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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DP for this?

131 replies

MinnieM1 · 04/12/2014 09:57

I've been seriously ill with flu recently and have been in bed for the last 2 days
Yesterday DC were in school all morning and my Mum had the afternoon off and took them to her house for me, I slept all day
DP is supposed to be home at 5:45, he said he had to work late yesterday he'd be home closer to 6:30 but my Mum had to bring DC home for 6 so I dragged my sorry arse out of bed and relocated to the couch, kept telling myself it was only half an hour
DP rocks up at 7pm! I was already annoyed, poor kids had been pretty much ignored for an hour and he swans in with...a bar of chocolate and a bottle of radox Hmm I've got flu I'm not on my fucking period! I don't want this shit I just want to sleep!!
AIBU to be thoroughly fucked off that I was dying on the couch with no-one to watch DC and he was swanning round Tesco buying me stuff I didn't want?! He thinks I'm 'ungrateful' Hmm

OP posts:
EilisCitron · 04/12/2014 14:51

There is a lot of anger on this thread, as I said before, but some people really don't know where it belongs. Why on earth should you be angry with a woman who is lucky enough to have some practical support? How does that make it logical to shout at her? Please think, people!

Aherdofmims · 04/12/2014 14:52

I'm not sure. I had proper flu and could not move for stabbing stomach pains. Not even to move a package off the bed. Could not have slept all day either though for pain.

So if actual proper flu yanbu for feeling incapable of childcare but yabu to be angry as dh clearly meant well.

Aherdofmims · 04/12/2014 14:54

Also you can get depression with proper flu so that might affect your mood/ reactions to others.

EilisCitron · 04/12/2014 15:02

"meant well"
"no malice in it"

the road to hell is paved with good intentions

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 04/12/2014 15:03

I genuinely don't think there was any malice in this mans behaviour at all. He made the big mistake of getting his wife something to cheer her up
when she didn't want it. This isn't the action of an un caring person.

It was THIRTY mins. She had had support through out the Day, all she had to do was lie on the couch. I think other posters are getting carried away with demonising a dh for bringing his wife some chocolates when she told him she was ill.

There are bigger things in life to froth at.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 04/12/2014 15:07

Cailindana - "Yes I am angry Nomorepepper, I'm angry that women are encouraging other women to accept low-level shitty behaviour from men. It's that constant encouragement not to "make a fuss" and to constantly to view men's time, choices and work as more important than everything else, even when their partner is very ill, that leads women to devalue their own feelings and slowly get pulled into abusive relationships. I'm not saying the OP is in an abusive relationship, I'm saying that this idea that women should soldier on while men fanny about buying chocolate when that's the last thing that's needed is really pernicious. It seems like a small thing but it's part of a much much larger problem."

Hear hear!

I'm stunned at some of the 'sisterly' responses the OP has had on this thread. Someone telling the OP to "Man up" wouldn't have looked out of place.

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 15:08

Like I previously said - he was 30 mins late in Tesco buying you Radox and chocs, not shagging another woman.

Perhaps he didn't think you had flu (lets face it, he would have more of an insight that what you have told us) and thought chocs and a Radox would help your bad cold?

Perhaps you do have flu? I don't know, assuming this would have been going on for a week or more if it were indeed flu.

Even so, this is getting boring now!

cailindana · 04/12/2014 15:16

No one's forcing you to read the thread number3 Confused

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 15:24

Apart from the fact it keeps appearing that the top of my 'I'm on' thread.

Even the OP got fed up with you lot waffling on and pissed off ages ago.

SaucyJack · 04/12/2014 15:24

Agreed Cailin.

"DP, I'm really ill today. Please come home as soon as you finish work because I'm struggling to look after the children."

It's not complicated is it? How bloody useless are some people's DPs that they couldn't even be relied upon to do that.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 04/12/2014 15:29

It was THIRTY minuets get a grip.

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 15:29

But he did?

He was half an hour late. No need to kill him.

My OH would have stayed at home and looked after me if I had flu because he is very considerate like that.

Geez, it's like the poor guy committed a crime or something.

Yes, she didn't need to be grateful for something she didn't ask for but no need to rip his head of either.

Just forget it! No one fucking died!

EilisCitron · 04/12/2014 15:31

SaucyJack - the problem is man-listening

Here is what the OP said, juxtaposed with the interior monologue that prevented him actually hearing it

"DP, I'm really ill today."

She's struggling a little with a minor touch of something, that is nothing much, but women are lightweights, bless them, and a bit moody.

"Please come home as soon as you finish work"

Ah, she probably wants me to go for a little stroll to get her something nice to cheer her up. She said "as soon as you finish" but I am a man, so I know she would prefer chocolate really, because men always know best. And women love chocolate.

"because I'm struggling to look after the children."

Also, it is, let's face it, it's more my real job to bring Things! to the Cave! than actually stay in the cave and look after actual children. She probably isn't struggling at all, because it comes naturally to them. I would struggle though, because it's hard when I try to do it, because I'm a man. Much better for me to hunt and slay some chocolate and radox and prove myself that way, than do what she actually asked me to. And as I know best, she will actually prefer it! And then I get to stay the good guy too. Only a bitch would fail to recognise my great good intentions. Which are the main thing. What I feel, and mean, and think. Yes, those are all the important things in this situation. Off I go to get chocolate, hurray!

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 15:40

EilisCitron

What an absolute load of shit.

Not sure what your partner is like, but my OH would get me something trying to make me feel better because he LOVES me, not because of some crap alpha male idea.

No one has actually yet established that OP infact did have flu.
For all you know OP could be the sort of person who drama queens it up every five minutes.

(Not accusing you of anything OP for the record, just playing Devil's advocate)

Infact the 30 mins may have only been because he was late back from work, it happens, there may have been traffic / train delays etc.

Are you actually really honestly saying that if his train broke down and he came home empty handed it would have been ok?

The result would have been the same - OP has 30 mins on the couch more than she wanted.

Get the fuck over it please. It's 30 minutes.

We've spent longer debating this than what the actual real time of the issue was.

Infact, I bet OP is off having make-up sex with her DH right now.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 04/12/2014 15:43

I think posters are actually showing their true agenda here.

I don't think there is any such thing as 'man listening'.

He thought she would be cheered up by some chocolates as she was I'll. He was wrong .

It was thirty minutes no one died.

EilisCitron · 04/12/2014 15:51

Number3
"No one has actually yet established that OP infact did have flu."

erm except that she said so? Do you need to send someone round there to take swabs and check?

What a nasty little post!

The silliest part of it (silly that is, as opposed to nasty and vicious, like the aggressive swearing, the suspicion etc) is that you are somehow making out that your precious time is being wasted on here.

Please, let us detain you no longer. It is magnificently kind of you to have graciously entertained us with your wit, your charm, your magnanimity, in short, your exquisite web-presence: i have no desire to put you to any further trouble. Somehow, without the shining light of your verbal dexterity in my life, I will continue somehow in this drab existence, without the occasional uplifting and mellifluous exhortation to "get the fuck over it" which I accept I can no longer expect from you.

I really do stand by, very firmly by, my earlier post about misplaced anger. Something is really winding a lot of people up here.

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 15:58

She 'said' she had flu - doesn't mean she did.

I would imagine hubby would be better placed to make that judgement seeing as he lives with her?

Wasn't an accusation, just a point, but clearly from your response you are in fact the one with anger issues.

And as for the swearing? We are all adults, I am sure you have heard naughty swear words before Grin

I'm pretty sure reading back that you have issues with your OH.

Hence the reason you have invented 'man listening'

Not everyone is like your OH.

Some guys actually have good intentions at heart.

My time is precious, but you are SO entertaining!

cailindana · 04/12/2014 16:01

So you don't believe that the OP was ill, even though she said she was, but you do believe the OP may be a drama queen, even though there's no evidence of that?

The facts are: she asked her DP to come home early, he didn't come home early, instead he fucked off to Tesco to buy chocolate. Ok, not a crime, but clearly not very considerate. Instead of apologising for being a bit thoughtless, he told the OP she was "ungrateful." So, overall, he was shit.

If the train had broken down or there was traffic he wouldn't have been able to do anything about that and being upset out it would have been pointless. He chose to go to Tesco, thus totally disregarding what the OP had asked for. Again, essentially a bit thoughtless but not the crime of century. In the case where you've been a bit silly you apologise. Far from apologising the DP got cross and stroppy, ie he was a shithead about it.

Expecting basic courtesy from a partner such as expecting them home when they say they'll be home because you're ill and need help is not too much to ask.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 04/12/2014 16:01

ellis I think your posts are nasty to men in general. Your making sweeping judgements about 'useless' DPs and 'men' listening.

He brought her a gift to try and cheep her up and apparently he is 'useless' Hmm

A mother and baby have been found dead today and your frothing over a dh turning up 30 mins late with a box of chocs for his sick wife.

I think people need to get some perspective

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 16:04

cailindana be careful using that 'F' word, you may be accused of being 'angry'!

cailindana · 04/12/2014 16:06

Nomore, I'm not sure how it's relevant that that poor woman died. You're participating in this thread as much as we are. If you think it's not relevant because other things are happening in the world, then get lost.

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 16:09

then get lost Shock

cailindana · 04/12/2014 16:11

Sorry that should say fuck off. My apologies.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 04/12/2014 16:11

no.3 - you can't argue with stupid. Leave them too it.

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 16:12

Sorry that should say fuck off. My apologies.

I'm crying with laughter here!