To ask: is this fair?

[LynnieLurker]

Hi there,

Looking to canvas some opinions really. I'll be as brief as poss!

One child, shared custody.

Christmas 2008 - 11:
Both exdp and I travelled to home town up North (250 miles away) and split time there with family there. We travelled separately.

Christmas 2012: I didn't travel home, DD had 1 week up North and one week down here with me. Her Dad drove 60 miles to a big city that I took the train to (so 1 hour driving v 4 hours on the train) in order to swap.

Christmas 2013: We all travelled to home town and split time there.

Christmas 2014: I am not travelling home again this year. I move house on the 22nd December and need to be here to organise the packing up of the old house, cleaning etc as we are ending a tenancy on a rental property and have to be out by the 2nd.

I have suggested that for the swap that we do the same as 2012. Exdp says that it is unfair and that I should go all the way to my home town to pick her up.

Is it really daft of me to think that he could at least meet me half way this time? Have I just got the blinkers on? He has the attitude that as I am the one breaking with our tradition I should be the one to do the travelling to pick her up. He can't understand why I am not visiting my family (er I'm moving and there are other reasons, we're just not close like that) and is trying to convince me that I should go as usual. It's just not possible.

Thoughts?

I would offer an alternate suggestion, dc stays with you the first week and he sorts out collecting her the 2nd week

I had this moved to AIBU in the hope of getting a bit more traffic.
dons hard hat
I promise to admit if I'm wrong and offer to go all the way to said home town to collect dd if you all tell me so! :)

Where does he live? How often does he see her? It sounds like you've been doing the lions share of travelling for years. Can he come collect dd from you? I wouldn't be doing the 2012 plan again. Although if it's more comfortable for dd to spend 4 hours on the train and 1 hr driving then maybe it's not the nightmare it sounds.

We both moved from our home town to the city we now live in the south. We live 10 minutes away so normal swaps are just a quick walk down the road.

So the only issue is how we swap when he's in our home town and I'm in the town in which we now live albeit in different houses!

TBH DD won't mind the train so much. Just that he is suggesting that I should go all the way to our home town (so 6 hours each way on the train at the costs of £200 quidish) rather than him driving one hour to a big city (leave me with 4 hours each way and a train fair of about £125).

how old is dd and could she get the train by herself?

How old is your DC? Could they do the train journey alone?
I do think your exP could be more accommodating, but I don't see you how can force him to be, unfair as it may seem.

She's 8. If it was a direct train I would consider it but the 4 hour journey is 2 changes, the 6 hour journey is 3.

I feel you are right Millament, it's just one of those things. He's just so unpredictable. Can never tell when he will be reasonable or not. I thought this was a clear - it would be fair to meet half way (ish) thing. Alas not from his pov!

If he is the one taking her 250 miles away from where you both live why on earth should you be the one to have to travel all that way to pick her up??

He is being ridiculous imo. Great that that's worked out for you both before but hardly some legally binding precedent!

If your normal swaps are where you live, and there's not usually any travelling involved, then if he wants to take her for a trip away over Christmas, surely he should do the travelling both ways. How does he justify asking you to do all the travelling for the hand over, when it's him that's going away?!

If he wont compromise then surely its him who misses out and you just keep dd? Although I wouldn't trust him to go first incase he suddenly 'can't' meet you and you have to go the whole way after all.

As he is removing your DD from his normal residence over the festive season, it would be his responsibility to bring her back surely?

Just because he goes to visit parents each year shouldn't oblige you to do the same?

I think he's BU.

It's fair to suggest meeting you half way or if he wants u to travel he pays half the train costs (is there an intercity u could get - ncl to London can be done in 3.5 hours) or perhaps flying as dd could go unaccompanied if old enough ex puts her on one end and u get her the other.

Desperately seeking . . . he will take our daughter to visit my family when he is there. We are all on good terms (luckily). My family potentially would drive her to meet me in the city but they are unlikely to be off work and both work weekends. There's a chance it could work though if shift patterns etc allow so I will enquire!

Thank you for your responses. They do help massively!

Oops just read update - she's old enough to fly unaccompanied minor. Might be prefect solution.

If she lives with you, and her dad is taking her away to visit his family, then it's down to him to bring her back. He's just got lucky before that you happened to be travelling to the same place as him, at the same time.

Thanks Purple. We are 2 hours from London this end and 90 minutes from Newcastle the other. It's always a pa-lava going anywhere by train. :(