack thereof, of the man shows through his use of that excuse). It's to do with taking responsibility for his own child and contributing as he should.

He's completely taking you and the child for granted and has no respect. Don't lower yourself to his level by negotiating with him or discussing it any further, go straight to making formal arrangements.

Lowlife

loveareadingthanks · 04/12/2014 11:52

Sorry about that Bunny, you must be feeling so disappointed with him. I saw your other thread but didn't comment as I'd only have been piling on with more of the same.

At least you know now that he isn't really committed to you and babe and doesn't see you as a family group (even if living apart, that can work although it's unusual).

Don't waste any more of your life on this jerk.

MagicMojito · 04/12/2014 11:56

I'm so sorry about the break up of your relationship, that must still hurt quite a bit for you. You are doing the right thing though. This man is no good for you and has so far not been a whole lot of good to your dd. He isn't worthy of being in a family unit. He's had at least two goes at it now and he's failed at both.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 04/12/2014 12:02

Thank you for all the support and this is for the best, at least now I can clearly see how he thinks and how I could never have a future with him if he thinks that way about my older dc along with his own child.

I did ask him if this meant he was stopping is money to his ex because she is remarried with more children that live in her house that are not his! And he told me not to be silly it's his responsibility to look after his child Hmm

OP posts:
CookieLady · 04/12/2014 12:08

Wtf?! He doesn't see the child he's fathered with you as his??!! Angry

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/12/2014 12:08

Well hes doing a pretty shit job of looking after one of his kids, CSA him and dont fall for any "We dont need the csa" bollocks either.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/12/2014 12:11

CSA all the way. I'd also get access to the baby sorted out legally too, that way there's no confusion and everyone knows what's expected. Therefore if he bales on the arrangements you can take it further. It does make access rigid but it also gives it a regularity which will be important as your baby grows up (coming from someone with divorced parents who split when I was 3yo).

Sorry things haven't worked out amicably with the financial arrangements though, that's a pain. However make sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to for your DCs benefit as well as yours.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/12/2014 12:12

Not read the other thread, so apologies if access is a dodgy subject. If it's not appropriate in the circumstances, get that sorted too if you haven't already.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 04/12/2014 12:48

Thank you for all the support and showing me that I'm not a money grabbing bitch by expecting that he contributes with money!

He is not on the birth cert (as he couldn't be bothered to come to the appointment and I have no desire to add him at all now so hoping this will make any access arrangements easier! At the moment I do not attend for him to have any un-supervised contact as another issue has been his drinking and I have not been able to leave babe with him since the birth as I can not actually trust him to stay sober and in control of the situation! And I don't think for one minute he would try to drag it through the courts, he doesn't care enough to pay the costs!

Little worried how me might be able to minipulate the CSA having his own business but that's just going to have to be a risk I take

OP posts:
guinnessgirl · 04/12/2014 13:02

wow. What a selfish fuck he has shown himself to be. Sorry that his true colours are less than you had hoped, OP - but bin him now and be glad you know what he's really like Sad

magoria · 04/12/2014 13:25

So sorry it has come to this.

You will be better off not using your savings to subsidise him for half a week.

Wait for him to get really nasty now he isn't getting his own way and deny DC is his etc.

magoria · 04/12/2014 13:26

Now we know where his money all goes if he can't stay sobor.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/12/2014 13:50

Even if he only paid you £100 a month that is still more then he is giving you now, and not to mention what he is costing you when he is 'living with you half the week'.

MillionToOneChances · 04/12/2014 13:53

I did ask him if this meant he was stopping is money to his ex because she is remarried with more children that live in her house that are not his! And he told me not to be silly it's his responsibility to look after his child

If he can't see how utterly illogical and unfair this is, the drink must be adding his brain. Not sure you'll get much money out of him, but you'll be better off as him being at yours and bringing his elder child there must cost more than his paltry contribution Sad

MillionToOneChances · 04/12/2014 13:54

addling Blush

Starlightbright1 · 05/12/2014 11:04

I have just read other thread..It is tough but you sound like you will be just fine.